(Closed) Need to vent (warning: long!!)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Unfortunately, that is just how the Destination Wedding cookie crumbles. We’re having one and many people that are very important to us just simply aren’t coming. Some we know could afford to. Some we know can’t. But that was what we signed up for when we planned a Destination Wedding and so we’re not upset about it. When you’re doing a Destination Wedding you’d better be prepared to essentially elope and whoever happens to come along is a bonus.It’s unrealistic to expect more than that.

I don’t think it’s fair to ever expect people to attend a Destination Wedding. Who cares if they got Lasik or choose to go shopping or on cruises with their money? As you said in your last paragraph, you have the right to choose what you spend your hard-earned money on, and so do they. You don’t have a right to their vacation time or savings. In my mind, no one ever has to justify not attending a Destination Wedding.

And your aunts also don’t have an obligation to attend your shower. If they’re working, they’re working and that should be the end of it. Just as you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your schoolwork for the shower, they shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice their work for it. If they offer to book the day off, great. If not, let it go.

You should take a step back from wedding planning, come back and re-read this post in a week. You sound stressed, but what you’re complaining about is unreasonable (with the exception of your bridesmaids not communicating with you, they need to quit that).

Post # 5
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

See I would still call that them not having the money. They had probably already budgeted for their surgeries, cruises and shopping habits, so whatever money in their budget they had allocated to those things is therefore unavailable. So when they say they don’t have the money to attend your wedding, they’re right. They don’t have the money because they chose to spend it on or had allocated it to other things.

Post # 6
Member
397 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I agree with AdriannaJean on a lot of things. Sure it sucks that people aren’t choosing to make your wedding a priority, but that’s what happens with a Destination Wedding (or in my case, an international wedding). I went through a lot of the same frustration you’re in right now. I asked 5 girls to be bridesmaids, only one can do it because she’s here in New Zealand with me. I want my family to come, but only my parents are doing so. None of my brothers or sisters are going to be here for my wedding. Nor are my grandparents. Sure it sucks that I know my siblings could afford to come but have chosen to do other things instead, but that’s part of the deal when you choose to get married away from home. Hopefully you are able to get past these feelings (I did eventually) and focus on getting married to your Fiance. That’s really the best part of it all.

Also, I would stop talking to that cousin who is whinging about everything. Tell her to stuff a sock in it. But I have very little tolerance for a pain in the ass.:)

Post # 9
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Don’t expect people to plan their vacations around your wedding – just because you want to get married there doesn’t mean they want to spend their time and money going on a vacation you picked.

Post # 10
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

AdriannaJean is right, thats what happens when you have destination weddings. Your coming across as very bitter that people are spending money on other things when it could be spent towards your nuptials. If people want to spend their money on a cruise they can spend their money on a cruise. If they are blaming lack of funds as the reason they can’t come they probably don’t want to be rude and say “Sorry I don’t want to spend that much on you” which to be honest is perfectly ok if you aren’t close family. Destination weddings are expensive, its not just the cost of getting there and accomodation its time off work that they may be saving for something else et. If its Aunts your not close to, I’d move on. If it was your parents then thats more something to get upset over.

Get rid of the bridesmaid complaining about everything, or have a really frank discussion about how its bringing you down! My Maid/Matron of Honor did the same thing and I thought oh it’ll be ok on the day… Nope! It was SO much worse

Post # 11
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Futur3MrsK:  Ugh, I know where you are coming from.  Other people’s finances will drive you crazy if you let them!  For example, my Brother-In-Law and his fiancee are constantly complaining about not having enough money to come home for the holidays, and then I see their almost-constant facebook updates about buying new skis, weekend trips away, etc.  It makes my blood boil, so I totally understand your frustration!  Unfortunately, at the end, of the day, there’s nothing that you can do about it.  Just be the bigger person and let it go, because people are not likely to change their (bad) habits just because you’ve pointed them out.  It’s hard to hold your tongue, and I definitely sympathize, but just be glad for those people who HAVE made room in the budget to be there for you on your big day!

Post # 12
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@oneofthesethings:  +1

You’re basically asking them to go on a holiday where YOU want to go, to attend YOUR function. It’s prefectly reasonable for them to say no.

Post # 14
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@Futur3MrsK:  “ work hard and I’ll spend my money on what I want. The dress is coming out of my hard-earned money anyway, so why does it matter to her?”

I agree with you 100% on that statement.  I do question why you think it’s fine for you to spend your money how you like without judgment, yet spend the previous 5 paragraphs lambasting others for doing exactly what you are.

I know it’s your wedding, and it’s important to you, but you have to appreciate it will never be as important to other people.  

They could just as easily say “If she wanted us there, she would have planned something local. Clearly we aren’t important to her”.

I make my own money, and I work hard for it, and that is why I take the vacations I want, when I want, to where I want.  I would have loved to have a small Destination Wedding, but our priority was to be able to celebrate with as many friends and family as possible. Obviously, that wasn’t the top priority for you (and that is completely fine!), but you can’t be upset when other people behave the same way–putting their priorities first.


Post # 15
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Saying its a money thing isn’t the same thing as saying he or she is broke–if your family was made up of gazillionares I’m sure they’d go. But they don’t have unlimited funds and shopping, cruises, and other things are taking priority over putting those funds towards your wedding. That is completely reasonable and totally their choice. That is the folly of destination weddings. I think everyone should get the wedding they want, but the flip side of that is that the bride and groom have to understand that not everyone is going to want to use their limited money and vacation time attending. 

Post # 16
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Futur3MrsK:  Don’t worry! So long as you and your Fiance are there, you’re going to have a wonderful day. The beauty of a Destination Wedding is that it is really focused on just the two of you, which I personally think is the most important part of a wedding.  

PPs have made excellent points but I didn’t want you to go away feeling attacked. It sounds like you didn’t understand what you were getting into with a Destination Wedding. Would you be happier with a wedding with all the important people in your life in attendance? If so, perhaps you may wish to reconsider a local celebration?

In my mind a Destination Wedding wedding is like eloping, and any guests who attend are just a bonus if you want them there. I wanted to elope and thus absolutely loved my intimate destination wedding. But plenty of brides do NOT want to elope, and that is perfectly valid. Which type of bride are you?

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