(Closed) Need unbiased perspective: long-term friendships and their demise

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would be the bigger person (compared to that tiny voice in your head that says stay home) and go. If the conversations get too uncomfortable or you see them trying to reconcile you two and that isn’t what you want, you do have the choice to walk away. I do find it kind of annoying that Friend B invited you both to the same get-together knowing that you guys aren’t on good terms. I think she would understand if you didn’t come, but I wouldn’t give Friend A the satisfaction of noticing you didn’t show.

Post # 5
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would go And just expect and be prepared for some awkwardness. In all fairness I think she just had the same reaction you did (sure I’ll come but it may be weird). Because you pretty much had the same convo with friend B before the evite went out. You never know it could be fun. If not I still say go try to make it work (the dinner not necessarily the friendship) if it gets to weird, politely bail out. 

Post # 6
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I really, really don’t understand the point of the break-up if you have close mutual friends and still get together annually.  Seems like unnecessary drama, especially if you’re both fine attending gatherings together like you say you are.  Wouldn’t it have been easier to just let the friendship fade into the background in between events?

I guess that’s neither here nor there now.  I would just go, enjoy your friends, and if it’s uncomfortable you can plan to do something with B and C on your own next time.  If you cancel at the last minute, I think you’re just upping the drama quotient.

Post # 7
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I had a friend A who was part of a friend group A, B, C, and me and A, D, E and me. 

I was friends with A, B, and C all throughout out childhood and high school. 

A and I went to the same college and became roommates and became friends with D and E. 

A and I both changed a lot.  Towards the end of our junior year, I felt very taken advantage of and after several attempts to fix the friendship, I decided enough was enough and it was time to move on.  I broke off the friendship, trying to sever ties as cleanly as possible.

However, we were in two close friend groups together.

I made the decision that, while I enjoyed their company and valued their friendship in high school, B, C and I had all grown too far apart.  I started to ease up on spending time with them, saying that I just wasn’t comfortable being around A.  That turned into a giant fight where they showed up, uninvited, to a party I was hosting, made a huge scene, and had to be forcefully removed. 

Did I see that coming?  Gosh no!  Neither one of them were very confrontational and I was shocked to see them have a meltdown like that.  I regret what happened and I often wonder how they are doing (since none of us are on talking terms).

Meanwhile, I really valued how my friendship had grown with D and E.  I made the effort to spend time with them even when A was around.  I maintained contact and kept thing civil, even when A didn’t. 

After about a year of A refusing to be civil towards me, D and E made the decision to sever ties with her.  D and E are now in my wedding.

 

So the moral of this long story: go to the party.  People behave over-the-top if they feel slighted.   In order to maintain relationships, you have to avoid drama, avoid negativity (don’t say anything about A), and just be present so they remember you are a good person.  Anything you do that had something to do with A can be misconstrued, so be present for it, and be the bigger person.

Post # 10
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@oracle:  Similar things happened to me with the mutual friends we kept.  I held my tongue and would say I was uncomfortable around A, but I never got into the why and never tried to change their minds about her.

They stayed close to her for about a year and then decided that they couldn’t take her negativity.  I was very relieved that they came to the same conclusion about her that I did without any influence on my part. 

Good luck and I’m sorry you are going through this!

Post # 11
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

Go to the party.

If you want to see B and C, as well as be the mature adult in the situation (and not give A the satisfaction of you missing an annual tradition) go enjoy yourself and remember while it means spending a day with someone you dislike, it also means spending the day with two people you love.

Post # 13
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

@oracle: “I guess I was figuring the annual tradition would die.”

If none of the other girls suggest breaking the tradition, I wouldn’t be the one to do so. All that would do is give A an excuse to make you the bad person in the situation.

Good luck! I’m sure you’ll have a great time regardless of A’s presence.

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