- 6 years ago
I’ve been lurking on these boards for a few months, mostly the “waiting” board, but haven’t posted until now. I’ve been having some problems in my relationship with my boyfriend lately and think this is a good place to get good unbiased advice from lots of other women who value the same things like marriage etc…. so here goes
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, I am 22 and he is 26. I moved in with him when we were together for about 10 months, just recently. I was never a fan of the idea of living together before marriage, but decided to go for it because when I brought up my concerns, he told me that he wanted the same things as me… that living together is something he wanted to lead to marriage. I brought up a timeline, and he agreed that we would not live together for more than 2 years without taking the next step. I thought this was a very reasonable timeline because by the time we live together 2 years, we will be together for almost 3. So I moved in…. and things were good. However about a month after I moved in, he started acting a little weird/distant/almost depressed. I knew something was up… he didn’t text me as much throughout the day, wasn’t very “touchy”, snapped at little things, stopped having sex for about a week… when that happened, I asked him what was up. He said he was in a “funk” and din’t know why. I asked him if it was me and he said he didn’t know but would think about it. A couple days later he told me he knew what it was- it was indeed me and it was because we had been bickering too much. This took me for a bit of a shock because I really hadn’t realized we bickered at all. I felt like he was pulling that excuse out of nowhere. He couldn’t even give me an example of what we bicker about. I asked him if he wanted to break up because it seemed he was looking for an excuse. He said no. We agreed to work on the bickering even though I didn’t know what exactly I should be working on not bickering about…
A few days later, since I was feeling confused and anxious about his feelings, I decided to bring up what we talked about before I moved in. I asked if he still felt the same way about us living together leading to marriage, etc. He told me that he wasn’t sure anymore. He said that he loved me but for some reason didn’t see me the same way as before. He said that before he saw me as his future wife, and now he didn’t know. I asked him what that meant, if he wanted to break up… He said maybe we should, because I deserve someone who will see me in that way. I did something that may have been stupid then…. I told him that I didn’t want to break up and wanted to work on the issues that made him feel that way. It took him like 15 minutes of thinking about it and then he agreed that yes we should try to work on it. So when I asked him what all needs to be worked on, he just thew out every little thing at me. They were all small issues, definitely not things that should ever make you question if you want a future with a person you care about. They included things like me putting heavy things in the trashcan instead of putting them in the big trashcan outside, me having bad posture which signals low confidence, me taking too long to get ready in the mornings when I drive him to work (even though I drive him to work when he could just take the bus because he has no car. I don’t have work/class until evenings so I could sleep in but choose to get up at 6:30 am to drive him!), me not initiating sex and always waiting for him to initiate, bickering with him about buying healthier options when we are in the grocery store together, nagging him about what he can do like when I told him it was bad for him to get caffeine pills, etc…. just little stuff like that. Anyway we decided to work on it, and have been for about a month now. We have a good relationship I think…. we don’t fight, we do things together….throughout this month though, I’ve asked him how it’s going. He said he loves how things are going and they are much better. I asked him if his view of me and the future changed… and he said that he sees more of that future with me again, but still not fully. He said there’s still a “fog” and he can’t fully see that future with me because he’s sacred the relationship will go back to how it was. About a week ago I told him it’s been long enough and he should figure out if he wants a future, marriage, an family with me or not. I told him I would move out if he hadn’t figure it out yet by this last Sunday. On Sunday he told me that yes, he does see me in that light again and sees a future with me because he has no reason to be scared because I’ve made changes and want to make things good.
I thought him saying that would make me feel better but it hasn’t. He told me he wanted a future with me right before I moved in, but a month later he changed his mind and said that when he wanted a future with me, his vision was skewed! Insignificant issues made him no longer see me as the person he wants a future with. It makes me think the same thing will happen again at any time, and it makes me feel really insecure. I am scared to waste more time with him, only to have him decide he doesn’t want that with me again. Our lease is up in August. based on everything I’ve said here, do you think I should move again with him or find my own place in August? And if I do move to my own place, should I stay with him in the relationship or not?
Thank you so much for reading that and for any advice. It felt really good to write that out!