(Closed) please help = need advice on to wait or not…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You poor thing! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Hugs!!!

My first question is, why do you want to move in with him? Do you think that moving in together will help you move closer to marriage? Do you think that’s the step you need to take to make him take your future seriously?

I think that there are definitely occasions in which a couple needs to live together to move forward. However, I’m concerned about you moving in with him if marriage really doesn’t seem to be on his radar.

November isn’t that far away in terms of waiting to move in together, but it’s far enough away that you have some time to try to figure things out, like, what the next step would be after moving in together?

You guys have been together for a long time, and it sounds like you’re ready for a proposal and the commitment that comes along with it. And that’s your right. I’d just hate for you to move in with him and expect a proposal to be the next step if that’s not how he sees it.

In short, I guess I’d spend the next few months trying to figure out if you two are on the same page.


Post # 5
240 posts
Helper bee

OK, this is how I personally deal with situations like this. It may or may not work for you, but I’ll put it out there.

You only need to ask yourself 2 questions:

1) Can I live without this person?

2) Do I think I can find someone better?

If the answer to either of these is “yes” then move on to greener pastures. If the answer to either of these is “no”…then you wait. And you accept the fact that you may not get married according to your own personal time frame. You may not get married at all, and perhaps that is a third question that you need to ask yourself: “Can I be with this person long term, for the rest of my life, is we never marry?”

And there you go. Now you know what you want, what’s important to you, and what to do. And then you get on with living your life.

Post # 6
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@darinaclock:  Oh girl, you definitely aren’t alone!

I would try to figure out some of this marriage and kid stuff before you move in, because I would just really hate to see you move in with him and never get the true kind of commitment that you want.

But I know that’s easier said than done. I’m not personally a fan of ultimatums, but I am a fan of honest discussions. And considering how long you guys have been together, he should be able to have an honest discussion with you about your future.

Maybe you could tell him something along the lines of (this is a just a paraphrase), “I want to move in with you and start the next phase of my life with you, but I want that to be just one step toward our future together. You know that I want marriage and to have kids. What do you want?”

Honestly, if you can’t get a response from him about where he sees you guys long-term, I’d hold off on moving in together until you have a better feel for whether your long-term (or heck, even short-term) goals are compatible.

Post # 7
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i can see his side. I would love to live with my Fiance too, but the house i bought for us is nowhere close to finished (and by that i mean its gutted) and it probably wont be anywhere near inhabitable until christmas, and after that i still have to come up with $7,300 for water and sewer before it is legal to live there. Plus $250 deposit to get the electric turned on in my own name because im young, and all of that on top of paying for a new car and trying to think about getting married by the middle of 2014, its a lot of pressure when you are the one paying all the bills for your future. Ease up and give the guy a break. If you dont want to wait, get a better job and help him pay for it. Itll be your house too, you know!

Post # 8
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds as though he’s just not ready so I guess just decide how long you can give him to get ready. Maybe set some internal deadlines for yourself. As in, if November does not work out then have a talk asking him where he sees himself in a year. It sounds like he’s not speaking up about what he wants and your left guessing. Maybe tell him all his excuses are hurting you and if he really wanted to be with you he would. I’m sorry your in this situation, but you are right to address it now 🙁

Post # 9
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Well, you contradict yourself.  In the first part of your post you say that you haven’t had any major fights but then you detail two major fights that you have had, so I am not sure what to think about that.

I would have been livid if the person that I was dating decided to purchase a home with his Dad instead of with me.  If you had been together for 7 years at that point, I would have turned on my heel and left, but that is just me.

From what you are saying, you have communicated to him the fact that you do not feel as if you are a priority in his life and if what you’ve written is true, then you are right.  You are not a priority.

Now, whether this is being done intentionally or not, I do not know.  After 9 years, you know him better than any of us would.

I would suggest some time apart from him.  Explain that you are concerned about the future of your relationship and that you need a chance to think.  Ask that he not contact you for a week or two while you sort through your concerns, maybe even talk to a counsellor.

If he knows how you feel and that remaining unmarried is not an option for you, then he should have stepped up to the plate.  If this is something that you can live with then so be it, but if you can’t then you have some decisions to make.

Make sure as well that any decision you come to is made on your own.  When you are at peace with the outcome, you will know that you have made the right one.

Post # 10
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@yellowismyfavoritecolor:  Perfect advice!

Either you cant live without him, regardless of marriage, or you move along.

I think you need a frank and honest discussion with him as perhaps its always been something you two just skirt around? Boys dont do subtle. You need to spell it out to him and see where that leaves you both. 

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