- 2 years ago
I have run into a few issues with a friend/member of the wedding party and I’d love insight from the hive on the matter.
1. Invited friend on a trip with other friends, after i got their okay, for a long beach weekend and paid for her part of it as while she is a successful and hardworking professional she has run into a few financial issues. She’s been there for me in the past, so it was my pleasure to give her a nice vacation. She looked down on the accommodations, complained about how she hates the beach and water, and made the whole weekend kind of a downer with us trying to figure out other activities for her. Everyone thought she had a horrible time and those that invited me noted how they would not invite her in the future as it is their yearlyish friend weekend with just friend a and b, as one of the girl’s (b) owns the beach house but rents it out except for two weeks out of the year. Yet, the friend keeps bringing up “next year”. I mentioned that it is usually friend a and b’s vacation and they normally just go by themselves and it was an invitation that I dont know would be open again in the future. plus, she did not enjoy herself and it was a buzz kill for us. Friend A point blank said to her “Oh, I didn’t think you enjoyed yourself and it is B’s house so I never assume I’m included without an invite.” But she just keeps bringing it up as if she’s included without an invitation. Maybe her way of saying I really did enjoy myself/ sorry for bringing the whole weekend down and making it about keeping me happy?
2. Every once in a while she speaks to my dh like he is an idiot. I missed a few of these in the past but he told me about it. Then I witnessed it and said “woah, not a nice way to speak to someone. please stop and think how you would feel if someone spoke to you like that” And she got very upset and started crying. I tried to talk to her about it but she kept crying and mentioned how much she loves us and etc. Cool, then don’t speak to someone in a condescending tone…
3. When we invite her over for dinner, she brings people with her. I’m a more the merrier person but it is hard when you’ve only cooked for three. I’ve told her to let me know if others will be joining as well as that it really isnt nice to just bring people along and she gives me this look like she is so offended. Looking back, I think of times she’s invited me to hang out with other friends for bbqs or whatnot and I wonder if I was actually invited/if the person knew I was coming with her. It makes me feel horrible.
She is also late to almost everything and skips out early. I realized after spending a few times with her (where she was driving me to whatever it was and I ended up at a BBQ, a store to shop, and another person’s house instead of what we had planned) she is usually juggling a ton of social engagements.
Once she asked if I wanted to catch a movie, we made plans, and I spent the whole day waiting around for her. She never called or texted and I was worried. The next day she texted and said she got caught up with another friend. Again, no biggie. Just let me know. Another time I offered to help her with a party food wise ( my kitchen is larger and I have two ovens) and she said she’d be over after work at 6pm and I waited around all evening for her. She ended up texted me at almost midnight, letting me know she decided to do finger sandwiches and if I wanted to come over to help she’d love it. I declined and told her I was happy she was okay as I was worried. The next day she left the event she was hosting before it was over to bring me a sampling of the food because she felt I was upset. I wasn’t upset, just worried as I couldn’t get in touch with her. I couldn’t believe she left the party and mentioned that and she said she had other things to do that day.
4. Day of wedding, the makeup artist asked me about nerves and etc as she said I was so calm and happy. I mentioned how dh and I didnt feel them until the rehearsal but it was more of a “we are doing this!!!” excitement. Friend, who aids those going through divorces, said “well, nothing is permanent and it you need help…” I made the decision to ignore the comment at the time because I didnt want my buzz ruined but I was really taken back. I told dh about it and said “I just dont think she thinks about what she says.” He was upset by the comment as well as the fact she left the reception very early (I shrugged it off as she does that type of thing i.e. above examples. Again, not to ruin my buzz I told her thanks for everything she helped with and how much I appreciate her but it did hurt.) and after a few cocktails on honeymoon he unfriended her on social media (and this is why I got off Facebook years ago…). It took her a few weeks to figure it out and when we got together to discuss after she texted both of us over and over while we were at work away from our phones, she started crying before I could go over the comment and her leaving being the reasons for his disappointment and not wanting anything to do with her. I spent the time reassuring her without being able to touch on the real issue. I left it feeling like I couldn’t have an honest relationship with her and even more stressed because I couldn’t go over these items with her.
5. Days before wedding an old friend who would be attending the wedding texted me and said how excited she was to get ready with the bridal party. Friend invited this old friend to the hotel to get ready with us because old friend was staying with Friend for the weekend. We had a strict timeline and limited space in the limo as well as a lot of wedding photos to take. I texted them both saying how I couldn’t wait to see old friend at wedding but timeline was strict, space in limo was limited and etc so it would not work out. Friend texted saying she was sorry she thought I’d want old friend there with us. I said I couldn’t wait to see old friend at wedding but I really wish she would ask me before inviting people to things. I almost wonder if she gets trapped and can’t say no to people. But this situation made me feel horrible as old friend was then left trying to figure out a game plan and friend never told me that old friend was staying with her, needed a ride to wedding due to this, and etc.
I am usually a pretty direct person but I do take the communication styles of others and feelings into consideration. I try to find ways to go over issues without being “mean” and it always helps save the relationship, but I am stumped. I also really try to take people as they are. I know she juggles too many commitments, know she leaves early, know she can be a bit of a snob, and that is part of who she is just like all the reasons why I love her as a dear friend but it also hurts. I’ve pulled back from this friendship and try to keep everything surface level and am trying to take it as what it is but I’d love some advice into dealing with someone who cries before you can even address issues and when you do bring up what is bothering you they keep doing the same actions. I’d also like to see the devil’s advocate side because I want to be better as a friend, too.