Needing insight on confronting friend

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

anonobee13 :  There are so many things to address here, I kinda can’t even.

 

Every behavior you describe is of someone utterly self-centered.

  • Disrespecting the hospitality of others while simultaneously expecting it to be extended again. 
  • Disregarding plans and assuming her timeline/plans/guest list is more important than the host’s
  • Treating others with a condescending/contemptuous manner

All of these things are pretty classic behaviors of a narcissist.

And. The. Crying.

She may well be genuinely upset, but crying in reaction to any comment about her behavior that isn’t positive is manipulative and quite immature. If her ego is so fragile that she can’t accept the messages from her close friends about how she may be hurting them is quite problematic.

I’ve had friends like this. Friends who were shiny and bright and amazing to be around when they were present and focused on our time. And then the rest of the relationship was skidding on the hope that person would show up again sometime instead of the needy, flaky, needball they were the rest of the time. 

I usually just did a slow fade. I stopped reaching out. I stopped taking the initiative to spend time together. And,a s it happened, it was a problem that solved itself! As soon as I wasn’t going out of my way to accomodate them, I could see they never made any effort to do the same for me. The length of time it took her to notice she wasn’t DHs FB friend is a sign that might be the case here. 

You can try confronting her about it if you want to save the relationship, but be prepared to be met with tears and apologies and excuses, but very little substantive change in her actions. This seems to be a pretty robust pattern for her, so it might not even seem like a problem from her perspective. It’s up to you if you think the relationship is worth trying to salvage.

Good luck

Post # 3
Member
2531 posts
Sugar bee

Show her this post. I’m not sure what else you can do.

Post # 4
Member
686 posts
Busy bee

She seems very selfish and manipulative. Besides the fact that she is an old friend, what is keeping you invested in this relationship with her?

Post # 5
Member
70 posts
Worker bee

She is very selfish and inconsiderate. If I were you, I’d just start to drop off contact with her. She seems to bring more problems into your life than not.

If you want to keep the friendship, there’s not point in talking with her about it. Actions speak louder than words. Just stop initiating anything and if she asks to hangout, give her a time and a place (not your house), go, if she doesn’t come or call within 30 minutes, just leave and let her know you left. I had a friend who was always late and I was so sick of it that I just left one time after waiting for 45 minutes and she called asking where I was and said I was there at the time agreed and was done eating so I left. She’s never been late again and that was over 10 years ago. Sometimes if you start to do to them what they’ve been doing to you, they get it and stop, but you need to assess how much this relationship means to you.

Post # 6
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

Yes, she seems unreliable and scatter brained but if you have history and you have fun together then I don’t see what’s wrong with taking her at face value and adjusting your expectations to protect yourself. Stop inviting her to certain activities and don’t plan your day around her anymore. This should take the pressure away from your friendship and will keep you from being disappointed.

Post # 7
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee

The crying feels like a manipulation tactic.  How could you be so monstrous to scold someone who is already in tears right?  So instead of stating how you feel, you spend your time consoling her, she becomes the victim (which must make you as the aggressor) and nothing ever gets fixed.

This friendship sounds tiresome to the point I question why you want to salvage it (who wants to tiptoe around the feelings of someone who continually and blatantly disregards yours?) but I do understand that you are emotionally invested. Why don’t you write her an email expressing your feelings?  That way you actually get to the root of your problems before she can interrupt you with a teary breakdown.  If she refuses to take your feedback on board or if nothing changes, then I’d just drop her entirely.

Post # 8
Member
6321 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

After that list, I am not clear on why you would want to continue a friendship with her at all. Why not just do the “slow fade” and not see her anymore? You know what will happen if you confront her about anything, so why bother? Additionally, I guess I feel that if you have to sit someone down and tell them what a sh*tty friend they are, then maybe you should just not be friends with them without the confrontation. Just let it go without the confrontation (which you already know will not go well).

Post # 9
Member
6033 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My initial thought when I first started reading was that she sounds really self centered and insecure. But the more I read I started to wonder if she might have ADD/ADHD that is either undiagnosed or poorly managed. Her behavior sounds like some friends and family that I have who have ADHD who used to piss me off. Once I understood that they were working with brain differences that impairs their executive functioning, then it was easy for me to adjust my expectations and behavior and also to take things less personally. I do not wait for these people EVER for anything- I’ve left my Mother-In-Law behind when she was supposed to go to a prenatal appointment with me but was running late, I’ve left my husband in the house while I left to take our son to school. I give honest feedback about my experience (and I have called people out for manipulative use of tears around me) but I don’t put myself in a position of having to rely on them for things that I know are challenges for them. I have clear boundaries FOR MYSELF about my dealings with them and I keep to them. All of my loved ones don’t have challenges in the same areas and your friend sounds like she’s got several issues on top of each other. Only you know if you’re willing to put up with her anymore but the overscheduling, poor read of social situations, perpetual tardiness, flakiness, foot in mouth moments and emotional overwhelm (and associated manipulative behavior) all sound like ADHD.

Post # 10
Member
448 posts
Helper bee

She sounds inconsiderate and self centered. And the crying? That makes her sound very young and immature or manipulative. I can’t recall any adult friend of mine crying as a result of an honest conversation we were having. I would not confront her. I would just fade out. Stop proactively reaching out to her. Decline invitations. Back off any social media, texting, or phone calls. 

Post # 11
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

TwilightRarity :  I’m also feeling very strongly that this may be a case of unaddressed mental illness.  Do you know if she sees anyone?  Is she an attorney?  That is an extremely high stress job, and incredibly depressing if she is in family law and deals with fractured relationships for a living.  Her surface-level existence, negative reaction to “fun”, discomfort around others along with intense emotions upon reproach could be a cry for help. 

Regardless, I’m sorry it has impacted you in such a poor way.  I hope it gets better.  If you care about her, I would try and talk to her, just the two of you, to try and understand if something deeper is going on here. 

Post # 12
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

It really doesn’t sound like this relationship is working for you or your husband.  (or really for her, given the crying) And you are still a good person if you end it.

Post # 13
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I had a friend for many years who is very similar to yours. Many of the things you mention, she does too. When it came to inviting her for things, she would always say she didn’t know yet, and then the time would come and go without hearing anything from her. When she invited me to the simplest thing, lunch out or a visit to her house, there would always be some other person there I didn’t expect. Once me & Darling Husband and her Darling Husband and her were going to a comedy show later in the evening, and she calls to cancel about when we were leaving the house. Stuff like that. 

We are estranged now for several years after she ignored my mom’s funeral, after me attending her grandmothers. I have not confronted her, because it just wouldn’t matter. I know how I feel and she would never agree she is selfish. She has so many other friends and so much family, I am sure I am not missed.

Post # 14
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This friend is the worst. Honestly? I’d just do a slow fade out. Don’t talk to her, don’t make plans, just slowly take her out of your life. No confrontation needed.

Post # 15
Member
8172 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonobee13 :  

If you want to  stay  friends  then the slow fade may not  be for you – though it is a great tactic.

If you want to stay friends but can’t stand the not turning up ,  being distracted by other tasks etc then,  as a pp has suggested,  stop  waiting more than  a reasonable  time,  say  30 mins  absolute maximum .

One or two texts saying  ‘hope all is well, couldn’t wait any longer so I have gone home/eaten/gone into movie/done it myself ” may do  the trick to some extent.

I  used to be  chronically late , not by  by much  but pretty much always until a friend simply went without me and later said how disrespectful and  annoying  it was.  I have never been late since !

I think the crying and trying to make you feel bad about taking her task are a whole other issue though . My personal response would  be to be brisk and act like you do when a child is making a fuss, though I admit that’s  not the most sensitive of reactions.  

ETA did you say she assists people going through divorce !???!!!

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