(Closed) needing some kind words

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 17
Member
2842 posts
Sugar bee

@keetcha:  My Fiance has his pride (as many men do). When it came to an e-ring he had no interest in sharing the cost with me. If he wants to go out to dinner he has no interest in spliting the bill with me. When it comes to paying the rent he has no interest in sharing the rent with me. He decided that paying for the ring, paying for dinner when he invited me out and paying the whole rent is his responsibility. In general he makes a little more money than me, but he also takes care of his parents, so he puts more money out each month than I do. But he still feels like these things are his job and therefore he would never expect me to take care of any of it.

This past August his Mom got sick, a few days before my birthday. He still gave me $300 for a present (I pick my own presents) and silently suffered trying to figure out how to get money to his mother. Then when I tried to give him $200 back he refused to take it. I literally had to fight with him (he did eventually send it to his mother, but from me because it was “my” money). He just feels like he must take care of these things. And he feels bad if he can’t. I would suspect that’s what’s going on in your situation. 

Post # 18
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

(( HUGS )) to you cause I can tell this is bothering you.

Truth is, he isn’t frugal with money… he just doesn’t want to buy you an ERing.

He doesn’t want to buy you an ERing because either… He isn’t ready to get Engaged… or he doesn’t want to get Engaged to you.

(sorry)

Guys don’t think like women… guys think like guys.

Your Guy is comfy in the relationship where it is… he see’s no reason to move it forward… only you do.

He is saying other stuff about a “Daydream Wedding” cause it isn’t real, and cause he knows it is “what you want to hear”

He’s playing you.

As Greg Behrendt says in his Book… “He’s Just Not That Into You”… “If he isn’t asking you to marry him”

Sweetie… he’s not asking.  Plain & simple.

You need to clear the air with him… sit him down and get a once in for all definitive answer from him.

Share your LIFE PLAN… and listen for his.

If he isn’t talking Proposal, Engagement, Wedding etc in YOUR TIMEFRAME then you aren’t on the same page.  Period.

As Steve Harvey says in his book “Act Like a Lady ~ Think Like a Man”

You are making stuff too easy for this guy… he is treated you this way because you haven’t set the Standards HIGH ENOUGH

“All I’m telling you to do is to be smart about it.  Know that if this man isn’t looking for a serious relationship, you’re not going to change his mind just because you two are going on dates and being intimate.  You could be the most perfect woman on the Lord’s green earth-you’re capable of interesting conversation, you cook a mean breakfast, you hand out backrubs like sandwiches, you’re independent (which means, to him, that you’re not going to be in his pockets)-but if he’s not ready for a serious relationship, he going to treat you like sports fish.”  (Steve Harvey)

A man that wants to get married, is moving heaven & earth to make it so.  He has A PLAN.  And is working that plan.

Re-read your post… he has no plan.

Re-read your post… you are making excuses for his not doing this thing you want more than any other… and he knows that… and he has the means to make it happen

And yet he doesn’t

THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES… time to listen 

I mean seriously… I think that by paying for your own ring, that that will make this situation any better ?

Uh, no.

It will just mean that you’ll be wearing a Ring that you bought yourself (and that isn’t what an ERing is supposed to be… NOR what you truly want for yourself).

You want a man to be over the moon in love with you… I can read it in your words

THIS MAN… isn’t

Buying your own ring sounds / is incredibly desperate… do you want to be seen as that desperate ?

Men don’t like desperate, they RUN from desperate. 

Set the bar higher hon.

And if he cannot be the guy to reach high enough to meet your standards… someone else will.

Hope this helps,

PS… Pick yourself up a copy of one of Steve Harvey’s books… about how men think… it will change your world (and your relationship)

 

Post # 19
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@jadlnc:  My husband is the same way! I agree with your take on it.  

View original reply
@keetcha:  What I usually do in this type of situation is give him back full control by saying something kinda like this “listen, I know we have discussed this a few times, and I’m tired of bringing it up. I feel you know where I’m coming from and I trust in you. I know if you say we will get engaged, that you will take care of it. The ball is in your court, can we talk about it in 6 months to touch base about it? That would make me feel better knowing I can bring it up then?”

He doesn’t seam to be responding to pressure, so ease off, he might surprise you if you let go a little. 

Post # 20
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@This Time Round:  I have to agree with everything you said.  OP, I’m sorry but when a guy wants to marry you, he won’t wait to ask.  I think you’ve nudged him all you can.  Time to set up your own mental timeline of how long you are willing to wait and then walk.

Post # 21
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I didn’t read any of the other comments, so excuse me if this is a repeat post on here, but it sounds to me like he may not be ready to get engaged. I only say this because my SO has had the money to buy me the ring I want now, but he wants to wait until I am 20 because he thinks me being 19 and engaged would be silly (whole other topic that I don’t even want to get into because it just pisses me off, people aren’t getting engaged at my age any more because the economy is in the pipes, it is not morally wrong IMO to be engaged at my age) and he didn’t tell me this until I finally put my foot down and asked him why he was totally uninterested and brushed me off about ring shopping (this all happened a couple of months ago, now I am getting closer to 20 and he wants me to start picking out rings!) So maybe like my situation he just isn’t ready and is making up an excuse. If this isn’t the case, you need to have a talk about the importance with him and tell him how badly he is making you feel. I know how it feels to pretty much become obsessed with an object to the point where it drives you crazy not to have it. 

 

Post # 22
Member
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@keetcha:  Here’s the talk I had with (to) my husband (it did work, eventually!) when he was dragging ass about buying my ring.  He had the money saved, actually, he just didn’t want to spend it.  He hates to spend money and probably just wasn’t ready to get married yet.

“Hey, I know it’s a lot of money.  And I know it’s a huge, life-changing comittment.  It’s ok if you freak out a little.  You need to be sure.  I don’t want you to propose because you think you want to get married or you think I want it, but because you can’t spend another day without me.  Just know that one day, I’ll have waited long enough and I’ll be gone.”

He proposed after we were dating for about 5.5 years, months after he bought the diamond.  It was torture, but I’m glad I let him do it when he was ready.  When he did propose, he said:

“I just couldn’t wait – I had to do it today, I want to marry you.”

 

What you do need to do is make sure he’s saving a set amount of $$ each month for wedding/ring (and you can to if you’ll need to save up for the wedding/honeymoon).  Let him know that he doesn’t need to spend it anytime soon, it’s for when he’s ready, but showing no comittment to the idea is not going to make you stick around.

Post # 23
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I must agree @This Time Round:  She usually has very helpful posts on here, and although her truth may be a little harsh to read, it seems to be true. I can tell you’re hurting, and it seems like you SO is kind of an insensitive jerk. Does he ever talk about marriage or a family with you? This is almost a daily conversation in my relationship. If he has never brought it up, I would be leery. If he has brought up family and marriage, maybe he is just a stage 5 cheapskate.

Post # 25
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

keetcha…I realize that you’re “more than willing to pay your share” but you shouldn’t have “a share” in this and it sounds like he’s just not ready or at very least, not AS ready as you are. I say back down. Back way down. Back so far down that you do not mention the word marriage again until he does. If you find that it’s taking him too long, find a $600 apt on the opposite end of town and live in it by yourself until he does. Realize that this may be NEVER and be ok with that because YOU DESERVE someone who will move mountains to make you his wife. You absolutely deserve that. If you settle for less than that, be fully prepared to settle for less than everything for the next 20,40,60 years until death do you part.

The topic ‘needing some kind words’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors