(Closed) needing some marriage advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@marriageishard: I am so sorry, this is heartbreaking. Your husband is being verbally abusive to you and it sounds like he might become physically abusive as well. Mental illness is no excuse for abuse. I hate to say it, but when he tells you he’d be better off left alone, I’d believe him. it sounds like he is scared of what he’s doing to you, but he can’t stop it. To be brutally honest, I would probably leave in this situation. My older brother had schizophrenia when I was growing up and I just couldn’t live more years of my life feeling afraid in my own home again. I would certainly not feel comfortable introducing children into your situation, either.

Post # 4
8470 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I agree with the bee above. Do not put yourself at risk for a tragedy to happen. It’s not fair to either of you. I see no good coming out if this especially since he’s doing everything he can for his problem. 

Post # 5
2890 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I honestly think you need to talk to his psychiatrist yourself. He needs a different combinations of meds and he may not be communicating well with his doctor. I would also look into counseling for yourself. You need support and guidance. I am soooo sorry you are going thru this. Mental illness is very tough.

Post # 6
1525 posts
Bumble bee

Unless he’s working to change (seeing a therapist regularly and taking medicine) then it’s hard to stay. I agree you should see a therapist as well, because it can really help to get a more professional opinion.

I have borderline personality disorder and my husband has mood issues due to his diabetes/liver issues. Basically, mood problems make relationships hard. Communication is KEY. What my husband and I do have going for us is that we talk A LOT. We have to work at staying on the same page, since with me my mood changes so frequently that I have to often center myself again (currently I’ve been emotionally checked out for awhile because of lack of sleep (I need over 8 hours a night to be stable) and all of the tragedies that have happened lately…one of which my husband drives by on his way to work every day. I can’t emotionally deal with them because I’m emotionally dealing with other stuff). I went to therapy for 2 years and am able to communicate and understand my mental health problems. I never yell at my husband (I’ve done this in past relationships) or call him names (unless it’s jokingly calling him an asshole for tickling me). I’ve worked hard to not be angry and it’s not easy, but as someone who is dealing with mental health problems, it is absolutely key to having a relationship. He would not have married me if I was abusive toward him (emotionally or physically). We’ve only been together for 8 months, but I have never thrown anything, which is something I did several times in past relationships. 

It can get better. I’ve gotten a lot better. But I had to actively work at it and I’m still working on it. My husband is working on his problems too. At times I’ve definitely thought I would be better off alone forever, since I wouldn’t ever make a relationship work to save my life, but then I met my husband and his daughter and he gave me the support I’ve needed. 

Regardless of how much you support your husband, he needs to want to get better and take steps toward getting better. It’s not easy or instantaneous. He might never get better. I think it’s important that you know that you support him, but that certain actions are abusive and crossing the line. I am so thankful for all of my husband’s support AND for his boundaries. I know he won’t put up with me being mean and emotionally/verbally/physically abusive. 

I’m sorry that you’re in such a difficult position. It’s not easy. Take care of yourself, though.

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