- 1 year ago
So I don’t know if this is the place to post this, but I need some advice.
I have a very complicated relationship with my mother.
My parents are divorced but both live in Nevada. I live in California
My mother has depression and has a hoarding problem and recently her doctor thinks she has a form of OCD. So a lot going on in her head. When I was a child I grew up resentful, because I didn’t understand she had a mental illness. But she would be neglectful( not intentionally but it still effected my life). She’d drop me off late to school, lose her temper at random times. Once she threw a bra at a sales clerk because she told my mom she was going on break. At some point she got a bit better after doctors changed her medication but she still had a lot of issues. I remember growing up she’d avoid calls from everyone no matter what, because she wasn’t feeling it, and she’d avoid them for several days. Sometimes several weeks. She’d finally get back to them and make up some lie why she didn’t call back. She also tends to stop talking to people for silly reasons. Like she stopped talking to my Aunt Vicky because she had the audacity to have breast cancer the same time my mom had breast cancer, and my aunt wanted to talk about her own cancer. She hasn’t spoken to her in 6 years! She cuts herself off from her friends for arbitrary reasons. After I became an adult I had to go behind my mom’s back so I could have a relationship with my aunt again.
So now I’m an adult and living with my husband sometimes my mom ignores my calls because she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. The frustrating part is she’ll lie to me when she finally calls me back, and I just want honesty from her.
We honestly don’t have a great relationship, whenever I’m in town we barely spend time together. I’ll take her out to dinner, our to a museum, but then I won’t hear from her for weeks… Sometimes months.
Well last weekend I had an emergency, my dad suffered a mini stroke(he’s okay now, he got lucky), and I had to drive to the hospital my dad’s staying and I try to call her because I imagine she’d want to know, and I might need her for something, emotional support? Idk, first call no answer, I leave a voice mail. Then send a text telling her I need to talk to her it’s important. An hour later I try again. Again voice mail. An hour later. Voice mail again. Right now my emotions are high because my step mom and I don’t know what’s going on with my dad, wondering if he could die that weekend, and my mom’s ignoring my calls. So the being of the voicemail it starts off me sounding irritated and before I realize it I’m yelling at my mom for the first time in my life! Growing up my mom used to tell me I was not aloud to be mad at her. So I’ve never ever yelled at her.
Well after the vm she calls me back within 3 minutes, with some excuse, I can’t decide if it’s valid or not. She is apologetic but I don’t think she really understands why I was upset. I’m upset that in a crisis I can’t go to my own mother.
I’ve been trying the last year and a half to have a better relationship with her but I’m the only one putting in effort.
I’m planning on having a talk with her but don’t know where to begin.
Right now she’s over compensating by messaging me every couple of hours, letting me know she has her phone on. Asking me if I need gas money.
I know she wants to have a relationship with me but she doesn’t know how to? Idk.
A lot of emotions are going on in me right now. We are actually moving to Reno next week close to both my parents so hopefully the shorter distance will make things a little easier, but it’s hard to say.