Needing to have a long talk with my mother

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Geekchick42 :  

Your mom is overcompensating right now, but it’s not a true change so she should fall back to her regular pattern after a while.

I can’t imagine how horrible it was, to be so panicked about your dad, and to not be able to get ahold of your mom.

You can’t change her. She’s been this way with people for your entire life and she’s not going to change now.

I’m not sure what you plan to say when you talk to her, but I think a “mom, please answer my calls when I call you so this doesn’t happen again. I know you don’t always feel like talking but just pick up and if you don’t feel like talking, we can hang up. Just please pick up when I call” would be appropriate.

That might work, maybe it won’t but I don’t really see any other conversation that could improve things with her.

Post # 3
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I think you should ask yourself what you’re hoping will come from this conversation and also what you realistically think may come of it. That might help you figure out where to begin. I think you should also ask yourself what you’re willing to accept in order to have a relationship with her because it sounds like some of these behaviors may not change.

I had this revolutionary thought a while back when I was thinking back on something I really regret. I thought, “maybe I was doing the best I could at the time,” and that led to me thinking that maybe other people who have hurt me or behaved in ways that didn’t make sense to me, maybe they were or are doing the best they could or can. It’s a scary thought, and it doesn’t excuse behavior or mean you have to accept the behavior, but it’s a perspective that I think is easy to miss when we’re angry and hurt.

I was also reading this wonderful novel recently, and this line stood out so much for me: “This is a story about a mother who loves her daughter. Imperfectly. Because we all love imperfectly.” Again, not an excuse, but a different perspective.

Post # 5
Member
1768 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’m not sure what result you ccan reasonably expect from this conversation bee.  I’m sorry your mom can’t be the mom you need.  It sucks,  but she has a set pattern of behavior and I’m not sure it can change unless she internally decides to change it.  Your relationship with your mother is set by both of you. 

You get to decide how close you can be with your mother while knowing she hoards and responds to phone calls and messages on her schedule. If she’s trying, I’d probably go along with her attempts at a relationship as long as she isn’t abusive to you, but I don’t know that you can force a closer,  more communicative relationship.  

Good luck bee. I hope your dad is feeling better.

Post # 6
Member
6440 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Your mother has never been dependable, from what you describe. I am not sure why you expected her to be different this time. It is very frustrating not to be able to depend on family, but you need to accept who she is. She will likely not want to attend therapy, as she sounds like the sort of person who wouldn’t believe she needed it. Ultimately, you need to decide what YOUR reactions will be. You can’t change someone else; you can only change your reaction to them. So come to a decision that you can make peace with internally, but don’t expect her to suddenly see that she has been unreliable and neglectful.

Post # 7
Member
2569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with echomomm

I am sorry you’ve had to deal with this behavior, OP. I understand entirely. My mom is a narcissist and also suffers from some undiagnosed mental illnesses. For my own mental health, I have had to detach emotionally from her a lot over the years. I can sit there and talk her to DEATH about what I want and need from her as her daughter, but any changes she attempts at first just never last. I cannot change her.

I would recommend seeking counseling to determine a way to cultivate some kind of relationship with your mother that doesn’t hurt you as much. 

Again I am sorry for your situation. It really sucks. I am glad that your father is doing well though. Best of luck to you! <3

 

Post # 9
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Geekchick42 :  Sorry about your dad bee, hope he’s doing well.

I had a similar relationship with my mum who has a personality disorder and mental illness, and due to the severity I eventually had to cut ties entirely, but for years I dealt with her disappointing me in times of need, so I completely understand where your frustration is coming from.

As she’s already medicated and has been this way for years, I think it’s only going to frustrate you further trying to change the situation.  It sounds like you both love each other, you demonstrate that by taking her out, and she is demonstrating it by trying to do what makes you happy by overcompensating for now with the stream of texts, though I’m sure she’ll relax into old patterns of behaviour soon enough.  

I think the best thing you can do for the both of you, is change your expectations of your mum.  Catch up with her, talk to her, but don’t go to her for support in an emergency.  It sounds like she isn’t strong enough to necessarily be able to cope with emergencies in any case.  

I hope this doesn’t sound cold, I know you SHOULD be able to turn to your mum, I spent years becoming resentful because I felt I was missing something because I couldn’t rely on mine, but I became much happier when I stopped having this expectation which was not realistic due to her mental health, and instead made sure I had a strong support system of other family members and friends around me. 

Post # 10
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

youngbrokebride :  

All of this.

You can love someone and still protect yourself from the things you know they are unable to change. My anger and resentment disappeared when I began to accept that my mother is mentally ill

Post # 11
Member
47187 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

 You can’t change your Mom. She is who she is.Your expectations are unrealistic if you think family therapy is going to make her mentally well.

The only person you can change is yourself.  Have you considered seeing a therapist for yourself?

Post # 12
Member
11651 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Geekchick42 :  right now, bee, your father is gravely ill. This brings us all to our knees in a way that is impossible to describe, and naturally makes you want to turn to your other parent for comfort. 

You are in a very bad position here, because your mom is incapable of providing that comfort. Not because she doesn’t love you, but because she is struggling with her own demons. 

I suggest you take the focus off of your mom right now and focus on your feelings about your father. Make a list of people in your life who are reliable support. Cultivate those relationships. Be kind to yourself.

Understand that you are in a crisis right now, and this is no time to try to repair a relationship  with a mentally ill parent. There is nothing but disappointment down that path. 

Sending you and your family my thoughts and prayers, and hope for a successful recovery.

I also want to share that my FIs father is currently trying to recover from brain cancer surgery and his mother is diagnosed BPD and has chosen, predictably, this time to be her most cruel and selfish. People are who they are, and during times of crisis they often double down instead of rise up. I know how painful this is… hang in there. 

Post # 13
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2000

Geekchick42 :  omg I could have written this post!

 I am going on 36 and me and my mom have never had a good relationship she can be the kindest person or the cruelest with seemingly no in between..

she recently stopped taking her medication and said she was going to embrace her crazy?!?! Ok so wtf are the rest of is to do with her crazy????

my aunts avoid her shit half the time my dad can’t stand her!

she wonders why when we bought our house why we bought it over an hour away?!  I can’t take it!!!

my eldest son who is able to say yes or no to going to grandmas house never wants to go because ahe is soooo all over the place with her moods so she blames me because he is just like me  no he just doesn’t wanna be your whipping boy ..

anyway I could go on I just wanted to send you hugs and let ya know that you are not the only one..

no advice I’m still trying to figure out how to not kill my mom while she is embracing her crazy 😝 jk I love her but man it is a hard job!

Post # 14
Member
5575 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

meliamartinez31 :  

Oh man. If she wants to embrace her crazy, you have every right to not be around her during that. You can start coming around when she goes back on her meds. Ugh.

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