Post # 1
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
Hi bees. I need some advice or just some thoughts, I’m not really sure. Basically my husband is incredibly negative the majority of the time. This is completely opposite of my personality so it’s really hard to be around. I do my best to support him, but at times it seems to only encourage him to drown in things even more and just be miserable. He also has something against everything I suggest it seems. It’s like he literally stalks around looking for things to criticize or be angry over. Here is an example. We are having it second child in less than 2 weeks! We have 2 vehicles: a Ford Fiesta and a Hyundai Tucson. I drive the Fiesta currently and he drives the Tucson. This is because his work is farther away than mine and he needs the 4 wheel drive in the winter where we live. I told him now that I will be carting 2 kids around I want a 4 wheel drive vehicle as well because even though I work nearby, I don’t feel safe driving a tiny Fiesta in harsh winters when I am also responsible for daycare dropoffs, pickups, and bringing kids to doctor appointments. He thinks we don’t need another car and that I’m being unreasonable. He is mad about the money, which makes no sense because we have separate accounts and I have made it clear I don’t expect him to pay anything for another car and I’m happy to do it. We would trade in the Fiesta and buy something slightly used so it’s not like I am wanting a top of the line model out of our price range or something. Just something more reliable, spacious, and safe for me and 2 small children. Another example: I work full time as a teacher and have another part time job that is solely online. Since I got my part time job, I’ve used my school laptop to do it which technically I shouldn’t even be doing because the technology agreement states school equipment should be used for school purposes only. I told him my laptop will be used by my longterm sub when I’m on maternity leave so I would Iike to get a new laptop so I can do my part time job because I won’t take as long of a leave from that one as I will from school. He thinks this is ridiculous, too and doesn’t see why I need a new laptop. I do have a personal one, but I’ve had it since 2013 and it’s super slow and actually was once burned so has an exposed motherboard on the bottom. Not exactly safe! Laptops really aren’t that expensive and again, I’ve told him I don’t expect him to pay for any of it. It feels like he just wants to disagree with anything I want to do and it’s really starting to weigh on me. This happens with even simple day to day things. Does he just want it to be his idea or something? It’s just really hard to be around and I’m starting to resent him for constantly shooting me down. Has anyone else dealt with a partner like this before?
Post # 2
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: August 2015 - City, State
That sounds awful. I would just do what I want to do regardless of what he says. You need those things, period. If you have separae accounts and your money is not considered community property by law, I don’t understand why you bother to ask his permission.
Post # 3
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
Is his negativity always tied to money or is he also critical of things most would find minor? (eg. color of your shoes, food served at someone’s party…)
Post # 4
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
Why do you keep on having kids with him? He is never going to change. You need to decide if you want to expose your kids to his toxicity full time. Their self esteem will be so screwed up, not to mention their relationship norms. I would not subject my children to that.
Post # 5
Member
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
@bm222: is your part time job the one you wanted to do with the cruise/trips bookings? From your past posts it looks like you’ve had issues with your husband for a long while, and included him accusing you of cheating at one point? Maybe it would be a good idea to seek counseling?
Post # 6
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
@yogahammy: I am trying to get better at “informing” vs seeking approval for sure! I’ve made it clear I will follow through with these things, but it doesn’t stop him from looking down his nose at me and sharing his comments. We are at my parents’ house this weekend and he even made some comments in front of them which irritated me even more. Usually he at least keeps it between us.
@bcaggee: No, his negativity can and is about anything. He has made comments about my parents which is where I have to draw the line. He always criticizes the dinners I make when it’s something new. Once in a blue moon he will only have good things to say, but usually there’s something he tells me I should have done differently, the portions were too large, etc. He complains about other people A LOT or judges them, and I have learned to just ignore the comments because if I confront him about his poor attitude he then unleashes verbally on me instead. Or if I disagree with him he gets irritated. It’s like I am not allowed to question anything that comes out of his mouth and he wants to be the sole decision maker on everything? It can never be a healthy discussion with 2 different viewpoints. If I have a different opinion and state it, then he instantly is annoyed.
Post # 7
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
@zl27: His behavior isn’t necessarily consistent. He will go months being happy and then it’s kind of at the drop of a hat that he goes back to this behavior. I always think he’s changed and he proves me wrong. I think it’s very easy for someone from an outside perspective to have your opinion and say, “Easy, just leave,” but I’ve been with him for 10 years and it’s confusing for me to know which is his true self when I want to believe the very best parts of him. 🙁 You will also see I have not posted anything about him in awhile because he goes through these spurts where he is acting like his normal self, but then it’s like a switch and he’s different
@lifeisbeeutiful: No, my part time job is actually as a Stitch Fix stylist. I’ve had this job for almost 3 years. I’ve asked about counseling and he’s very negative about that, too and says that when people need marriage counseling it’s not a marriage he wants to be in. Again, constantly judging.
Post # 8
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
@bm222: I just reread your post history. This is textbook abuse.The good times are the act, not the norm.
Eta: I was your daughter. I promise you that the sooner you divorce him, the better for her.
Post # 9
Member
8256 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Just 4 months ago you posted about your H not understanding, wanting you to give up your life. What has changed? He still sounds misogynist and assholian. What are you looking for posting your abusive stories multiple times in this forum?
Post # 10
Member
1214 posts
Bumble bee
Is there a way to talk to him about this?
Babe, your critical comments towards me need to be outweighed by positive comments. I can take some criticism but I need more positive comments than negative ones. You are being very judgy and critical lately and it’s unlike you. I don’t know why you are so negative lately or where the happy positive you went but I’d like him back. This isn’t a conversation it’s not up for discussion these are my feelings.- Then walk away or say it before he is going somewhere or before you are leaving the house. Give him time to think about it.
Then when he is critical just say, babe, positivity.
His reaction to you talking about this would tell me all I needed to know to see if this was a situation that could be improved or if he is tearing you down and abusing you until one day you don’t recognize yourself and finally get help. I have had friends in relationships like this and they didn’t leave till years later when it escalated to physical abuse and then to physical abuse of others in the house.
Post # 11
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
Is he critical with your child as well? My dad is like that, everything I do he has a comment about how I’m doing it wrong. As I got older I just have to stand up to him and tells him to keep it to himself. I’m kind of lucky that he was working away loads when I was growing up, but I think it really would have done a number on my self esteem if he was around all the time.
So I think you need to consider how his negativity will impact on your children as well. He needs to either keep it to himself or you’ll need to somehow shield them from his criticism.
Post # 12
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
@jellybellynelly: I’m looking for support without judgment. Plain and simple. I have no one to talk to about this and I sometimes feel like I am just in need of kindness.
Post # 13
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
@elodie2019: This is great advice. Thank you. I will try approaching him this way.
@motherofkittens: My daughter is only 2.5, but he is actually a great dad. He’s a far better father than partner. He never criticizes her and I hope that continues. I think that’s part of the reason why I continue to give out chances and end up giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Post # 14
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
@elodie2019: this is terrible advice. Have you read her other posts about him?
Post # 15
Member
9160 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Sometimes kindness is telling someone something they don’t want to hear or aknowledge.
Your husband is controlling towards you. That is abuse. You may not be ready to hear it but it is not judgement for others to point out that fact.
Please go to therapy on your own. And be open and honest with the therapist.
@bm222: