Negative And Critical Partner

posted 3 months ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

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@elodie2019:  I totally agree with this, it’s easy for internet strangers to tell you to leave. Sounds like you know what you need to be doing and you know that you shouldn’t have to put up with his crap and set an example to your kids. Good luck with everything and especially the birth of your little boy. I hope that in the future you’ll find a man who appreciates you and treats you as an equal partner xx

Post # 32
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@bm222:  unfortunately your wee boy will grow up seeing his dad treat you badly unless things change. I always wish my mum had left my dad when I was young so that there weren’t all the years of physical and emotional abuse. 

I understand that it might take some time for you to be able to leave, but I really think you should leave as soon as you can. My siblings and I have so much emotional baggage because of how we were allowed to be treated and my mom was blind to it and constantly forgave my dad when he promised he’d not do it again. Multiple times a year she would forgive him, for drinking and shouting and hitting and beating and shaking us all. Please, please don’t take the risk of your kids going through this. 

Take care OP, stay safe, look after yourself and your kids and please make a plan to escape. 

Post # 34
Member
38 posts
Newbee

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@bm222:  read the book called The Surrenderd Wife 

Post # 35
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

Even if he never directs his hostility/abuse towards the kids, they will grow up seeing how he controls and belittles you. There’s an incredible amount of scientific research that shows that kids model the relationships they see in their parents. Do it for your kids, so that they grow up knowing that women deserve respect and will not take s***. Hell, just do it so they can grow up not thinking the world is a terrible negative place. It’s also very likely that he WILL direct the abuse towards the kids once they are older and start exibiting signs of independence. 

It’s definitely easier said than done for internet strangers. But that’s kind of the point – to get some objectivity and outside persepective. We know it’s not actually easy at all. I’m not saying walk out tomorrow, but it’s brilliant that you’re making a plan. You’re already ahead of many in that you have some financial independence. 

Post # 36
Member
4476 posts
Honey bee

My mom tried to leave when I was a toddler and my brother was an infant. My grandparents sent her back home. We would have been so much better off if she had been able to leave at that time. Instead, she left when I was 11, and my dad used both us kids as his pawns. it was bloody horrific. Not to mention, all the harm that was caused in the years in between.

So yes, I wish she had divorced him when we were younger.

Post # 37
Member
6160 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

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@weddingbee4466:  this is the worst advice, probably top 3 times of worst advice given ever.

Post # 38
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@weddingbee4466:  … absolutely not, OP. Don’t even read the description. This is horrible advice. This book is only useful if you want to transport back to the patriarchal environment of decades ago. Vomit. 

Post # 39
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

I just read your previous posts and your husband is not just critical, but abusive. A lot of the tactics he pulled, my ex-husband did as well, especially the one where he said he was gonna kill himself if I left or when I didn’t agree with him and stood my ground firmly. He wasn’t emotionally and verbally abusive as your H though, I always pushed back hard and he HATED that! He thought because I disagreed with him it meant I hated men because I am a feminist (he obviously didn’t know what feminism stands for). He would also be critical about the food I made, my family, and just my personality in general- it was exhausting! He would tease me a lot to the point it got hurtful, like throwing jabs at me. But god forbid I teased him or other people did… he would be pouting in a corner. Looking back, I am SO glad I left him, the first night in my new apartment was a celebration to regain myself and my life- he was definitely holding me back, just as your husband is. He is a textbook manipulator and a lier. I am glad you still see this and are making careful plans to leave him, but with the new baby, I don’t really see you doing it for another year, I hope I am wrong. Please get therapy for yourself and be honest in your sessions! Your therapist can help you get out of this cycle. Don’t believe he is going to change simply because he apologizes once after years of bringing you down and playing the guilt card. He knows he has you eating out of his hands, I would be strategic in letting him believe he still has this power over you as you make your exit plan. 

Also, in your last post, you mentioned ‘someone’ very conveniently messaged your H on FB about you cheating on him. My father dated this absolute nightmare of a woman, definitely the worst person I have ever met in my entire life. She made up the same story- someone called her and told her my dad was cheating on her. She then later admitted she made it up… crazy! Always a jealous manipulator who didn’t even want us, his daughters calling him! She would go on the other landline to eavesdrop when we did. 

 

Post # 40
Member
10110 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@bouviebee:  

omigod….l never heard of this before and just looked it up. The dot points alone are enough to curdle the blood . …….

l have to agree with lifeisbeautiful pp who said top 3 of bad advice on these boards . 

Post # 43
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

I am not condoning The Surrendered Wife at all (I am not familiar with it), but a quick Google search brought up “Continuing in an abusive, alcoholic, or adulterous relationship is not promoted or condoned.”. 

Post # 44
Member
426 posts
Helper bee

Not to derail, but just for the record, anyone who is considering reading or subscribing to the philosophy of The Surrendered Wife should read the following:

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/verbal-abuse-in-marriage/

The comments are particularly heartbreaking. I beg you, please, DO NOT look to this drivel for marriage/relationship advice.

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