Post # 1
I am new here. I just got engaged 3 weeks ago and while I am extremely happy about my wonderful future with my amazing fiance, I can’t help feeling really down about the way some of my “friends” are reacting. To give a bit of background story, I met my finace last August and almost as soon as we met, we knew we were meant to be together. I’ve had multiple long term relationships that went no where (I am 35), and so to find true love FINALLY, I am estatic.
But instead of being genuinely happy for me, I hear from the gossip vine, that some people are saying my finace only proposed for a green card (he is Swedish, with a H1B visa. He is extremely talented and has really no need to get married to stay in the country). While I know it’s completely ludicrous, I feel really hurt from these kinds of comments. It was made from an old friend who I really thought cared for me.
She’s married herself, so I can’t imagine her being jealous. I can see our short dating period might raise some eyebrows but I don’t feel like I should have to defend my decision to want to be married to someone I am sure is right for me.
Shouldn’t this be the happiest time in my life? Why do I feel so alone? How do I deal with nasty comments like the above?
Post # 3
I disagree. I think your friend is extremely jealous you landed a good looking Swedish guy with an awesome accent (I mean, I haven’t met someone from Sweden I haven’t like yet).
It really is sad when people are mean spirited, but I would just ignore their pettiness and talk more to the people who are excited for you! When the Fiance and I got engaged some of our friends were jealous and said everything from I must be pregnant (BIG negatory on that one) to we ran into money trouble and HAD to live together (again, very far from the truth). Just remember you found a wonderful man and you know it is real. Their comments won’t hurt as much and in fact, you will think of them as silly in the long run.
Oh and come on WeddingBee a lot! Everyone here is so supportive and positive. I love it here. **HUGS**
Post # 4
Welcome and congratulations!!
That is very unfortunate that one of your friends is saying negative things about your engagement. Everyone has opinions and a lot of them come from jealousy. Think about it: If she were a true friend and felt this way, she would come to you privately and express her concerns instead of saying it behind your back.
My friend recently said to me that weddings are the least expensive way to find out who your true friends are. I totally 100% agree with her. It’s the biggest and most important event in your life and you will see people show their true colors by the effort or lack of effort they make for you. It’s been a real learning experience for me!
To her point though, is that something you’ve thought about? I’m not trying to pretend like I know your situation at all, but it’s a legitimate thought that people who love you will have. Just like when girls get engaged really young, most people don’t support or understand the marriage since it’s smarter to wait. You might want to at least have something thoughtful to say in response to that kind of comment since it will most likely cross peoples minds.
Post # 5
i think shes jealous too!!
for us, about 90% of people were THRILLED for the engagement. i had 3-4 friends who made negative comments about it. for example, we went ring shopping together and actually booked the venue before we were officially engaged (it books 12 months in advance, we wanted our date!) and that’s where most of the comments stemmed from. one girl even made comments about both of those things, and still continues to say things on occasion, three months later (and shes married too!). my “friends” who have made comments are either jealous or are unhappy with their own situations, and you know what i’ve FINALLY realized? suck to be them!!!
Post # 6
Maybe it isn’t jealousy, but some kind of spiteful feeling is behind this. That is a real shame, and I’m sorry you are facing this.
Your courtship is relatively fast, but given your age, it does not seem abhorant to me. Many of my older friends have gotten engaged and married faster. It’s just more common to know what you are looking for when your life is more established and you have experience.
Post # 7
This is a hard situation to be in. I’m in something similar, but not really.
Although their concerns might have some ground to stand on, my biggest qualm is that they haven’t approached you directly about it. Someone who truly cares about you, and is concerned (possibly not knowing the situation or your fiancee well) really should be talking to you about it.
Post # 8
hahaha, THANK YOU for the kind words! I do love my FI’s awesome accent, tho he is very proud of having “no accent”. my own family and his family are both extremely happy that we found eachother as so are we. I guess I didn’t expect people to show their true colors so soon. It made me sad knowing that perhaps I really don’t have as many close friends as I thought I did. I am tempted to take her off the guest list and save myself $200 but since I’ve known her for so long and she is part of our social circle, it would be strange to not invite her and her husband. Perhaps I should just confront her about the rude comment.
Has anyone lost any friendships due to a wedding annoucement?
Post # 9
I’m going to agree with the jealousy comments – despite the fact that she’s married, she sounds very jealous to me! And with the two of you being a little older, the speed of the progression of your relationship doesn’t seem off to me. And besides, sometimes you just know.
I also had a friend who would always make comments like “I don’t even know why you’d want to be married now. You’re so young!” (I’m 23 so its not like I’m really young – I’ll be over a year out of college by the wedding – not an uncommon time to marry). Or my favorite was “You know, I know so many people getting married now. I’m sure most are going to be divorced in 5 years or less.” This was said to me not long after I got engaged. Umm, thanks!
She is so clingy when it comes to boys though and I KNOW she’d be so excited to be engaged herself (despite the comments above). I know she’s just jealous that I’ve found such a good catch!
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
I can totally see how that would be hurtful, I would feel the same way! Like moderndaisy said, you really do find out who your friends are when you’re planning your wedding.
It sucks bc sometimes, those that hurt you are the ones you most expected complete love and support from. I’m really sorry that happened, it’s no fun for anyone…
But on the positive side, being engaged can really help strengthen or develop bonds with friends whom maybe you were not as close to beforehand…
Good luck, congrats on your engagement and welcome to the Hive!
Post # 11
And, second, maybe she said it jokingly, and the person that told you is jealous.
Since she is and old friend, I would just talk to her about it, and let her know you were hurt by the comment. I am sure she didn’t mean it in a bad way.
Post # 12
Well, I didn’t exactly LOSE a friend, but I definitely don’t talk to her as much as I did for various reasons (and I won’t hang out with her anymore). She is pretty upset she isn’t invited to the wedding, but she started dating my ex a few days after we broke up and she wants to bring him. What? I don’t think so!
When we got engaged she said “Well at least you found a good man. Even if he isn’t as great as <ex> you had your shot!”
Actually those two had been flirting and texting behind my back (well sort of, I knew what was going on). When my Fiance and I started talking, that is when I decided to upgrade to a man who actually wanted to be with me. Oh and for what it is worth, she goes on and on about how great their relationship is, but he flat out refused her proposal, so I can see why she is jealous.
Some people just can’t be happy, but I agree to talk with your friend. Maybe it was meant as a joke and the messenger didn’t get the joke part. At the very least maybe it will give her an opportunity to apologize and smooth things over.
Post # 13
Hi dear supportive bees,
Since I do care about my friendship with the person who had said the hurtful things, I’ve decided to confront her and let her have the chance to explain herself. She said she was sorry but she was worried because another American/Danish couple got married then divorced because they disagreed on where to live/have kids.
The explanation is really weak (when did a single case of bad marriage examplify every marriage in general?) and it doesn’t touch upon the green card thing at all but I think she was very embarassed to be called out on her shit talking. I told her that she doesn’t have to worry, we do talk about the future. We already live together and we do share the same values even if we are not from the same country.
In the end, we had patched our differences and I am sure she will not bring up this conversation again behind my back. I also feel a lot better being able to clear the air instead of being passive aggressive and not invite her to the wedding.
I just didn’t expect weddings to create so much drama between friends! But a big thanks to everyone here. This is a very supportive community!!
Post # 14
weddings are HUGE drama starters! Women get jealous… even if they are married! However, I have some single friends who I can tell are jealous because they have been with their SO so long they start to wonder what is wrong with them. I actually had a friend call me bawling and asking why her boyfriend wouldn’t propose when they had been together 5 years… I really felt bad for her and she wasn’t jealous just more depressed. The majority of the people aren’t happy or depressed but are in fact happy that you have found someone who you love.
I sincerely hope your friend meant what she said and had honorable intentions behind her talking, but if it was really honorable wouldn’t have she just said it to your face in the first place? Sounds a little sketchy to me…
Post # 15
I hear you! I’ve been one of those 5 year+ girls and just be devastated when I hear about other girls getting hitched. Actually, I was in one of these 5 year relationship WHEN I met Fiance. I was extremely depressed, the relationship totally consumed all my thoughts, I just couldn’t figure out how to make it go forward. Then it occur to me it was the WRONG relationship. He was not in the same stage as me. He wasn’t ready and I was running out of time to wait.
At that time I met Fiance. We were instant best friends. We went to museums, the park, had long talks. He was the shoulder that I leaned on. I respected him as a person and a professional. We shared so many of the same values, beliefs and taste. It took me a while to realize I was in love because I am already in a relationship that I am trying so hard to move forward. But once we both confessed, it was a huge relief. Since the Boyfriend or Best Friend at the time decided to take an extended world tour and did not bother to set a return day, it was rather easy to break it off. I think my heart was already broken for years.
I actually thought my story would bring most of these single girls some hope since I had been one for so long. I mean, relationships are HARD work… you have to compromise constantly but strangely, ever since I met Fiance, I haven’t had a day of boy trouble 😉 I am blessed!
Post # 16
@jamiemichelle—i had the exact same thing happen!! this couple ended up breaking up a month ago.
@nycbride10000—i also think her explanation is a little sketchy, but maybe she learned her lesson and will be normal from here on out 🙂