(Closed) Negative Post – Sorry… I think I’m about done waiting

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1314 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

🙁 i’m so sorry! I know you said he has the money, but have you suggested a cheaper option for rings- like moissanite, an heirloom, a CZ stand in, etc? Even though you think he has the money, he might not have enough to get you what he thinks you want. It might help to let him know that you want to be his fiancee, no matter what ring he gets you. You both can save up and go e-ring shopping together for a better ring later. 

Have you been asking him a lot? Or bringing it up a lot? Try reaffirming your love for him, reigniting the spark that brought you together, etc. That might help him feel “ready”. 

I’m sorry this is happening to you! Don’t give up, it sounds like he really does want to ask.

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I have been there and completely understand your emotions and anger and the feeling that you dont know if you can forgive and forget the pain.  But you know what? You can. 

You have tried the “tricks” and the personal deadline. Its now time for a deadline from him. Ask him for a time frame and if that time frame comes and goes they you can decide what you need. Tell him if you get a time frame that you both can agree on then you will be able to let him plan stress free and keep quiet.

Post # 7
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like I could have written this post.

First off sorry it has gotten to the point where you feel this terrible.  It is a real self esteem killer.  I would say to cut the time you spend with him down as much as possible and give each other some breathing room.  I hope you can really get back to a good place again and maybe he needs the same.  I cannot stress the importance of taking care of yourself and doing things for only yourself and NOT him.  Focus!  While you have no control over the waiting you do have control over your actions.  Can you back out of the trip in April?

*internet hugs*

Post # 8
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Ditto on the “I could have written this post”. 

I’ll be 35 in June.  My boyfriend is 34. Dating for 2 years.  Similar issues. And I FREAK OUT every once in a while too, even though I know I shouldn’t and it’s NOT my personality to do so.  Seems like you have the same emotions as I do in this situation, and it’s SO hard!  I feel for you… I know what you’re going through, especially being the same age and having everyone you know our age already being married for years (if that’s the case like it is for me).

Anyway…..You are DEFINITELY not alone!  Just wanted to post and let you know.  🙂

 

Post # 9
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry you feel this way. But do you really want a proposal when he’s feeling so pressured? I think you need to ease up on him and the proposal, the more you push, the less special it will be. I don’t think books can “teach” you how to get a proposal either. Just let it be and it’ll work out, honestly i think you’re lucky you haven’t pushed him away with all this

Post # 10
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Men do not like ultimatums and deadlines when it comes to committing to a woman for the rest of their life.  Believe me.  It astonishes me how many women still do this to their men.  It makes me wonder about the divorce rate in this country.

Sorry not trying to be mean but just stop with the crying and questioning and maybe he’ll ask.  You said yourself that you can only go about 2 weeks to a month without saying anything, so you are basically breaking down and getting all emotional and pressuring him on a monthly basis.  You might be pushing him away or making him resentful and making him feel that all you care about are your needs and not just letting things flow and letting him find the right moment and do it on his terms to make it special.  You’re ruining the surprise that he may very well have already come close to giving you!

My advice is to just let it go and give him 6 months, tops… and then I’d say  goodbye if it hasn’t happened then. You’ve already been together long enough, what’s another half a year?  That is plenty of time to lay off him and let him come around and if he hasn’t asked by then, he probably won’t and if that’s the case then I’m really sorry and he’s a jerk and you should move on.

But from what you say, he sounds like he loves you and sees you as his wife so just chill and let it happen naturally and stop with all of your deadlines, etc…

Also, when I say lay off, I mean just be really IN LOVE and care free and be CONFIDENT in your relationship.  Make him feel solid and that you are solid yourself.  Make him believe that you are truly off the “where’s my proposal” mentality and it’ll ease the pressure on him and he’ll probably really want to to do it then.

Post # 12
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@nontraditionalmiami: You know, there is a post like this in EVERY waiting thread. Someone, usually someone who isn’t waiting and has either forgotten or never felt how it feels, says “oh well just stop feeling that way.”

If it were that easy, don’t you think she would have tried that already? She is frustrated, tired, and confused. I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling that way. It is kind of unfair to say that she should deny the way she feels to make her Fiance more comfortable. Yes, maybe they should discuss it in a different way (and trust me, I understand the tears and explosions) but I don’t think she should have to be totally silent about it to give him his way.

This is supposed to be mutual, she shouldn’t have to deny who she is to get him to propose to her.

I think everyone who considers themselves to be “waiting” (except, of course, for those among us who are perfect and fart rainbows) had a phase like this and it’s normal.

Post # 13
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I totally understand, trust me. I didn’t mean to sound unsympathetic, but I just REALLY get guys and always have.  I know how they are and I realize that like 80% of women do not understand men at all and think they do (we give them way too much credit in the analytical part of their brain, or lack thereof, for one thing).  Men are very simple creatures and don’t like to be pressured by women they are involved with, it’s as simple as that.  And not only that, but in re: to men, I can also say with certainty that if a man is head over heels in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you will know..trust me. And he will ask.  I’m not saying this man is not head over heels in love with her, but I just think that getting emotional and pressuring will definitely draw him away.  It’s a hard truth that you ladies who are impatiently waiting need to come to grips with. 

But I get it..she is going to be 36 and probably wants kids, etc..  she does have every right to feel that way and now that she has mentioned his last minute personality I get it more.  But then again, you’ve known this about him and have chosen to stay with him regardless, so just wait a little longer and try to take my advice and I think it will work:) 

And for the record, I am just not one of those “normal” chicks who has envisioned my wedding since I was 10 and bla bla bla.  I’m a huge tomboy at heart and never really cared for weddings and even got a little last minute anxiety about getting married before my husband and I just went to the courthouse in December and did it.  I’m 29 and not even remotely close to wanting kids either. So I guess my perspective on this whole situation is obviously going to be a lot different than most ladies’ on the board, that’s all.  

Post # 14
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First, I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly.  However, in the most simple way I can put it- if you set this deadline and he doesn’t meet it, are you really prepared to be single again- and start over?! He obviously loves you, and you love him. Could you imagine looking back in 20 years realizing what you could have had? I can’t imagine a situation where you left him and found another man, built a great foundation with love and respect leading up to a proposal even within 2 years at best! In the end, you’ll probably end up waiting much longer to get married if you leave him– and you’ll most likely regret it anyway, because you obviously love this man very much or it wouldn’t hurt so badly!

My advice- no matter how badly it hurts, keep your lips sealed. Use all restraint possible!! It will come. In the mean time- love him and love yourself as much as possible. 

Best wishes.

Post # 15
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Have you ever considered instead of waiting for a proposal you two should make the decision to get engaged together (I.E. no pressure on him/it’s a mutual decision)?

 You’re putting this all on him, why not make it easy? “Hey [insert name here], I’ve been thinking. I don’t want some spectacular proposal, I just want to be married to you. Are you ready to set a date?” *he says yes or no* If yes, “Well, why don’t we go order a ring together and have a celebratory lunch?”

.. Not exactly that, but something along those lines. Some guys just don’t know how. I showed my  husband some rings on the computer and he pointed at the one he really liked and we ordered it together. Poof! Engaged! If he humms and hawws you know it’s time to leave, because he’s still not ready.

 

Post # 16
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

Maybe it’s the feminist in me, but why don’t you just ask him. I think that more often than not, these kinds of societal expectations just end in grief for everyone. For the woman, it’s a lack of validation that turns her into an emotional wreck, and for the guy, there’s all the pressure of pulling off a perfect proposal, so he keeps putting it off.

Maybe you’re a traditional person, and really want to do it this way, but before you decide to give up and walk away from the relationship, just ask him, he’ll either say yes, and then you’ll get married, or he’ll say no, and you can walk away, knowing it was never going to happen.

I’d wait a few more months, no pressure from you, and then move forward. Maybe knowing that you’ll have a definite next step will help keep away the emotional outbursts.

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