Post # 1
I am slowly beginning to dread my planning…
I am very close to my mom, but we are VERY different people. She is traditional and conservative and I’m liberal and a little less traditional. I feel like everything I get excited about, she makes a face at… and it’s really sad.
I’ve told her that I would like her to not be so negative about things she doesn’t care for. I know I’m not doing things the way she would do them… because this is MY day. I don’t want to keep dreading sharing my excitement with her…
It really started when my FH and I picked our venue. We still have to put a deposit down, but when I told my mom she made a face and commented that she didn’t like the place at all when days earlier she was open to the idea. We went to see three places after checking out a metric ton online and we know what we want. She keeps saying it’s too expensive when I’m the one who has done the research and I have tried sharing with her that it’s actually cheap compared to many other places she and I had been looking at. And it’s the place we want.
Then I mentioned wanting to do a photo guestbook and a fingerprint tree and she was immediatly not into the idea of anything other than a signing book.
Then she started hating my choice of live flowers (sunflowers) because they would look terrible with my dress (I totally disagree!). We have completely different eyes for style and everything I think is cute she makes negative comments on.
It just seems like she is going to hate my wedding and my choices no matter what I do.
How do you deal with this? I want to be excited, but I feel like she is going to be negative about all mychoices because they aren’t traditional and conservative like she likes.
Post # 4
@KatieJean: Im sorry to hear this. Facing negativity about something you are so excited about is very disheartening.
Would your mom be receptive if you told her that her reactions are hurting your feelings and ruining the process for you? That you want her included and to be a part of the joy, but youd appreciate it if she just accepted that your taste is different? Maybe youve made comments to her, but a sit-down conversation might be in order.
Post # 5
@Evie19: I want to… but I hate confrontation. I feel like because she is paying for so much of the wedding I have to factor in her tastes… But I don’t want to have the wedding she wants, I want to have the wedding FH and I want!
We want to do a Friday wedding and she said it was selfish. Our venue is a little ways out of the city and she said we were burdening our guests. I just don’t know what to do! We have made sure there are hotels and shuttles for our out of town guests and we LOVE this venue… I don’t know how to tell her we want to put the deposit down.
Post # 6
@KatieJean: I know you don’t like confrontation, and regardless of who is paying, its your wedding. I hate when parents give money with strings, it makes me so mad!! I would just sit her down and tell her that you are sorry she doesn’t see your vision, but you are being true to you and your Fiance, and this is what you want. Tell her that if she continues to be so negative, then you will have to find other means of paying for your wedding, and if you can’t, then you guess elopement will be the answer. Of course, only if it will work to make your mom see that you are wiling to give up your wedding over the negativity, she might reconsider. Sometimes, you have to play tough!
Post # 7
i hate to ask but is she contributing greatly to your wedding? i could understand wanting SOME say then but still, its your day. did she ever have a fantastic wedding day of her own? and just say hey mom, i’m the one that has to live with these decisions for the rest of my life, not you. i’m sorry planning has turned into a bummer:(
Post # 8
@KatieJean: Im really sorry, but the only solution is confrontation. Confrontation doesn’t mean yelling. You need to be assertive-not aggressive, not passive, but assertive.
I think you could tell her that you feel so appreciative of her financial help, etc. but…you want this wedding to reflect you and your Fiance.
If you don’t have a talk with her, then the only other solution is just to proceed and keep putting up with all the negative reactions.
Post # 9
i’m sorry. you did say she’s paying for a great deal of it. but its your dream day. how about in a very nice, sincere way tell her how much you appreciate her helping give you the day you’ve always dreamed of and imagined and maybe she’ll take the hint that its about you and not her.
Post # 10
I have dealt with a mom like this from day one. It’s tough! I hate that you’re going through it!
My recommendation: Sit down with your mom and ask her what are the most important things to her in your wedding. Really get her to list and prioritize those items and have her explain why they are so important. This does two things, it helps you understand where she’s coming from and it also shows that you’re trying to ensure that you meet her needs/expectations/desires. In reality, it can also be a tool for you down the road. When she quibbles over details like the signing book v. thumb print/wishing tree, you can point out to her that she didn’t list it as a priority and how you’re trying to please her in every way you can, but there are some things that you need at the wedding to make it feel like it’s YOUR wedding.
You really need to get her to commit to her list and then cater ONLY to that. Whether it’s a list of 5 or 10 things, just make sure she makes it FINAL early on. It is such a tool to use in trying to avoid conflict about details that you should just be able to make your own.
This more or less worked for me. I still had to continually remind my mom what I was doing to cater to her priority list, but after we had that list, it cut down the conflict and my mom detached herself from anything NOT on the list. That gave me a lot more freedom and a LOT less negativity.
Post # 11
Thanks for all the suggestions! I have such a great fear of ruining my relationship with my mom… We had a major falling out when I was in college and I just don’t want to go through that again so I think I fear confrontation with her more than in a normal circumstance.
I like the idea of asking her what is really important. I think she gets so stuck because of how conservative she is. If this isn’t how she planned her own wedding, then she thinks we are doing something crazy and outrageous…
It comes from a strange path of weddings in her family. Her mom had her wedding planned FOR her, so her mom never stepped in to help my mom at all because having her wedding planned for her was such an awful experience… so my mom is trying to do what she wanted her mom to do for her wedding… But I think it might be back firing.
I just want to book our day (which she doens’t like our date choice…) and feel like this wedding is real, already. I think this is a huge hurtle to get over and I’m stressing out so much.
Post # 12
@KatieJean: You also need to decide how much it’s worth it to you to have Mom pay for the wedding. Speaking from experience, it could help out your relationship to tell her you just want her emotional support of your plans, not her financial support. Tell her you really want to do things the way you and FH want to do them, and you realize that’s not fair if she’s paying for all of it.
Originally DH’s parents were going to foot the bill for most of our wedding, but it was increasing stress and hostility between us, so we all sat down face-to-face and Darling Husband explained that we didn’t want the money. We paid for it ourselves and did everything we wanted to do, and it decreased the hostility and awkwardness between us and his parents. Our relationship has been improved a lot because we were able to truly feel like it was our wedding and our marriage, not his mother getting married again and having all the touches she wished she had done on her special day.
Just a suggestion. 🙂 I don’t know you or your mom, so obviously you will ultimately know what’s best and what makes the most sense for you.
Post # 13
*sigh* I told her we’d picked our day and were going to call the venue… and all she said was “ok”. Suddenly it wasn’t a big deal anymore.
I tell ya… I think this whole process is meant to drive us gals crazy.
Post # 14
The only real way to deal with this is to tell your Mom exactly what you told us.
To be honest, I’m terrified of showing my Mom anything I’ve been planning lately because it’s SO out of the box.
I hope it all works out for you.
Post # 15
I hope everything works out for you.
Post # 16
I think it might be hard for your mom to picture non traditional items because she has never seen them done correctly before. Maybe when you tell her something that you know she will frowny face at.. show her a picture of it done right. Sunflowers.. show her a pic with awesome sunflowers at a wedding etc.. I don’t think she is going to hate your wedding.. she is prob just having a hard time putting all of these unconventional ideas together on one board. Show her your inspiration pics and maybe she might sing a different tune. Also, find out what she thinks is the most important and (if you want).. try to accomodate her to a certain extent. She might just be reacting to ‘losing’ her daughter afterall