(Closed) Negative wedding comments – how to respond?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Just ignore it…don’t let it get to you.  In a conversations, just say “yea? i disagree. We are having….” 

It’s hard though. 

Post # 4
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

dont let it get to you. every element of a wedding is important. what works for you may not work for others. don’t stress it… just think of how beautiful your wedding will be!

Post # 5
2475 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you are overreacting.  I don’t really see anything wrong with those statements because I don’t feel like they are directed at attacking you or your personal choices for your wedding.  Obviously everyone has different priorities and opinions regarding these things.  

Also, I don’t think it’s fair to assume that these comments would be made simply because someone can’t afford those things for their wedding.  I’m not doing favors at my wedding, and it’s not because I can’t afford them. 

Post # 6
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I just respond with, “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. Oh well, hopefully people will like our favors/appreciate the DJ/like the food!”

There’s no point in trying to argue about it and change people’s minds, IMO. I just smile, say what I wrote above, and move to another topic. I have a coworker who basiclaly thinks that everything in a wedding is overrated–she did her own makeup, own hair, had no bridal party, bought her dress off ebay, etc. I just say things like, “wow, that must have made it so easy for you!” and then change the topic.

Post # 7
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I see your point and agree that too many comments about how food doesn’t matter give me a pang since it’s our one major splurge – but food was important to us and I hope it makes our guests happy and I just try to remember the reasons I made that decision to begin with.

However, the way you phrased your comment “I understand that people might not be able to afford favors…” makes it sound like the only reason people choose not to do certain things is because they can’t and money and that’s not true.  I really do think favors are a waste and not important so I’m cutting them not save a couple hundred bucks but because I refuse to do projects for the wedding that I don’t like/see the point of.  Does that mean that other brides choices to have favors are wrong?  No!  Absolutely not!  Just because it is a waste to me, for me, doesn’t mean it is a waste for everyone else.  It’s only my particular circumstances.

Similarly I can imagine many brides who wouldn’t want a DJ for various reasons and prefer and Ipod, that’s not me and it has no impact on my decisions to go with a DJ or a band.

I’ve heard that “People never remember X, Y, and Z they only remember A” phrase so many times since I’ve started wedding planning – always with different X Y Z and As!  It’s kind of hilarious…

Post # 8
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Every wedding is different..no one has the same wedding which I think is awesome~  People do make comments that may bother some people, but I just try and remember everyone prioritizes differntly.  Most brides have to cut costs somewhere so that may make them feel a certain way of certain aspects!  Just try not to let people get to you.  Although I totally get what your saying! 

Post # 9
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I tend to agree with Arachna. I think when people make those statements, they’re referring what what they think, and most sane people can understand that not everyone will agree, or that what they do themselves is what is right for everyone.

If they’re meant to be insulting or defensive, well, then I think you just have to let it slide. Or a simple, “Well, that’s what Fiance and I decided, and we’re very happy about it!” and then a change of subject should do the trick 🙂

But yeah, as Arachna said, not everyone doesn’t have favors because they cab’t afford it. I also fall into the category of “just didn’t want them” even though we could have easily fit them into the budget if we wanted. Every bride has priorities, and they’re always different.

Post # 11
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I hear this stuff a lot (mostly from my overbearing, overly opinionated Aunt).  Sometimes I can brush it off because I see that they mean no harm.  Other times, when it seems like its being said to offend me (basically this has only been from the Aunt), I say something kinda snarky.  Well, to me its snarky but I just bluntly say, “well, this is my wedding and its exactly what I want”.  We brides-to-be can’t let these dumb comments set us off though, we’ll lose it!

Post # 12
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Well I think in general it’s an opinion…one that you’d probably do best by just letting slide…because if you let it get to you, then people will probably say you are sensitive to what other people think.  I thought a lot of things about my own wedding and about the decisions people make regarding theirs…does it make my opinion right? nope…because it’s just that…an opinion.

Post # 13
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

There are right ways to say things and there are wrong ways to say things. Example:

“We’re not doing favors. I don’t think they are necessary and I’d rather spend the money on other stuff.” – Right.

“I don’t see why anyone would waste money on favors. We’re not doing them.” – Wrong.

When you phrase something and make it about YOUR choices, people can’t be (or shoudn’t be) offended by it. When you take the same statement and relate it to other people’s choices, then you run the risk of pissing people off or offending them in some way.

Post # 14
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I think you just have to let the remarks roll off your back.  Or figure out why they’re responding that way.  One of my friends had lots of negatives.  I had told her only my sister was going to be in my wedding party (I think she expected to be MOH) and that I was not inviting children (other than out-of-town cousins’ kids).  She has a 7 years old son who is quite close to me.  The negatives continued after I sent my Save-The-Date Cards (I included her parents).  The negatives finally ended when I told her I was going have her son as my ring bearer.  Funny how everything then became postive . . . even when I gave her the same details.

Post # 15
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think this is the kind of wording that is no fun to hear, but occurs very often in every day life. It’s part of our culture to tiptoe around certain things but not others, and spending/wedding planning are definitely “no tiptoe” subjects. 

I barely notice these things anymore because my smile and nod reaction is so rehearsed. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard similar things about my major, my career choice, my beliefs, how I voted, where I live, etc, etc, etc. 

It’d be nice if people would be more considerate, but I know I don’t watch my tongue as often as I should, either. Of course I rarely notice when I say something that offends someone until after the fact, and then I feel silly. So I try to give other people the same bit of wiggle room. 

Post # 16
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I try not to think about it, after all it’s OUR wedding! We can do what WE want. It’s all about you as a couple and there is no need to put down others who want different things than you and your FI!

1) “I’m not doing favors – they’re a waste of money since no one ever takes them.”

My response- We have so many out of town guests, I want everyone to feel appreciated for coming and want them to walk away with a small thank you gift. To us, it’s not a waste

2) “Why would you ever hire a DJ when you can get the same exact result for free with an iPod?”

My response- live music or a DJ are not the same as an iPod! The experience, the sound, the variety and flexibility are not there. If you cannot afford it, then that’s a different story. To each their own budget.

3) And, my biggest pet peeve so far: “Wedding food is never going to be great anyway, so why splurge on it? Guests don’t care anyway.”

My response- venue and food were the two biggest, most important wedding items for us (besides my dress of course!). If I am asking family and friends to fly in from all around the globe, the least I can do is feed them well 🙂 I want everyone to walk away thinking “how happy the couple was” and “what a great wedding it was,” and NOT ” what was up with the food?” or “why were the portions so small?”

Just my two cents, I get negative responses all the time about our choices.

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