Post # 1
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I’d love to get a little bit of advice, bees. We just had my bridal shower this past weekend and it was fine, although definitely stressful. My fiance’s family threw the shower and there was a lot of drama involved (they’re very controlling and believe there’s only one way to do everything). I made it through relatively unscathed, but there was one part of the shower that I just can’t seem to shake.
My fiance dropped into the shower at the end so that we could open gifts together, and I had no idea about the old tradition of breaking the ribbons on the packages being an indicator of how many kids you’ll have. They all know we intend to have kids so it was fine and my fiance was being really funny by breaking every little ribbon he could find, or breaking them into little pieces as a joke that we would have “a small army” of children. He was just being really silly about it and it was entertaining. But his whole family was…almost nasty about it? They kept saying things like “are you really gonna put her through all that?” or “I hope you’re prepared for the worst years of your life.” It started out as pretty harmless snark, but then they all sort of wheeled it into a more uncomfortable thing. There were at least 20 comments about how having kids is awful and “poor hickoryhills” and “you have no idea what you’re getting into.” It was such a weirdly intense reaction from that it completely smothered the fun and the lightheartedness of my fiance’s joke and the whole energy of the room changed. It was so bad that my Maid/Matron of Honor leaned over at one point and asked if I was ok, and started talking loudly about something else to turn it all around.
I already have a lot of anxiety about having kids so this was really difficult for me. I’m not scared of being pregnant or not sleeping or all the challenges of having children – I get it. I’m someone that believes that it’s definitely the hardest thing we’ll probably ever do, bits of it will be awful, sure – but I know that and I’m not blind to it. We’ll figure it out, we always do. What I AM horrified of is all the horror stories and people psychologically screwing with my head, and ramping up any anxiety I might already have once kids are on the way. It seems as though if I talk to anyone about future kids the immediate reaction is for them to tell me all the terrors of their life and how their pregnancy was hell and how my life is inevitably going to go down the tubes. I’m really at a loss with how to approach this with people because my emotional reaction is really visceral. I don’t have a problem drawing boundaries with people and have told several people something like, “hey, I’m really trying to stay positive about the future. I know it will be hard, obviously, but I’d really like to hear what you love about being a parent instead?” They all blow right by it and say something along the lines of “NO. You don’t understand. You have no idea what you’re in for.” When people stomp all over the boundaries I’m trying to politely put in place, my initial reaction is to get forceful with them which…doesn’t go over well. We’ve also tried just avoiding the topic, but there’s just so much unsolicited advice that sometimes it doesn’t work and I get really overwhelmed.
I don’t mind talking about future kids with people, it really doesn’t bother me. But I don’t know how to navigate this pervasive culture of really negative camaraderie between more experienced moms, and the desire to sort of beat down on women who want to have children. Did any of you experience this as well? How did you handle it? I’m working on trying to mitigate my own anxiety about it and learning to let it slide off me, but I’m not great at it yet. I’d love to have some more tools to have in my arsenal if you can give any.
Post # 2
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
hickoryhills : obviously we weren’t there, but I’m wondering if the comments were magnified in your mind because you already have anxiety about it? Your maid of honor could have seen how upset you were getting and reacted to you being upset and not to the comments being made
Again we weren’t there but it’s already an anxious topic for you and you say you have visceral reactions to things people say about having kids
The topic of kids was on full display and being joked about at your shower, it’s like your anxious thoughts were being bombarded
I would suggest to keep working through the anxiety and keep digging, find the route cause of your anxiety about having children. If you can put your finger on why you are so anxious about it, it can help you work through it. Then peoples negativity won’t bother you so much
People like to trade war stories and one up each other so it can seem like they have nothing but negative things to say
Post # 3
Member
747 posts
Busy bee
Consider the source. They are projecting onto to you their own experience—pretty common psychological phenomenon. I wouldn’t take it personally. If it comes up again, just keep changing the subject. If it’s an ongoing thing every time you visit these particular people, limit your time with them.
Post # 4
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Sansa85 : I agree that it does seem like I’m getting hammered with it and that’s built up a little bit by my anxiety. But there were several other people at the shower who were put off by the magnitude of the situation, and a few of my mom’s friends were like “wow…their poor kids.” My fiance even commented about it later and was like “what’s their deal?” So it was definitely noticed by other people.
I do also get that people love to trade war stories and that’s fine. But…why trade war stories with someone who hasn’t been to war yet? I guess that’s what I don’t get. There’s zero encouragement or happiness of any kind. If someone is about to do something life changing and already inherently a little scary, why would you try to convince them that it’s going to be even worse than they can imagine? That’s the part I don’t get. It just seems so tonedeaf and cruel to do.
Post # 5
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
hickoryhills : It sounds like you already have quite a realistic view on that having kids will be a challenge… However, I highly recommend you surround yourself with people who still want to have kids and go through pregnancy, whether they have kids already or not. My birth group on here is the realest set of people I’ve ever met. And even though we talk about how insane our kids are, we still adore them and most of us want more. Ignore all the people who are done having kids, because they’ve created a solid reason why they are absolutely done.
Post # 6
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
SeaOfLove : That’s actually a really helpful perspective and not one I’d considered before. It does always seem to come from people who are done having kids. The ones who are actively still growing their families or want kids in the future seem to be super normal to talk about it with. We talk about all the awful stuff that comes with kids, but it’s very realistic and just sort of a “yup, this is what it is” kind of thing, rather than a bunch of condescension and bad memories projected onto others. Thank you for pointing that out, that’s definitely something that I’ll focus on.
Post # 7
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
hickoryhills : it’s definitely tone deaf, I don’t think it’s done to purposefully be cruel.
People just have a way of doing that, like “oh you want to do THIS?? Well let me tell you something about it and how awful I’ve had it and blah blah blah blah”. One person does it and then other people jump in
It’s pretty negative to be around
When they do that, ask them if they have positives to say. Tell them that you already know it’s not going to be a walk in the park and that it sounds like they’ve had it really bad, what are the positives in their lives as a parent?
Basically call them out on it. Subtly point out that you haven’t heard one positive thing from them and maybe it will get them to stop.
That would be on a small scale though, I would be at a loss facing a group of people like you did.
My guess is they were feeding off of each other
Post # 8
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
FWIW, having kids has been great! It hasn’t been horrible at all. My life wasn’t wrecked. My marriage didn’t suffer. It’s genuinely fun. There will always be something to make you tired or stressed – kids are a really rewarding source of tiredness and stress because they pay it back in all kinds of positive ways. I got really tired of being told that I just didn’t get it and had no idea. Some people have hard experiences parenting, but it doesn’t have to be the case for everyone. You know yourself best. Would you take advice from these people about other things on which you were the expert and they were not? You’re the expert on yourself, your partnership, and what you can and cannot handle. Hit a hard ignore when others start telling you what your experience will be. They are NOT the experts.
Post # 9
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
throughthelookingglass87 : Thank you for sharing that! I think a lot of my distress about it does come from the constant assumption that I’m just some kind of moron who’s walking into a burning building with no idea about fire. Like…I’m 32. I’ve been around long enough to have at least some idea, lol. It’s really wonderful to hear your perspective – I really appreciate it. My fiance is sitting right here and I showed him what you said, and he goes “See! It’s gonna be hard, but it’s also gonna be great.” 🙂
Post # 10
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
I agree with everyone else. As someone who is about to have a third baby, and is in the throws of dealing with a “three-nager” and a clingy teething 1 year old- it’s tough to be in love with parenting all the time. But- I’d be lying to you if I said it also wasn’t amazing and wonderful too.
I have found that people love to tell war stories (especially birth stories), it’s maybe part cathartic, and part self servicing but it happens. Same for parenting woes- it’s a little about commiseration and just venting. That said, it sounds like your fiancé’s family are- ahem, a little over the top- so don’t let them get to you. I don’t regret being a parent, the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing- it’s all been worth it. You’ll do just fine- I have no doubt! Congratulations on the wedding!
Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
We can turn this thread into the positives of parenting, you already know it’s not easy. You have to put someone else’s needs before your own every single day. With the exception of self care of course. You NEED to care for yourself. You already know it’s going to be hard.
I have a masters degree, I’m in a job where I see myself retiring, I own my own home, I have a good grip on my anxiety and my daughter is STILL the absolute best thing I have ever done with my life. Hands down. Some people can feel like they’ve lost their identity in becoming a mother, and that happens, people go through that. It doesn’t make them bad parents. Parenting is different for EVERYONE.
It amuses me because I will cut her hair or get her clothes ready for the following day and I have to actually remind myself that it wasn’t ME who got a hair cut or got my clothes ready. It’s a weird bond that I have with her that I’m sure just comes with being her mom, if she’s ok, I’m ok.
We are going to ttc for number two in August, so I wonder if pp is spot on about the negativity coming from parents who have completed their families
Post # 12
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
I’ve had the same struggles, and same anxieties. I grew up in a family where my parents loved being parents…we spent a ton of time together (military family), and I had a really idyllic childhood. My parents both maintain that parenting (even with three kids, one of whom had some special needs) wasn’t hard-or rather, any harder than life is in general. I think that parents often forget that life is a crapshoot, and it’s hard no matter which path you pick…even those who never have kids will deal with hardships (loneliness, loss of family, job worries, health worries, etc). Life is hard, full stop, but focusing on the negative seems like an awful way to live.
Anyhow, it seems like half of my peers genuinely hate being parents, and make it their life’s mission to tell everyone they know. I’m all for de-glamorizing life (Instagram paints an unrealistic picture), but like you said, it gets nasty. This is why it’s so important to make being childfree a more acceptable/valid life option…not everyone should have kids, and that’s okay. There’s still very much a societal pressure to have them.
I’ve reached a point where I manage to ignore most of the negativity, and I’m genuinely excited to have kids when the time is right. I don’t delude myself into thinking it’s possible to truly prepare, but I focus on the people in my life who focus on the positive, and it helps a lot. I’m sure there will be brutally hard days, but to be frank, that’s life, and would be true with or without kids.
Post # 13
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
hickoryhills : I don’t interpret it as an effort to beat down other women. It IS so hard at the beginning and many women feel that they weren’t adequately prepared for just how relentless the newborn life is and I think they feel duty bound to try and warn other moms so that they avoid their experience. The thing is though that nothing can really prepare you so it’s not a useful exercise!
Being a mom is my favorite thing. My daughter is 2 and she’s just such a cool tiny human. She makes me laugh, she loves to be helpful, and experiencing the world through her eyes is really fascinating. Yea so she threw a tantrum the other day because she was overtired and cranky. It doesn’t negate the fact that we had an awesome day getting her overtired lol.
Post # 14
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
hickoryhills : We have three pregnant employees at work right now, and all three seem miserable with the symptoms that go along with the trimesters of pregnancy. Two of the girls have kids already, and are already talking about how they each want one more after this. Never do you hear a woman say, “I loved being pregnant!” Obviously the pregnancy is well worth the reward.
Ignore the in-laws. I really hope not, but maybe they’re playing to your anxiety. Keep converation with only those who are supportive. Change the subject with those who are not.
Post # 15
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
bearinabeecostume : I mean – I loved being pregnant lol. I had a really easy pregnancy and a fast easy natural delivery. I told everyone that I’m not scared to give birth again – I’m scared of the newborn stage lol. Everyone is different!