Negativity about kids?

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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hickoryhills :  obviously we weren’t there, but I’m wondering if the comments were magnified in your mind because you already have anxiety about it? Your maid of honor could have seen how upset you were getting and reacted to you being upset and not to the comments being made

Again we weren’t there but it’s already an anxious topic for you and you say you have visceral reactions to things people say about having kids

The topic of kids was on full display and being joked about at your shower, it’s like your anxious thoughts were being bombarded

I would suggest to keep working through the anxiety and keep digging, find the route cause of your anxiety about having children. If you can put your finger on why you are so anxious about it, it can help you work through it. Then peoples negativity won’t bother you so much

People like to trade war stories and one up each other so it can seem like they have nothing but negative things to say

Post # 3
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

Consider the source. They are projecting onto to you their own experience—pretty common psychological phenomenon. I wouldn’t take it personally. If it comes up again, just keep changing the subject. If it’s an ongoing thing every time you visit these particular people, limit your time with them. 

Post # 5
Member
7150 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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hickoryhills :  It sounds like you already have quite a realistic view on that having kids will be a challenge… However, I highly recommend you surround yourself with people who still want to have kids and go through pregnancy, whether they have kids already or not.  My birth group on here is the realest set of people I’ve ever met.  And even though we talk about how insane our kids are, we still adore them and most of us want more.  Ignore all the people who are done having kids, because they’ve created a solid reason why they are absolutely done.

Post # 7
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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hickoryhills :  it’s definitely tone deaf, I don’t think it’s done to purposefully be cruel.

People just have a way of doing that, like “oh you want to do THIS?? Well let me tell you something about it and how awful I’ve had it and blah blah blah blah”. One person does it and then other people jump in

It’s pretty negative to be around

When they do that, ask them if they have positives to say. Tell them that you already know it’s not going to be a walk in the park and that it sounds like they’ve had it really bad, what are the positives in their lives as a parent?

Basically call them out on it. Subtly point out that you haven’t heard one positive thing from them and maybe it will get them to stop.

That would be on a small scale though, I would be at a loss facing a group of people like you did.

My guess is they were feeding off of each other 

Post # 8
Member
746 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

FWIW, having kids has been great! It hasn’t been horrible at all. My life wasn’t wrecked. My marriage didn’t suffer. It’s genuinely fun. There will always be something to make you tired or stressed – kids are a really rewarding source of tiredness and stress because they pay it back in all kinds of positive ways. I got really tired of being told that I just didn’t get it and had no idea. Some people have hard experiences parenting, but it doesn’t have to be the case for everyone. You know yourself best. Would you take advice from these people about other things on which you were the expert and they were not? You’re the expert on yourself, your partnership, and what you can and cannot handle. Hit a hard ignore when others start telling you what your experience will be. They are NOT the experts.

Post # 10
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I agree with everyone else. As someone who is about to have a third baby, and is in the throws of dealing with a “three-nager” and a clingy teething 1 year old- it’s tough to be in love with parenting all the time. But- I’d be lying to you if I said it also wasn’t amazing and wonderful too. 

I have found that people love to tell war stories (especially birth stories), it’s maybe part cathartic, and part self servicing but it happens. Same for parenting woes- it’s a little about commiseration and just venting. That said, it sounds like your fiancé’s family are- ahem, a little over the top- so don’t let them get to you. I don’t regret being a parent, the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing- it’s all been worth it. You’ll do just fine- I have no doubt! Congratulations on the wedding! 

Post # 11
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

We can turn this thread into the positives of parenting, you already know it’s not easy. You have to put someone else’s needs before your own every single day. With the exception of self care of course. You NEED to care for yourself. You already know it’s going to be hard.

I have a masters degree, I’m in a job where I see myself retiring, I own my own home, I have a good grip on my anxiety and my daughter is STILL the absolute best thing I have ever done with my life. Hands down. Some people can feel like they’ve lost their identity in becoming a mother, and that happens, people go through that. It doesn’t make them bad parents. Parenting is different for EVERYONE.

It amuses me because I will cut her hair or get her clothes ready for the following day and I have to actually remind myself that it wasn’t ME who got a hair cut or got my clothes ready. It’s a weird bond that I have with her that I’m sure just comes with being her mom, if she’s ok, I’m ok.

We are going to ttc for number two in August, so I wonder if pp is spot on about the negativity coming from parents who have completed their families

Post # 12
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I’ve had the same struggles, and same anxieties. I grew up in a family where my parents loved being parents…we spent a ton of time together (military family), and I had a really idyllic childhood. My parents both maintain that parenting (even with three kids, one of whom had some special needs) wasn’t hard-or rather, any harder than life is in general. I think that parents often forget that life is a crapshoot, and it’s hard no matter which path you pick…even those who never have kids will deal with hardships (loneliness, loss of family, job worries, health worries, etc). Life is hard, full stop, but focusing on the negative seems like an awful way to live. 

Anyhow, it seems like half of my peers genuinely hate being parents, and make it their life’s mission to tell everyone they know. I’m all for de-glamorizing life (Instagram paints an unrealistic picture), but like you said, it gets nasty. This is why it’s so important to make being childfree a more acceptable/valid life option…not everyone should have kids, and that’s okay. There’s still very much a societal pressure to have them. 

I’ve reached a point where I manage to ignore most of the negativity, and I’m genuinely excited to have kids when the time is right. I don’t delude myself into thinking it’s possible to truly prepare, but I focus on the people in my life who focus on the positive, and it helps a lot. I’m sure there will be brutally hard days, but to be frank, that’s life, and would be true with or without kids. 

Post # 13
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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hickoryhills :  I don’t interpret it as an effort to beat down other women. It IS so hard at the beginning and many women feel that they weren’t adequately prepared for just how relentless the newborn life is and I think they feel duty bound to try and warn other moms so that they avoid their experience. The thing is though that nothing can really prepare you so it’s not a useful exercise!

Being a mom is my favorite thing. My daughter is 2 and she’s just such a cool tiny human. She makes me laugh, she loves to be helpful, and experiencing the world through her eyes is really fascinating. Yea so she threw a tantrum the other day because she was overtired and cranky. It doesn’t negate the fact that we had an awesome day getting her overtired lol. 

Post # 14
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

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hickoryhills :  We have three pregnant employees at work right now, and all three seem miserable with the symptoms that go along with the trimesters of pregnancy. Two of the girls have kids already, and are already talking about how they each want one more after this. Never do you hear a woman say, “I loved being pregnant!” Obviously the pregnancy is well worth the reward. 

Ignore the in-laws. I really hope not, but maybe they’re playing to your anxiety. Keep converation with only those who are supportive. Change the subject with those who are not. 

Post # 15
Member
9231 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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bearinabeecostume :  I mean – I loved being pregnant lol. I had a really easy pregnancy and a fast easy natural delivery. I told everyone that I’m not scared to give birth again – I’m scared of the newborn stage lol. Everyone is different! 

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