Post # 1
Why is it when you tell people you are getting married.. everyone seems so negative about marriage! Of course close friends and family are always overjoyed and express their happiness to us.. but it never fails that when my Fiance or I talk about getting married there are those people that say "well, life as you know it is over" "you still have time to run""time for the ball and chain""what the heck are you thinking" "are you sure you are ready to give your life up" and so on. My Fiance and I had this conversation last night.. and I had never really thought about it before.. but he said he gets this reaction ALOT from other guys.
My Fiance and I have been living together for 2 years now.. so really, how much is going to change? Am I suddenly going to start controlling his every move and nagging everything he says and does?? lol I dont think so.
I also dont understand the people that have the "divorce is no big deal" attitude. Last night in the sauna, I overheard a guy talking and he literally said "everyone is allowed 1 divorce… just as a lesson learner". Does marriage really mean that little these days? Why cant working through a problem be a lesson learner.. wouldnt you learn a bigger lesson by working through it rather then just running from it???
I would like to think it would take the earth ending for me to ever agree to divorce. I truly believe EVERYTHING (except abuse and infidelity) can be worked through… it makes me sad that so few people think like that these days.
Well.. just had to get that off my chest. =)
Post # 3
Lil- I’ve heard a fair amount of that too. It doesn’t help that i have a friend who just went through a nasty divorce. There is no end to the "Why would you do this to yourself?"
My response really depends on the person saying the negative comment. To some people I say, "It’s a shame that you feel that way." or "Every relationship is different." and with some people I simply hold my tongue. It is just not worth it.
I think those attitudes reflect some individuals’ desire to not only be miserable, but to have everyone around them feel the same way.
Focus on the fact that the people around you are happy for you… let the rest fall away, and vent here if you need to 😉
Post # 4
I think in situations like this, a stunned silence, a few blinks, and then "Excuse me?" is appropriate.
Post # 5
Yeah, my Fi has gotten a TON of those comments from our male co-workers. It seems like most of the comments toward the bride have to do with questions about the wedding preparations, bridal showers, etc… And most of the wedding comments toward the groom are along the lines of "I’ll have a car running out front of the church for you." I just try to not let these things bother me. I think of it almost like a "right of passage" thing: They were probably told these comments before they got married, and they think it’s traditional to tease the groom before the big day. I don’t truly believe any of the comments my Fi has received (besides the things one bitter divorcee said) are really meant to be taken to heart.
If negative comments about marriage directed toward you or your Fi bother you, you should stand up for yourself and tell these people that it’s inappropriate and rude. Otherwise, I think doctorgirl had good advice about focusing on you two instead of what others think. Plus, I’ve found it kinda feels good to just laugh at people when they tell you "It’s not a marriage license; it’s a hate certificate."
Post # 6
We get comments about how we’re so young (we’re both 24 and have been dating for almost 5 years). It’s not from my parents- but HIS parents!!
Other people have said things (coworkers, friends, whatever). Usually we just stare at them, and say, "Well it’s a good thing YOU’RE not getting married." That usually shuts them up.
Post # 7
I know how you feel….He gets alot of this especially I guess isnce he has already went through a divorce, but WE have committed tot rying our best to make it work…We started out strong..there isnt anything he doesnt know or that i dont know….We’ve had background checks, and pulled crdit ratings, done the premarital couseling and are even thinking about continueing it throughtout the marriage….
I think its one of htose things that one BAD apple does not spoil the bunch. He and I both realize this and are HAPPY in what we have built together….To everyone one else witht the negative we just let them know they really dont have to participate if they feel that cause WE dont wann hear it or be around it or have our children around that
Post # 8
I think people sometimes really don’t understand marriage or have pre-conceived ideas of it. A friend of mine told me that before he met his wife (now of 10 years) he really didn’t believe in marriage at all…and his friends felt similarly. He said he was really nervous when he told his best friend, but in the end everyone is supportive. I think people who are jaded by divorce or who’ve never met someone they could imagine spending their life with just don’t get it…and for whatever reasons (cultural or biological, not gonna broach that) men are more likely to feel that way. But it is frustrating…luckily, I guess, I’m one of the few unmarried people at work so everyone there is really supportive. And my friends have all been sure we’d get married after like 3 mos and still don’t really understand why I dragged my feet for 3 years, so I guess I haven’t experienced these reactions so much…
Getting married is a brave thing to do, imho, and I’m so glad you all aren’t allowing other people’s negative reactions to really seep in.
Post # 9
MissStellar’s "Well it’s a good thing YOU’RE not getting married." <— hehehe love it, i hate it when the guys always tell my fiance…"oh you got engaged? well life is over for you" if that’s the case, uhm they’re 8.5 years too late…
Post # 10
I’ve had newly-but-I-guess-unhappily-married friends say to me, "Trust me, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Feel lucky that you’re still single." It’s so hurtful and poisonous because my boyfriend and I have such a warm and loving relationship and I fear my friends may be jealous. One time, I literally had to leave the room because the things she was saying was just so upsetting.
Post # 11
Some people are funny when they hear about an upcoming marriage. Rather than thinking "This person is getting married, I should be happy for them" they begin imagining what it would feel like if THEY were the ones getting married.
A coworker of mine literally freaked out when he heard another male coworker was engaged. He honestly took it really hard! While everyone else was congratulatory, this guy kept making statements like, "You’re engaged?? Why would you do something like that?? Dude, I am NEVER getting married!" It was actually laughable because it was so over-the-top.
I don’t know why people project themselves into the situation when it really has nothing to do with them. If they can’t say something kind and supportive then I’d prefer they not say anything at all!