(Closed) Neighborhood Shower – Mother of bride was not invited

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What should we do?
    Don't change a thing. It is your choice whom you invite and the MIL needs to respect your choice. : (21 votes)
    84 %
    Invite the MIL : (4 votes)
    16 %
    Cancel the Wedding : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    1018 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Will there be another shower? Maybe your fiance could explain to her mother that this is more about getting to know the neighbors, and she was hoping they could plan another shower for family and close friends. There is no guarantee that this will cure her hurt feelings, but perhaps she will be more forgiving if she knows she is not being entirely left out.

    Post # 4
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Oh my goodness. She can’t handle being left out of one shower? I think you guys should stick to your guns and let her get over it. She needs to put on her big girl panties and realize that she doesn’t need to be involved in every single aspect of her daughter’s planning process. If you give in to this, you’re just reinforcing her own impolite behavior.

    If you’ve explained to her that it’s a neighborhood get together, not really a real "shower," and she is still being irrational about it, then it sounds like you’ve done all you can. Just be there to support your fiance (which it sounds like you’re doing!) and reassure her that she’s not doing anything wrong by choosing to have a friends/neighbors-only event. My guess is that her mom will get over it as soon as the event is over (and probably find something else to nag about.) 

    Post # 5
    2204 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I’m not sure what you necessarily can do about this.  Your fiancee has every right not invite her mother to this shower, or ask to have her invited.  Your Mother-In-Law is actiing out of control by asking her friends whether or not this was an appropriate move and then using it to make your fiancee feel guilty.

    I think the only thing to do would be to have your wife respectfully ask her mother to let this issue go, and then to just move forward.  She will get over it at some point.  I would also stop referring to it as a "shower", since it seems like more of a neighborhood party than a shower and it may help the situation.

    There may be underlying issues here as well, so it would be a good idea for your fiancee to spend some extra quality time with her mom to assuage any other fears, help her feel less left out, or cope with sadness that he daughter is getting married.

    Post # 6
    2819 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    @missrain: He said that there were a bunch of other showers, and that the Mother-In-Law was invited to all of them save the neighbourhood one. =)

    Wow. Umm…personally, I would let your fiance know to stick to her guns. If worse comes to worse, stop referring to it as a "shower" and start calling it the "neighbourhood get-together". Sure, it may be a little weird that the MOB isn’t invited to a shower…but it’s not a breach of etiquette. It’s the bride’s decision who to invite, and really, in this case, I think it’s a really good idea for her to bring just one family member (and personally, I think inviting her sister was a better decision — especially after getting wind of the "controlling" vibe from her mom!).

    Post # 7
    1363 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Most of what I would say has been said by PPs, I just wanted to chime in and say I think it’s awesome you included a "cancel the wedding" option.  Good luck with Future Mother-In-Law, she sounds like a handful, but don’t let her ruin this opportunity to celebrate with your neighbors!

    Post # 8
    445 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2007

    I would agree to stop calling it a shower. If it’s just a "meet the neighbors" kind of thing, play it off that way. Are they all bringing her gifts? Even if they are, just play it off as if it’s not a shower. I know it’s a little late to do that now, but it might help.

    Post # 9
    7173 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    Kudos to you for supporting your Fi through this.  She MUST stick up for herself and not back down.  FMIL is being unreasonable.  No means no – and she’s trying to break your Fi.  This is time for her to take a stand.  It will sent a precedence for the future (in what your word really means).

    You may encourage your Fi to talk to her mom about why she’s so upset about it.  Does she think she’s being left out because of x, y, and z?  If your Future Mother-In-Law is making such a big deal about it, there has to be some other underlining issues involved.  Perhaps if your Fi can assuage those sentiments with her mother, it will allow the drama to lessen.

    But, PLEASE, encourage her to stand her ground!!! 

    Post # 11
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Well, it’s important to have good relationships with family, but you can’t let them walk all over you and get their way with YOUR life all the time. As far as the mom attending the boat shower, I would be firm and just refuse to talk to her about it. The people throwing the shower get to decide who is invited and her mom has to respect that.

    As far as the sister asking for payment, you should tell her you thought this was a wedding gift and she should have told you ahead of time she wanted money for her services. Tell her to stop coming over to ‘help out’ or work and that it’s not in your budget to pay someone to do these things.

    Post # 12
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m so sorry for you both.  Wow.  So did you pay the sister?  Or is she miffed?  That’s really strange.

    Sometimes I think it’s best to relax a bit and try to be kind, but clear on telling someone how you feel.  Sometimes I think after arguing and fighting, people think the other person understands their position quite well.  But in reality all the anger and arguing clouds everyone’s judgment.  Maybe this whole shower thing is a front for what’s really going on.  (Oh I don’t know, real insecurity on the part of your Mother-In-Law because one daughter died.) No it’s not healthy for her to try to control your Fiance, but I don’t think there’s anything worse than losing a child.  And she is probably pretty messed up worried that she could lose another child at any point.  After all it happened once.

    Of course it’s difficult if she has issues going to counseling.  Can they go to counseling, not about your Fi standing her ground, but simply for dealing with the loss of the other daughter?  Can your Fiance try talking to her and say someting like, "Mom, we really need to meet these neighbors.  It will help make living in our neighborhood such a better experience.  It makes it harder to do if your there.  No one means to exclude you.  It’s just going to be us hanging out.  Even the husbands are going.  Yeah they’ll probably give us a couple of gifts, but really I think it’s going to be mostly beer and  Trivial Pursuit (or something else she finds unappealing.)  And I wouldn’t get to spend that much time with you.  I’d rather just spend time with you on our own.   Would you like to go to lunch next week instead?"

    I don’t know if that helps.  Good luck.

    Post # 13
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    What a rough situation!  Your FI’s mom is definitely acting crazy.  I mean, what does she expect?  That now she’ll be rewarded for all of this nasty behavior by being invited?  I don’t understand why people act like this.

    I think that what Tanya recommended to say to her is great – just de-emphasize it as a wedding event and make sure that she knows the priority for the two of you is getting to know your new neighbors.  If she can’t respect that, just let her fume on her own.  Don’t let her get to you guys.  Hopefully by the time your wedding day comes around she’ll be able to stop acting like a child and support you and her daughter!  Good luck with this.

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