- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I think your neighbors were just doing what they thought was right….if more people did what they did, then I’m sure many lives would be saved! Clearly in your situation it was a big extreme….but I guess you guys have great motivation to try not to yell.
And I would argue it’s healthy to yell and get everything out sometimes. We do too.
Story of my life….well sorta. DH and I have had some pretty good arguements, but they only last maybe 10 minutes. We have 1 neighbor who thinks it’s her moral obligation to get involved in everyone’s business reguardless if they’re fighting. We’ve had the cops called on us once and another time it was completely in the middle of the night and we were both sound asleep. Times like that I HATE living in an apartment….but it’s a roof over our head. I feel your pain. Try and keep your chin up.
Glad to read here that yelling ONCE (ever) is normal and sometimes good, calm, rational people lose their cool and scream it out. And you can take it as a wake up call or a sign that you need to work on communication, rather than just saying, oh no we yelled at each other, obviously we need to end our relationship. Even if two people aren’t really “yellers” (a good thing!), sometimes our emotions get the best of us and you end up shouting to high heaven. It’s obviously unhealthy and something to avoid but “it happens” as they say.
@beelady2: I know this is an old post but just wanted to say I sympathize and hope your personal situation has gotten better in the interim since your original post! I also want to volunteer that DH and I are also yellers — we don’t fight frequently but it gets bad when we do. We are extremely aware that it is not healthy and counterproductive and are working on developing better ways of disagreeing. That being said, we also had a recent incident where things got out of hand with yelling and crying and a neighbor called the cops on us. We were fighting during normal daylight hours. I was embarassed and also angry at the neighbor, because she obviously did not call the police out of concern but out of spite. She first pounded on the ceiling — since I was already angry because we were fighting, I pounded right back on the floor (yeah, real mature, I know — but I was mad). We did lower our voices to moderate volumes; however, she then came up and pounded on our door. I didn’t answer because we were still in the middle of our own argument, and I felt annoyed she would insert herself into our argument. I didn’t trust myself to not scream at her as well. I felt bad she had to overhear the whole thing, but thought she could have tactfully saved the neighborly heart-to-heart for when things had calmed down. She classily screamed “Shut the f*** up” before going home. This, coming from the same neighbor whose loud parties, techno music and late night, loud drunken hallway conversations we have tolerated without a peep, accepting them as inconveniences of apartment life.
About 10 minutes later (by this time, things were super quiet on our end), we again heard pounding on our door, with a booming declaration of “POLICE!”. Things went down much as you described in your original post, except that I had to also endure a lengthy ‘counseling’ session from the cop about how we shouldn’t yell and how we needed to go to therapy. Then he talked about all the strategies he uses with his own wife and how we should apply them to our relationship. WTF? I realize we need to work on our issues…but it felt annoyingly patronizing all the same. I know his heart was in the right place…but I still didn’t appreciate the unsolicited marriage counseling from an underqualified stranger. Oh, and then he suggested I apologize to the neighbor with a bottle of wine. The apology might have been in order BEFORE she called the cops — but knowing that she called the cops purely out of spite rather than out of concern irks me to no end. I know it’s not mature, but I just can’t make nice for this one.
So — beelady2, you are not the only yeller and you are not the only yeller who otherwise considers herself a normal, functional and even nice human being who has embarrassingly had the cops called on her…
As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I really wish the police had been called on my ex-boyfriend and I. I was too scared to go to the police at the time but I think if someone had actually asked me if I was OK, I would have confessed to it.
It’s a good sign that you have neighbours willing to look out for you! Don’t worry about them taking your info. It’s very surprising though that they said your DH doesn’t look like the ‘abusive type’ – like, what is the abusive type exactly? I heard the same thing about my ex-BF and he was the most cruel person I’ve ever met.
To the OP: When I was younger my mother and father argued, and my mother was often the victim of domestic violence, and the neighbors never once called the police. In NY, some people can be so uninvolved but I always wished those neighbors would have been. My mother didn’t stand for this, and was finally able to get us out of that situation, and my father and her are since divorced.
There’s instances of nosey neighbors, who need to mind their own buisness–but this is not one of those instances. Your neighbors did the correct thing, in watching out for your saftey and well being–so take it with a grain of salt.
As far as the police are concerned, yes, your embarrised–but they deal with this, and so much worse everyday. Responding to domestic violence calls for cops is as common as a nurse taking glucose readings on patients. (It’s not justifiable, I’m just illistrating that it happens all the time.) The reason they took your ID, is because their following standard protocol–they were called to your home, and responded, therefore a police report was filed, and you have the right to obtain a copy of it. This way, theres a record of the event, if ever they had to come back out again.
Don’t worry–just take it as a learning curve, and work on more effective communication skills–in talking things out, instead of having screaming matches.
ETA: I don’t know what state your in, but in Jersey, the law is when police are called to a home for DV or possible DV, someone is automatically arrested based on that pretense. Scary right?
Your neighbours obviously did it because they were worried and care for you. It’s good to know that if something goes wrong and you need help they will help you. And while it was a bit extreme, if I’d overheard you going ‘ow’ in an argument I’d have been hammering your door down, scared something had happened.
Right now, until Danny finishes school, there’s really no light at the end of the tunnel for us because I’m likely just going to get sicker and sicker. But we try to focus on the good things we have, which is another thing I suggest doing when you feel as though things are starting to get out of hand.
I guess just come away from this a wiser person, which is what it seems like you’re doing. ^_^
Um, guys…this is a super old post…I started reading it and was like ‘wait…this is familiar.’ I remember when it was originally put up, but I really don’t think the OP is around anymore to read your advice. Just thought I’d let you guys know so no one else spends a bunch of time typing up a response to someone who will never see it!
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