Post # 1
how do you go about telling someone something when you know they’re going to have a bad reaction? I’m getting ready to tell my best friend I’m pregnant and I know she’s not going to handle the news well. She doesn’t get excited, ask questions, offer congratulations. She just tends to talk about and focus on how these things are going to affect her. She really struggles with news that has the potential to change friendship dynamics. Do i just rip the band aid off? Hope she has an okay reaction? I’m actually pretty nervous.
ETA: another bee asked is there a reason she reacts like this. She’s CFBC and really struggles to understand that people out there actually WANT children.
Post # 2
I’m sorry she is like this. At least you know what to expect! I would just rip the Bandaid off and tell her. Just prepare yourself beforehand knowing she will likely be a jerk/uncaring about it.
I would even consider telling her through text message so you can choose to ignore her messages if needed.
Post # 3
tulipdazey : I’m seeing her later today. She’s coming over for dinner and I was planning on telling her. I’m fully prepared for her initial questions to be “So how much less time are you gonna have for me now?” And “Does that mean we won’t be able to do XYZ anymore?”
She’s just my best friend and I’d by lying if I said I wasn’t longing for a more supportive reaction. I don’t need jumping out of your chair with excitement. Just something other than how it’s going to affect you.
Post # 4
Is getting pregnant a delicate or painful topic for her or is she generally sour on any happy news you have to share? Your post seems to suggest her focusing only on the impact on herself is a pretty typical response.
If this news will be hard for her to hear because she has miscarried or is TTC, I would tell her as soon as possible so she doesn’t hear your news from someone else first because you’ve hesitated to tell her. Be as compassionate as possible in realizing that she may be genuinely happy for you but that this news may also bring up her own grief or worry or sadness.
If however this is simply a typical reaction from her, I would be questioning how good of a friend she really is. True friends are there for us when we’re down, but they’re also happy for us when things are good. A friend who can only see how something affects her without being happy for you is a very selfish person in general and a pretty crappy friend.
Post # 5
crustyoldbee : She’s anti marriage and CFBC, so when friends get married or have kids she kind of just sits there in disgust and makes comments like “How could they ruin their life like that?” And “Guess we’re not going out to bars anymore”.
She also struggles with understanding that people WANT kids and WANT families. She doesn’t and gets very caught up on people willlingly signing up for “shit and vomit fests” as she’s put it in the past.
Post # 7
SeaOfLove : and I think she’s well aware of that which is here her reaction comes from.
Post # 8
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Have you ever tried telling people what YOU want or need from them when sharing your personal news? I would say something like “I’m happy about my news and I would like for you to focus on MY happiness about MY news rather than how it hypothetically impacts you.”
I’ve had to do this with my husband when he wants to start giving advice on how I should fix a situation I’m navigating. When I tell him “I just want your support, not suggestions for what action I should take next.” then he’s able to focus on listening.
I have several wonderful friends who are CFBC who have openly stated that they do not want children because they want to be able to be selfish and do whatever they want to do and they still manage to not be so completely self absorbed as to shit on someone else’s happy news and make it all about themselves. Your friend’s behavior is very poor form and I wouldn’t be surprised if her utter self absorption has as much to do with people cutting back on hanging out with her as whatever new circumstances they are navigating.
Post # 9
Tell her like you’d tell anyone else. If she’s rude enough to say any of the things you think she may say, I’d tell her that you don’t appreciate the negative comments, that you support her choices and expect her to support yours or at least be polite about it.
Post # 10
codepurple89 : she sounds like a miserable and self-centered friend. She probably thinks people with kids don’t have time for her anymore because….no one wants to make time for a friend who isn’t happy for them! It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. I work full time and have a toddler, dog, husband, and house to take care of. Life is busy. But I make time for the friends that mean the most to me! But I don’t make time for people who are bitter about how my life has changed.
Post # 11
I’m hoping your friend will surprise you with her reaction. I’d rip the bandaid off and just tell her the same way you would any other person in your life: “I have some exciting news – I’m pregnant!” and go from there. I like Twilightrarity’s advice…if she starts getting all negative and making it about her, I’d cut her off and say that honestly you just need her to be supportive right now and that if she’s not up for that, perhaps it’s better if you go your separate ways and meet up some point later once she’s digested the news.
In general though, being CFBC is no excuse to react so selfishly to a close friend’s big news. Just like having children is not an excuse to stop being there for your childless/childfree friends during their major life milestones.
Post # 12
Honestly with how her attitude sounds, it seems like your friendship will definitely change with a baby around. Is she self-centered with everything or just when topics like marriage and babies are present? How far are you along? If you just found out, maybe you should wait until your second trimester to tell her.
Post # 13
I think you might just be careful to phrase the news in a way that makes it clear that you are excited and want zero negativity from her in regards to your news.
” I have some news to share with you and I am very excited about it and happy. I need you to be happy for me and I am not interested in any negative reactions to this or any responses that aren’t positive. As my friend I expect you to respect my choices and be happy for me even if you would make different choices. I am pregnant and super excited to share that news with you.”
If you feel she won’t be able to help interrupt you before you get through saying all that then tell her you don’t want her to interrupt until your done talking. Say that quickly so she can’t interrupt.
It is 100% appropriate to make it very clear with her from the start that you have zero tollerance for her being rude, mean, or negative about your life choices this being one of them. No one deserves to have a friend who ruins their big life moments. It is important that you make it very clear to her what your expectations are. Once you tell her the news you will probably have to review your boundaries with her again.
– I expect you to never behave negatively towards my child or my joy about having a child.
– I dont want to hear any negative comments about having kids, or your opinion on how awful children are, having children is etc.
– Any negative comments made will be detrimental to our relationship. If they keep happening our relationship might have to end.
– I don’t want any guilt trips from you, or any mean comments said to me when I can’t keep on with the lifestyle I had before children.
In all honesty bee, friendships end when one person has kids simply because the person with a kid usually gets too busy to go out as much, and the other person feels resentment if they aren’t in the same life space as you are. But having a friend that is actually anti children? anti all the choices you are making and for some reason feels compelled to voice that outloud constantly? I think you need to prepare for this friendship to end. You need strong boundaries with her, and be prepared to reinforce them to protect your happiness. If you get to a point where your tired of always telling her to stop with the comments than you might need to end the friendhsip. Just be prepared.
Post # 14
Your friendship is definitely going to change. And I think it will have less to do with life choices and more to do with her attitude.
I’m CFBC and my best friend is in the process of TTC and I couldn’t be more happy for her. I can’t wait to be an auntie to her baby. Because I want her and her husband to be happy. I love her. And while our relationship will undoubtedly change, I choose to focus on the potential good change rather than then anything else. If your friend has a response anything less than happiness, she’s not being a good friend and you should address it.
ETA – And I get that parents are busy and family is their main focus. Just because I’m CFBC doesn’t mean I live with resentment towards my friends with children. If they don’t have as much time for me, it’s okay. I have a life too. It’s not that serious.
Post # 15
codepurple89 : It sounds like it would be draining to be friends with someone like that, she sounds miserable.
I would just rip the band aid off and tell her when she comes over, if she reacts negatively stop her in her tracks and let her know this is something you’re really exited about and need her support, or at the very least for her to keep her negative comments to herself.
Post # 16
Honestly I wouldn’t tell her personally. Some people would say that’s the rudest thing imaginable, but I would let her find out at the same time my second-cousins’ great-aunt finds out. Through Facebook.