(Closed) Nervous about first year of marriage

posted 5 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 2
Member
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I feel you bee. I am about to move in with my Fiance for the first time and am kinda scared lol. I already know what we will fight about (his messiness mainly, but also money…he tends to be less frugal than me and it drives me crazy). 

What kind of stuff have you been fighting about during your engagement? Have you considered premarital counseling? I kind of want to do this myself…need to talk to Fiance about it.

Post # 3
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you just need to accept that the transition is bumpy. Be flexible. Be open to his way of doing things, and he needs to be open to yours. Let as much go as possible and laugh a lot. You guys should negotiate together how things should go with chores. For instance- my DH takes the trash out but I scrub the pots and pans. That was an agreed upon trade off because I dont mind dishes but I hate the icky building trash room and he hates scrubbing dishes. Take time for yourself too, and dont panic if you guys are spatting over stupid stuff. Youll figure it out.

I dont think the first year of marriage is hard in general, I just think if youve never lived with your husband till the wedding day it is- because moving in with someone is a big change.

Its more concerning that youve had a bad YEAR with your Fiance… why are things so tumultuous? Are you sure you should be getting married?

Post # 4
Member
9518 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If you already live together then it shouldn’t be much different. We just passed our 6  month anniversary (thank you for reminding me to go pick up his gift, right after I am done writing this). The first month was rough. Post wedding I experienced uncontrolable anxiety for the first time, it was awful. After that it was basically the same relationship we always had. It has been smooth sailing. Don’t stress over someting that has’t even happened yet. You will only drive yourself batty

Post # 5
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, it’s just part of the ride. Where before living together you didn’t have much to fight about (at least you shouldn’t have) now you’ll have a whole bunch of things that will provide the opportunity to clash heads.

-Finances

-Living arrangmenets

-Home Decor (no kidding, DH and I have had our WORST married disagreements over home decor.)

-Kids

-Chores

-Etc, Etc, Etc.

It may take a while to strike a balance. And that’s okay. Just remember that many have gone before, many will go after, and you will make it through.

Post # 6
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Mmmmm my go-to book here is 10 Things I wish I’d known before we got married by Gary Chapman because it talks about the expectations of marriage. People have a horrible time the first year when they realize it’s not at all the way they pictured it would be like. So say you pictured your afternoons would be coming home to a semi-clean house after work and making dinner together to later sit down to watch Netflix. Maybe then you’d make love and go to sleep together. But what if he’s thinking being ‘married’ actually means that he’d go from work straight to the bar to see his buddies and then come home to you and dinner already made. Then he’d go to the gym and come home straight to sleep. 

Or what if you expect to have three bank accounts: his, yours and a joint one. The joint one is where all of the household expenses come from and the personal ones are for your own expenses. Yet he thinks finances should be divided down the middle. Or according to proportional incomes?

Or what if you like to sleep in on the weekends and he’s a morning person who likes to be active from 6 am onwards? Division of household chores? Division of holidays with the two families (or three or four if you have remarried parents?)?

Soooo the only way around these things is to talk about them ideally BEFORE you get married. That book has all kinds of exercises to do with your Fiance to start getting on the same page about what you;re expecting of one another and how to manage the transition a little bit more smoothly. 

I’ll tell you my story: everyone told me the same thing too. It’ll be horrible, it’s so hard, it;s hard enough to do it when you’re married so you’re crazy to “just” live with him, etc. And you know what? It was wonderful. 

Post # 7
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

People said stuff to us as well, but really it wasn’t any different for us than when we were still dating. We had zero issues with finances, home decor, chores, etc. Everything fell into place. We never had to discuss things. We never argued about any of it. We dated a while so we already knew how the other person was in their space – so nothing was new. 

 

Post # 8
Member
4104 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Although we were together for 6 years by the time we got married, we didn’t live together first either. I was terrified too because I was expecting a huge change. In reality though we just got closer. Yes we argue occasionally but nothing major. Before you move in, decide who is responsible for what. A chore chart might seem juvenile but at least for a while it will keep responsibilities even so no one gets bitter and resentful. You’ll eventually settle into a routine so you no longer need a chart. Also decide how you’re going to handle finances. Will you combine accounts, keep individual ones, or both? Will one person be in charge of paying all the bills or will you split them? Knowing ahead of time who will be responsible for what makes life a lot easier. Also, don’t go in expecting personalities to change. If he’s a night owl, don’t expect him to suddenly go to bed early, for example. Compromise is huge until you get used to living with each other. Our first year of marriage has been the best year of my life. It hasn’t all been champagne and roses, but living with your best friend is seriously the best thing in the world. Good luck! 

Post # 9
Member
10275 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I had similar worries about moving in together with Fiance because everyone said moving in together would be a huge adjustment. We’ve lived together for about 4 months now and it hasn’t felt like an adjustment really at all. We don’t fight more than we used to (we don’t really fight at all), no unknown habits suddenly popped up. We did date for 7 years before moving in together though.

As for the fighting –  have you considered premarital counseling? Maybe there’s some communication issues to work on or some differences on important things that need to be worked through. Being married and moving in together isn’t going to fix any current problems.

Post # 10
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

View original reply
r06387:  I’m not married yet, but I can speak to the living together part! It can be a bit of a transition depending on how different you two are from each other. An example might be if you’re extremely clean and he’s messy, that will be something you will need to adjust to and work on together. Another might be how you spend your money if you have a joint account. Or how you guys go grocery shopping together. They’re all fairly little things in my opinion, but having a bunch of them all at once can be overwhelming at times. Dont stress out about it too much though! Some of these transitions happen smoothly and naturally, others take time to work at. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to be horrible all the time. Open communication and respect for one another is crucial in order for things to go smoothly.

You will also have to get used to being around the other person 24/7. This can be challenging for some people because now they are adjusting things like getting ready together, seeing each other at your best and worst, sleeping together every single night, and other quirks that you each have. This can be quite a change for some people, but I think you’ll adjust to most things quicker than you think! Also, just know that it is 100% okay to want your alone time. You guys can do your own seperate thing and you don’t always have to be in the same room doing the same activity together. I find that this helps me and my SO a lot because we get time to recharge.

The important thing to remember is that you both need to keep an open line of communication and speak to each other nicely, no matter how frustrated you might be. Arguments will happen, it’s normal and nothing to be afraid of. As long as you both try to work things out, and fight fairly (no insulting each other, definitely no violence) you guys will be fine. I don’t think marriage is “hard work” and I don’t believe that the first year is supposed to be horrible. It’s just a bit of a change and you should expect some bumps and bruises along the way. It won’t be in the honeymoon stage forever which is normal. 

Post # 11
Member
4229 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It’s not that bad, really.  We moved in weeks before we got married due to our leases ending and though it was a transition, sure, it was fine.  We have a solid, healthy relationship and we communicate really well.  If you don’t have a healthy relationship and you are unable to communicate your needs, THAT is when things can be tough.  There will be change of course…but as long as you expect it and you come in with an open mind you will be fine.  My husband and I have already had a lot of challenges in our first year of marriage, everything from job changes to job loss to health issues to car repairs……and we’re just fine.

Post # 12
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

View original reply
r06387:  honestly, I have never understood why people say this? The first year of us living together was awesome! We had so much fun making our home and (3 years later) the first year of marriage was easy breezy:) maybe it is just us but everything got better when we moved in. Sure, there are irritating habits others have but you decide if it’s a discussion or a fight. It wasn’t a big deal. our relationship got even better after the wedding- probably because wedding stress is gone but we are about to celebrate our 1 year this weekend and no complaints. We have been through a lot together- death, illnesses, financial issues etc… So there isn’t any shortage of life problems. I guess my advice would be don’t let little things bug you and resolve issues quickly and respectfully. 

Post # 13
Member
9071 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Our first year was pretty easy. We hit a few rough patches year two, but it was pretty minor, but we also did live together for nearly a year before we got married.

Post # 14
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Part of the difficulty with living together is that you truly do see each other at your worst. When you’re living separately and you come home from work or wake up in a crap mood, you can choose whether or not to communicate with your SO. When you live together, they’re going to be in the same house as you regardless of whether you’re in the mood for company. Fiance and I have lived together just over a year now, and we’ve had stupid arguments that begin mostly because one of us is stressed, overtired or cranky, and both of us have quick tempers. So one person will make a bit of a cranky remark and neither of us is any good at just ignoring things that annoy us. If you can get the hang of dealing with each other’s grumpy times – I like to leave the house and go for a walk so I don’t pick a fight – that will make adjusting to living together a lot easier.

Post # 15
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Our toughest year was the second to be honest. But I had already lived with my husband for a year before we were married so I had already adjusted to the living together part. The second year was stressful, the weight of being financially responsible together and for each other was a lot to carry for both of us. Especially for my husband because he didn’t enjoy his job and quit just out of nowhere. You’re going to have tough times that’s just part of being married but you just have to work through it all.

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