(Closed) Nervous about married life

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hmm. What are you worried about in particular? I went from LDR to living with my fiance (just a few weeks ago!) and so far it’s been great and exactly what I expected. The few issues we’ve had are exactly what I always anticipated (he is messy, I am not).

Although before being in a LDR, we had previously lived in the same city for a full year, so I knew what it was like to see him on a regular basis. I knew him really well by the time we moved in together, and though we hadn’t lived together yet we’d stayed at each other’s places a lot, sometimes for 2-3 weeks at a time, so we had done enough “trial runs” that I knew what I was getting into. We are also in our 30s and had both lived alone for years until now.

Is it just the fear of the unknown for you, or are there concrete things you can point to about your fiance that are making you anxious about living together?

Post # 3
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Yes, we did exactly this.  He lived about an hour away from me and we only saw each other once per week.  We of course would talk on the phone throughout the week and we spent every weekend together, but yes we went straight to living together and marriage.  Well, we lived together for about a month prior to getting married due to our leases being done, plus it was nice to be all moved in before I started my new job and after our wedding.

We are both very independent people and we understand that about each other.  We give each other space when we need to.  Adjusting to living with another person was a bit challenging, but the reward far outweighed the challenge.  We rarely fight, and rarely fought when we were in the process of adjustment.  There are a few things about him that drive me crazy and there are a few things about me that drive him crazy, but that’s just part of life, honestly.

It is possible, just be sure you are honest and open with each other.  If there is something that is bothering you talk about it.  Don’t let it go and expect things to get better because they won’t unless you talk through it.  Marriage does highlight issues in your relationship though, I will warn you about that, however being open and honest will help so much.  Good luck!  Hope all goes well!

Post # 4
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My fiance and I are long distance currently but we lived together before.  I definitely think living together was a good idea, but when it isn’t possible, try to remember to give each other some space after you move in.  We’re both pretty good at reading when the other one wants to be left alone, and I think that’s a really good thing to work on in a relationship.  Our flat is very small, but we make it work.  If he goes into the bedroom and turns on a podcast, I leave him alone for a couple of hours and do my own thing.  

Also, even though you have less independence, one of the nice things about living with someone else is that chores are divided, and there is someone to do nice things for you.  I make him a cup of tea when he’s coming home from work, and he does the same for me after dinner. Little things like that can make you really appreciate being in close quarters with someone else 🙂  (Also, he does chores I hate, like taking out the trash, and I do chores he hates, like scrubbing the tub.)

Obviously we’re not married yet but living together before, and in the last year having extended visits of 1-2 months apiece, have really helped us figure out how to live together.  I’m sure you will too in the first few months of your marriage!

Post # 5
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think it will definitely be an adjustment no matter what. My advice: 

– Try very hard to accept as many of his quirks as you can. I.E. just because he does soemthing differently from how you would do it, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Try to look at it as an opportunity to learn a new way. 

– For the things that you can’t accept, communicate openly. Don’t let it fester and drive you crazy. 

– Of course you want to be considerate, help keep things clean and organized, etc. But you also don’t want to walk on eggshells. This is home for both of you. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect. 

-If cleanliness is an issue, it might help to decide who does what chores. E.g. my husband and I have a deal that he does the laundry, but I fold it and put it away. 

– Find a system that works for you. For example, I don’t want to nag my husband about the little things he needs to do — but of course I want him to do them! So we have a dry erase board by the door, and I keep a running “To do” list there. (He does the same for me too). So if I’m like “Did you find out if you have the weekend off for my brother’s birthday?” And he says “No, I forgot” I just write it on the board. He checks the board before he goes to work and it’s like a silent reminder. He erases items when they’re done. I feel at peace beacuse I know he sees it, and I know the reminder is “there” so I don’t have to keep saying it. And he feels at peace because he knows he can do it when he gets the chance, at his own pace, without constant bugging. 

– Have fun living together! It is nice to do little things for each other, like bring home a bottle of wine, or light a candle so the place smells good when he gets back from work. Or even leave a little note by the door, or pack his lunch, or cook together! Living together is great and I am sure you will work out the kinks as you go. 

Post # 6
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Honestly, it’s definitely going to be an adjustment.  I moved in with my Fiance 3 years ago and the first 6 months were tough because we had to adjust to meshing our schedules together.  I think when you’re used to living on your own you just get used to your own schedule and not having to take someone else’s feelings into account.  As long as you really care about each other’s feelings and go into it understanding that things will be different, but they’ll be better.  My Fiance and I now have a great schedule that works really well for our relationship.  We have our seperate time and our together time and it’s perfect.

Post # 7
Member
593 posts
Busy bee

You will have some adjustments to make, no doubt. But if you truly love each other you will find a way to split chores and will get used to each other’s schedules. With the right person it will come off kind of naturally. Don’t forget to communicate but at the same time, try to be accepting without forgetting you’re both adults that can take care of themselves. Living together doesn’t always mean being together all the time. You still are entitled to your solo time, and I think it’s very very important. Don’t think about it too much, if you’re marrying him, you know he wants to stick and you can communicate openly. Not gonna ramble here since PPs said plenty of good advice, just here to tell you to relax and enjoy it! I wish you good luck!

Post # 8
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

sabride2017 :  ha. I’m laughing because he’s, we went from an international LDR (so a lot less frequency than once a week) to living together. We didnt get married right away because I still wanted the ‘out.’ If the relationship crashed and burned and I realized we were completely incompatible on a day to day basis we could still call it quits without having the legal side involved. Of course we didn’t phrase it quite like that. We both agreed that it made “far more sense” to live together for a while before we figured out the next step in our relationship. 

So he moved from a different country, without knowing the language, leaving behind friends and family, selling his house, everything. 

It was awesome. 

Was there an adjustment period? Yes, an internal one. As in, I had to get used to sharing a bed/bathroom/closet on a daily basis with someone! For the first 40 days or so (I know it was 40 because I used to joke with my friends ‘hey 28 days and counting and I’m still happy!’ Etc.) I was blissfully happy. Then I realized I wasnt really sleeping all that well anymore because he wanted to fall asleep while holding me and that made for some interesting kinks in my neck and shoulders. Also, I started needing space! I would wake up on the very edge of the bed as far away from his as I could get while asleep. 🙂 So I started my meditation practice back up and doing a lot of mindfulness activities until I realized I just felt like my introverted personal space was under attack! Someone was there in my home ALL he time! (I was 31 and had been living by myself for a while) And then somewhere around the 3 month mark I started relaxing again. I’m going to reiterate that we never had problems amongst ourselves. It was mostly a me thing that happened inside my head until…he became ‘part’ of my bubble. Once that happened everything between us and inside my head was blissful again. We got engaged at around 7 months, married at the 11th month mark. 

I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Post # 9
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

kaitlyn4170 :  I’ve been with my husband for 5 years and one of our issues is that he’s forgetful/scatter brained. I’m totally stealing the dry erase board idea!! Brilliant.

Post # 10
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

sabride2017 :  There is always an adjustment period. Personally I’d never marry someone I hadn’t lived with first, but I know plenty of people who have waited until after marriage and it worked out for them. 

Is there something in particular that makes your worried or are you just nervous about it?

Maybe you guys can start talking now about routines, chores, schedules, etc to give you some piece of mind? I’m a planner and I feel like the more free flowing communication you guys have now about how to handle things  the easier it will be when things crop up 🙂

Post # 11
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

Fiance and I were kind of a semi-LDR when I was going to grad school (I lived 2 hours away). The times I did visit though, I stayed over at his place and went to his apt often, so I knew his lifestyle. It bothered me that he was messy, but he tried a bit to get better. Habits are hard to break, however, and this is something you need either to get used to or compromise. 

Why don’t you move into his place little by little to see how things go? Like spend half of the week at your place and half at his (if it works out). That’s what I did and luckily the distance to my work place wasn’t that much different from his place or mine. 

Post # 12
Member
4921 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Thanks for posting this OP. I feel the same way as you. I LOVE my Fiance and am so excited to be getting married but am also so used to my own space, freedom,  do whatever I want whenever I want that moving in together and taking the “forever” plunge does scare me. Good to read here that I am not the only one who felt this way and that things tend to work out anyway ☺

Post # 14
Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee

sabride2017 :  It will be an adjustment. My now husband and I were long distance our entire relationship (anywhere from 3-1.5 hours apart), and moved in together 4 months before the wedding. The first few weeks were the easiest because it was the ‘honeymoon’ stage.

After a while, our differences did become annoyances (like, why do you always put the milk back in the wrong spot of the fridge? Why do you forget to close the cereal box, why do you leave your shoes at the front door instead of in the closet?). We had petty arguments over stupid things like this, but that’s just part of learning to live together.  Just like with roommates, living with other people is sometimes annoying (even when that person is your spouse!). People who have been married 50 years still get annoyed with each other now and again…that’s just part of life. 

I wouldn’t try to troubleshoot every single possible issue- it’s impossible. Life will throw you 100’s of curve balls, hurdles to jump and differences in opinion. The more important thing is to work on your communication and problem solving techniques. Whether the problem is who forgot to put toilet paper on the shopping list after they used the last roll, why you forgot to clean up a mess, or something much more serious– you have to learn to talk things out, not call names, walk away when you have to, always forgive and always compromise. 

If you work on how to fight instead of how to avoid all fights, you’ll always work things out. 

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