(Closed) Nervous Breakdown in 3, 2, 1…..

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

I am completely losing it.  I got engaged in February.  One of the first people I called was my best friend of 20 years.  Soon after that, I asked her to be my maid of honor.  She said yes, of course.  We have been talking about being each other’s MOHs for as long as I can remember.  I planned my wedding date around her – she is graduating from law school in May so I made sure to pick a date between when she graduates and when she has to start bar review.  I picked this date just so that she could be there with me on my wedding day – I wanted a wedding later in the summer, but I gave that up to fit her shedule and picking this date meant that another good friend of FI’s (and mine) can’t come to the wedding.  But she is my best friend, so the most important thing was for her to be there.  We discussed the date multiple times and she said that it would be perfect.  Today she called me and said that she has to go to pre bar review and the only time that she can do it is the weekend of my wedding (she lives across the country so there is no way for her to do both).  I don’t know what to do.  I am sad, hurt, and beyond angry.  There are no words to describe how I am feeling.  My wedding is just over 9 months away, and it just isn’t possible to change the date at this point.  Am I the one being unreasonable to be upset here?  Any of you lawyerly ladies out there – is pre-bar review really that important?  What do I do???  How do I get over the fact that my best friend won’t be my maid of honor, won’t be there on my wedding day??  I’m already likely going to be mom-less on the day (for lots of long, complicated reasons) – I just feel as though there’s no way it can be what I want it to be now – not really surrounded by the people I love most.  How do I pick myself up and look forward to a wedding that is now going to be seriously lacking?  And how do I forgive her?

Post # 3
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I’m confused.  I thought you said you had picked a date before she started bar review.  Is pre-bar review something different than bar review?

Post # 4
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

I’m also confused, b/c I thought I had picked a date before she starts bar review.  Apparently pre-bar review is something different….and it comes earlier.

Post # 5
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I have never heard of a "pre-bar-review" that is something different than the actual bar review.  And yes, I would be very upset too.  It doesn’t sound to me like she tried hard enough to come up with alternatives.  I don’t know what to tell you except that sometimes people do not have the proper perspective on things, and you just have to be the bigger person.   

Post # 6
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

Furkids, my recollection of bar review is a little hazy, but I personally took 2 bar review courses, one for like a month and a half and another after that for a week or something.  I also recall that the students at the competing law school 10 miles away started their bar review a week before we did.  I can’t remember if some kind of pre-bar review thing was offered at my law school the week before the regular bar review started, but it’s possble.  Honestly, I don’t think pre-bar review would have made any difference for me, because it was really the end of studying that was more crucial.  Of course, if I had failed I might feel differently.  And in either case, that’s just me.  For a law student/graduate about the take the bar, the prospect of failing is basically the single greatest motivating factor in your life.  If your friend has decided that she needs the pre-bar review, it’s probably because she’s afraid she’ll fail without it and it’s really important to her that she do it.

The bottom line is that you might need to just accept that she’s doing the pre-bar review and won’t be at your wedding.  It’s possible she might reconsider and think, nah, I don’t really need to do that after all, but don’t count on it.

Having said all that, I’m really sorry that you’re in the situation you’re in.  Your friend should have told you she was considering doing pre-bar review that weekend instead of committing to being at your wedding.  I think she’s in the wrong for agreeing to be in your wedding and then backing out–no matter the reason.  If she couldn’t do it, she shouldn’t have said she would.  Unfortunately for you, you can’t force her to do it.  I think you should be honest with her, tell her how important it is to her that she be at your wedding, tell her that you specifically chose that date based on reasonable reliance on her representation that she would be able to be there (haha, that’s lawyer talk, maybe it will remind her how lame the law is and cause her to reconsider.  Tell her that she’s materially breached her contract with you.  No, don’t actually do that.)   ANYWAY.  Sorry.  Maybe if she realizes how important this is to you and how hurt you will be if she’s not there, she’ll change her mind.  But, if she doesn’t, for the sake of preserving a friendship that obviously means a lot to you, try to have compassion.  Honestly, bar exam studying should be recognized as a form of mental illness.  If she still ends up opting out, don’t hate her for it, try to chalk it up to her temporary insanity and don’t take it personally.  Yes, she should have told you, but maybe she didn’t find out about pre-bar review until after she agreed to be at your wedding and everyone she knows is telling her that she HAS to do it or else she won’t be prepared and she feels terrible but she’s so afraid of failing that stupid test that she won’t take any chances.  Which doesn’t excuse it, but it’s not a personal attack on you either.

I hope things work out, and remember even if she can’t be there, at least your FH will be.  Good luck. 

 

Post # 7
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2007

it really sucks that the timing is so awful on this. your frustrations about your friend in this situation are understandable, but like someone previously mentioned, you’re getting married! to the love of your life! unless your friend is who you’re marrying and she’s skipping out on you, isn’t the fact that you’re going to be married enough? yes, she committed that day to you, but her need to be prepared for the bar isn’t trivial. it’s a pretty dang huge deal. granted, not everyone takes a pre-bar review, but if she feels like she needs to because it helps her pass one of the biggest exams of her entire life, then that should be understood.

don’t let this ruin a life-long friendship. yes, it would be great for you to have her there, but if she’s making a pretty big decision for herself in this, perhaps she would appreciate you supporting her.

Post # 8
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

MissSnapdragon – Thank you so much, I know you’re right.  She is very nervous and I’m sure people around her are telling her that she needs to do this to pass.  Thanks for your positive words. 🙂

<font size=”2″ color=”#99cc00″>ustwiggie – obviously, marrying my fiance is the most important thing.  However, if being around friends and family wasn’t important, we would have just eloped.  Our day is going to be about us getting married, but it’s also going to be about having lots of the people who we love and care about with us, because they have been an integral part of our lives together.  Obviously, I didn’t mean that the most important part of the wedding was that she be there, but it was the most important factor in deciding our date.  Beyond both of our dads, this is the number one person we wanted at our wedding.  We have been friends since the age of 5, and, since I am an only child, she has been essentially a sister to me.  Since my own mom couldn’t go dress shopping with me, my friend’s mom went with me.  That is how close I am to her and her whole family.  Before you are judgemental, please ask yourself – would you have had your wedding day on a day when your sister couldn’t come?  Or your parents?  No, the day does not revolve around her, as you put it, but this is essentially my family.  Imagine not being able to have your own mother at your wedding and think about the fact that, in that case, you would probably really want someone else who has long been a part of your life to participate in your day.  I don’t think that it is unusual for people to check with important people before scheduling their wedding date.  Also, I don’t think that I was having a hissy fit.  I came here to get advice about what to do next.  I wrongly assumed that I could come here to vent instead of venting to my friend and making her feel bad about her decision.  I had hoped/assumed that fellow brides understood that a huge part of a wedding is being surrounded by the people that you love most.</font>

Post # 9
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I agree with MissSnapdragon that studying for the bar exam should be recognized form of mental illness.  There is so much pressure to pass that it really can become all consuming.

I get it that the wedding is about you and your fiance so you should get married when you want to get married.  But I also would be devastated if my best friend couldn’t make it.  Of course I would not hold it against her b/c her life does not revolve around me and vice versa….but I would be so sad…so I feel for you, but also I think there is lots of time for you to change plans or just keep the same date…do what makes you and your fiance happy 🙂

Post # 10
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Furkids – Everything is going to be OK…it really, really is.  I think that most people would be horribly upset knowing that someone important to them can’t be there on such an important day.  I hope your friend comes to see how important her being there would mean to you.

And ustwiggie – your own blog said that you had to change the date of your wedding because of your soon-to-be sister-in-law taking her "board exams" so although you are right that a marriage is about just two people, you more than anyone should be supportive that a wedding day is about those around you.  Your blog said "<span class=”blsp-spelling-corrected”>unfortunately, this wedding we’re planning isn’t just about the two of us: even though that’s a fantasy i get too wrapped up in at times. we want our special location, family, and friends." Try to be supportive.

Post # 11
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

The important thing for you to realize is that whenever you have your wedding, some people will not be able to make it.  For many, many reasons.  You just have to figure out who absolutely has to be there – you, the groom, your parents…  try to keep it a small circle of people, and for everyone else, let them know that you will certainly miss them.  You won’t, not that much.  What you will figure out is that you have some other really good girlfriends, who will definately be there for you.  And as time goes by, either you will still be friends with this girl, or not… 

The thing is, for her, it’s also about the rest of her life.  And while it’s hurtful to you, you can’t quite fault her for thinking that her career might be as important as your wedding.  She would probably love to be able to do both.  But taking the bar is also a stressful event, and frankly being Maid/Matron of Honor is about more than just showing up for the wedding.  It might be worth asking if she could attend if she was just a guest, and not expected to be there for more than the day of the wedding.  I’m not a lawyer, I’m an engineer, but we also spend months studying for our licensing exam, and there is no way I would have had the time to be Maid/Matron of Honor any time during the four months I was studying and taking classes to prepare for the exam.  I remember getting pretty upset with people for not understanding how much work it was, and how important it was.

Post # 12
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

There has been a lot of to-do about the Bar lately.  As an old-timer (relative to most of the posters, probably), I can say with reasonable perspective that it is NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL to fail the Bar.  I don’t know of any other exam that you can just take over and over until you pass.  Sure, it’s embarrassing, but it happens to people all the time.  Lots of big shot lawyers have failed the bar before.  It is not by any means career ending.  

But, you know, try telling that to a new law school grad. 

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Hi,

 Your friend had signed up for BAR/BRI law review, and that is why she knew in advance she would have a couple of weeks between graduation and bar review.  That starts normally at the very end of May.  The cost for that class is about $4k.

 What probably happened is at the last minute, some other classmates talked her into taking the PMBR "Early Bird" review that takes 6 days.  The cost for that review is around $700 and comes with two books. 

 Since she signed up last-minute, that added one week to her bar review study.

 I didn’t find PMBR very helpful, BAR/BRI was more than adequate.  However now it’s too late for a refund.

I understand that your friend doesn’t want to miss out on all of the bar study she can get, since she only has from the end of May until the end of July to study.

But…. you made lots of sacrifices for her as noted above.  If it’s too late to change your wedding date so your 2nd best friend can go and maybe be the Maid/Matron of Honor, then I would just pick someone else.  Sorry.  You’ve been talking about this for years and it’s the biggest day of your life.  Making a commitment means just that.  Even though she wants 6 extra bar study days, she can always work thought the book in her own spare time and get the explanation of answers from the back of the PMBR book.  This is YOUR day and you should pick someone as your Maid/Matron of Honor who is LOCAL and committed to YOU and what you want.  Tell her she can be a bridesmaid and be in the wedding and all, but you just need someone committed 100% to YOU. 

I chose my 2nd best friend as my Maid/Matron of Honor because my BFF was not as reliable, was finishing up school during the wedding planning, and had a very rough schedule.  The Maid/Matron of Honor is more like your mini wedding planner, and has a lot of duties. 

This friend may even be happy that you are easing up on her responsibilities by making her a Bridesmaid because if not, she will have to help plan and coordinate the bridal shower and bachelorette party during her finals and she’s prolly stressed from the bar study.

Just make sure you have no regrets and you have someone committed as your Maid/Matron of Honor.  She will forgive you, and may even be happy you gave her a little break in her time of bar study need.

Post # 14
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2009

shelliebeans23 is exactly right.  PMBR starts before Bar/Bri and someone probably convinced her that she should shell out the extra few hundred bucks to do the 6-day review.  Law students are crazy about the bar exam and all these companies capitalize on this to make them spend tons of money by holding the fear of failing over their heads.  Some people I know did the 6-day PMBR- I didn’t and I passed, as did a ton of people I went to law school with, but really, you can’t reason with law students.

I do think it is lame that your friend knew about the date and still chose to do the 6-day PMBR.  It’s not a necessity and she should have talked to you about it first.   

Post # 15
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Dear Furkids & Other Bees,

I obviously owe a sincere apology for my rude previous post.  I feel like a jerk, and I should.  There’s simply no excuse for the way I worded my opinion.  It was wrong.  I really misread the message in the wording that having your friend there was the most important part of your wedding day, and I felt sorry and disgusted that someone would back out like she did.

I do know how upset you must be.  We were forced to change our wedding date because of testing my future sister in law has to take during March, and I was devistated.  Also, you asked how it would be if my own mother or sister couldn’t attend my wedding, and they won’t be.  The only place my fiance and I can get married at this time is India, due to immigration laws and visa regulations (he is an Indian citizen and I’m American), and my mother and younger sister can’t afford to travel all the way there.  It is heart breaking, but I didn’t want that to keep me from marrying my best friend and the love of my life for another 2 years.  We chose not to wait any longer to tie the knot, but I know such a drastic choice (getting married without your mother and sister there for you) isn’t for most brides.

Everyone here on weddingbee is obviously coming from different places with different points of view and dreams for their weddings.  I should have been much more respectful of yours.  You’re right that this should be a community of support.

In retrospect, I would have advised you to pin your friend down and find out if there are any other options.  If she’s like a sister, you should be able to approach her in honest and up front way without offending her.  It’s what my fiance did with his sister and their parents, since she’s only 16.  When we found out there was no other time for her to take the tests, we chose to postpone because we wanted her to be able to attend the wedding, and decided it would be less stressful for everyone.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.  I truly hope everything works out and your wedding is exactly the way you immagine it being!

Post # 16
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

When you are a law student you feel that the 6 day PMBR session is necessary for passing. I didn’t take PMBR but the cds were helpful. I can understand how she feels it is necessary to take the PMBR session.

 

It sucks she cannot attend your wedding, but I am sure it isn’t easy for her either. The bar exam is about her livelihood. 

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