(Closed) Nervous Fiancee don't know what to do

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@clockwerk:  Why does your friend’s idea to move it to April make you feel much better? I don’t understand.

Talk to your Fiance. If the fact that you’re freaking out about the wedding is making him really nervous, ask him if it will help if you don’t freak out anymore. What does he mean by “freaking out” exactly? Does he not want to be involved in every little detail? Can you make an agreement on what he wants to know about it and when to involve him and when not to as not to stress him out?

Beyond the wedding it sounds like there might be other things underneath that are worth figuring out between you…which would take time…which might be better to keep the wedding date as-is until you can sort these things out.

If your MOH’s idea doesn’t make you BOTH feel better about the wedding, then it isn’t a very good idea for your marriage. You and your Fiance need to work together to find a decision you can both feel good about.

Post # 4
Member
524 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I would ask him why he’s nervous. Is he nervous about the actual wedding–being in front of a ton of people, all the stress of planning, etc.–or is he nervous about BEING MARRIED? If it’s the former–and you’ve been freaking out about it yourself–maybe compromise. Would a trip to the courthouse make him happier? Or a smaller, more intimate, less-stressful wedding? I think elopements/courthouse weddings are AWESOME ideas for people who get stressed out by planning (and I would totally have one if Fiance didn’t have a huge family that he wants there!!) Or, if you still want to have a big event still, try acting less stressed out by it: that’ll calm him down too. Cut out extraneous details. Make it more casual if formal is too stressful. If you’re calm, he likely will be too!

If it’s the MARRIAGE that’s freaking him out, then you’ll have more to work on: why is he nervous about being married? Is he afraid of divorce? That’s natural, and something pre-marital counseling could really help, or at least talking to some married friends/older couples you trust.

Good luck! 

Post # 6
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

It honestly sounds like you should probably be eloping if you have that much anxiety about the wedding. I don’t think planning a surprise will be any less taxing and so much less will be out of your control because you’ll be negotiating around the big secret the entire time.

Post # 8
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Depends on your state, but you first apply for a marriage license in teh state you will wed and then you go where you want to elope… Justice of the Peace is one option. Often people go to small resorts or bed and breakfasts that offer elopement packages… they may provide an officiant, witnesses, and a cake, for example.

Post # 9
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

To elope you just go to the courthouse on day. It may take the pressure off if planning the wedding is stressing you out.

You need to have a good chat about why he’s so nervous. If he’s worried about you being stressed, I’m inclined to say that’s just part of life and you guys need to work out how you deal with that. The wedding (probably) won’t be the most stressful thing you’ll ever do together. If he wants to skip a wedding just so you’re not stressing what else is he going to take the easy way out of in the future, ya know?

As with any other problem, communication is key. Sit down and have a face to face chat with as little emotion as possible. That’s the only way you will decide what’s best.

Post # 10
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You should consider eloping- you can go any place you like, depending on the marriage laws of that state or country. You can go with just the two of you, or bring one or two friends as witnesses. You don’t have to tell anyone you’re going beforehand so it’s private and there’s no pressure. You can go to the courthouse or to Vegas or get married outside with just the two of you and an officiant. Lots of bed and breakfasts have lovely little elopement packages with some of the trappings of a wedding- a cake and a bouquet and a few photographs for very little money. All you’d have to do is pick one, apply for a marriage license, buy some rings and pick out what you’d like to wear. You don’t have to stress yourself out planning a wedding. 

California, Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Montana, Nebraska and Nevada all have no waiting periods and you an just go there and get married someplace beautiful. The thing about a surprise wedding is that you still have to plan it, pay for and host a party, but without the help of your friends and family. So I’d think that it would just cause me personally a lot more stress. 

Try talking to your fiance. Find out how he’s feeling and what he wants. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@clockwerk:

“fiancee liked the idea but he is nervous because he said last night if im like this now (i was freaking about too many people and that i didn’t want so many when we were planning a wedding) then how will i be the week before or the day before.”

OK, so if that’s the case, he is more concerned about you freaking out than when the wedding occurs. If you were freaking about too many people, have a smaller gathering, yes? Are you freaking out about anything else? If he doesn’t want to marry before July, have it after July. What’s the problem here? He knows you have high anxiety, right? So can he help you figure out how to lessen that anxiety?

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