Post # 1
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
I feel like an awful person even writing this but I’m hoping there’s other people who have had similar situations. I have an 11 week old son and grandparents on each side who obviously want to spend time with him. I have absolutely no problem leaving him with my mom. For obvious reason that she’s my mom but also because I love the way she is with him. She’s very sweet and gentle and responsive to him if he’s upset. She’s probably just as good as me when it comes to making him stop crying.
My mother-in-law isn’t too bad. She’s very sweet with him but sometimes it feels like he’s a doll to her. Just something for her to carry around and entertain her. My father-in-law is the absolute worst. He always makes comments when he’s at our house about only coming to visit so my mother-in-law can see the baby, not him. When he does hold the baby he usually just bounces him kind of roughly and makes no adjustments if the baby is crying. He’ll just look at him and say what’s wrong with you? Last night they were at our house and it was about 7 o’clock and he had the baby propped up on pillows. He was blasting music from his phone right next to the babies head and shaking a rattle right in his face. My son was crying and was clearly overstimulated and my mother-in-law was sitting right next to him watching this. I said to him I think the baby is tired and it might be too much noise for him. My father in law said oh stop it he loves it. I finally just grabbed the baby from him because I couldn’t watch it anymore. In general my in-laws are very loud people. My son often gets upset by how much noise they make and there is no way that he will sleep as long as they’re in the house. The couple of times I’ve left him with them for a couple hours I’ve come back to him crying.
I obviously am going to need to leave him with them because they are his grandparents but I seriously get anxiety when I think about it. Has anyone else had this kind of situation with their in-laws? How did you deal with it?
Post # 2
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
I very much dislike how my Mother-In-Law is with my son. She is rude and not very nice at all.
So, I limit it. Luckily she doesn’t seem that interested anyhow, but I’m just not comfortable with her watching him. For me it isn’t worth having her babysit if it’s going to cause me to worry. Last time she looked after him he was irritable and wouldn’t sleep or go to sleep for 2 days. Not worth it.
I feel you OP. Follow your motherly instinct!
Post # 3
Member
882 posts
Busy bee
Ali-oop: I don’t have a child yet, but I see how Mother-In-Law disrespects my SILs rules and ways she wants her children raised. Like letting them watch whatever on tv, or talk back to SIL and thinking it is funny when SIL gets upset. That makes me very nervous to leave my future baby/child with Mother-In-Law. And if she were to do that to us, I wouldn’t leave my child with her alone.
Post # 4
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
YogaMama: I know, I’m trying to follow my motherly instincts. But it’s hard when you have a mother-in-law who really wants to spend time with him. And honestly I would be OK with just her, it’s my father-in-law that I worry about. Plus I can’t exactly tell my husband That I don’t like how his dad is with our son and can they please not yell the entire time he’s there.
Post # 5
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
Why can’t you tell your husband that…?
Post # 6
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
BeachBee1988: I suppose I could. It’s just a difficult conversation to have.
Post # 7
Member
1663 posts
Bumble bee
Just because they are grandma and grandpa doesn’t mean you have to let them babysit. My dd is 2 and my mil has never babysat because I don’t trust her. My parents babysit all the time. If you aren’t comfortable with somebody alone with your baby, then you don’t have to let it happen.
Post # 8
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
why do you have to leave the baby? Grandparents have no rights, you are the mama bear and your gut is telling you something for a reason. Read the gift of fear and embrace those instincts. It’s really good practice anyway to learn to say no. You are his mom, you owe no explanations to anyone! If they push, you repeat no, asked and answered.
Post # 9
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
I know I don’t have to leave him but if they want to watch him its going to be awkward to say no and not explain why. Especially if my parents get alone time with him.
Post # 10
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
Fall_In_Love22: DVsMom: +1
I’ve bever been in your shoes exactly, because my in-laws (and my mom) are all good with my babies, but if you don’t like the way someone is with your child, you don’t ever have to leave your child alone with that person, no matter who it is. I would not like to see my 11-week-old propped up on pillows with the phone blasting in his ear, either.
Can you limit their interaction with your son to when you’re also around? So, not have them babysit, but just have them hang out with you & baby? I don’t htnk your in-laws will really ever change the way they are, so, unfortunately, so this might be the only solution.
Post # 11
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
Ali-oop: it’s super super hard, but as I have gotten older I realize I need to stand up for my kids and you can be polite and assertive at the same time. I am still learninb and it’s hard to just say no, and leave it at that, especially if you are a people pleaser. I have also learned fair isn’t always equal, it’s not tit for tat and if they are busy comparing to your parents, that is on them, not you. You and your little one aren’t responsible for their happIness. I know it’s hard, I just don’t want other people to make the same mistakes I did with my inlaws and waste years of being unhappy as a result.
Post # 12
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
I’m not pregnant yet, but my inlaws will NEVER watch my kids. EVER. Mother-In-Law smokes like a chimney and is diabetic yet has loads of junk and pop in the house. There’s lots of pictures of my husband at 2-3 years old with a candy bar and a pop. No thanks. Father-In-Law is an avid gun fanatic and even though they’re locked up I will never let my kids go there without myself or my husband being there. You have to trust your gut.
Post # 13
Member
861 posts
Busy bee
Ali-oop: I think it is normal to not like the way that your in-laws are with your baby to some extent, because it’s not the same as the way that you were parented. I am strongly of the view that, barring actual safety concerns, you should let grandparents work out their relationships with your kids because the more people (who aren’t dangerous) that are in your kids’ lives who love them, the better. What you’re saying does not sound like safety issues, just hiccups in getting to know your son and what he likes.
I don’t like the way my Mother-In-Law is with my kids at all, but as long as they are safe I do leave them there for reasonable periods of time even though it bothers me. She was able to raise my husband, Brother-In-Law and SIL who I like, so her way of doing things didn’t cause permanent damage to their personalities.
Post # 14
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
Ali-oop: We don’t even have children yet and I am already worried about this. =)
You are not alone. Hugs bee!
Post # 15
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
Ali-oop: Are you just nervous about leaving your infant with them, or do you think this is going to be an ongoing issue with babysitting in general? And you’ve mentioned you have left him with them for a couple hours; are you saying that’s your limit, or that you no longer want to leave him with them at all?
Just looking for some clarification, because I think there are ways for you to get away with not having them watch him without causing a big fuss. (To be clear – if you have serious concerns for his safety, it’s worth the fuss.) If you think you’d be comfortable leaving him with them when he’s older, and/or for brief periods, I think you can pretty easily evade offers to watch him (or for longer periods, at least). But if you’ve determined that you don’t want them watching him, ever, at any age, that’s going to require your husband really getting on board and probably having a tough conversation.
As a little anecdote, when my friend’s kids were babies, she said she’d never let her ILs watch them. But 5 years later, she’s totally comfortable leaving them. Not saying this would be the case with your ILs, but things can change.