Post # 16
Aussiemum1248- I actually didn’t know most of these girls until after I was married. And I don’t think obligation should have anything to do with being a bridesmaid anyway. Independent of that, I have been highly involved in their wedding planning. With that said, maybe being a bridesmaid is more of a fun job than a helpful job and being on the outside makes it easier to help. Thanks for your insight.
Post # 17
How long have you known these people? Saying you knew them after you were married makes me assume you havent known them for that long.
Most are going to choose siblings and long term friends over newer friends.
Post # 18
Then another reason might be you haven’t known the bride as long as the bridesmaids have? It’s common to choose oldest friends as bridesmaids.
Post # 19
all I can say is.. that’s super shitty. I’d be really upset if I were you too. I’ve done a lot of help with other people’s weddings and never been a bridesmaid.. but they also never had a wedding party so no hard feelings. But to do all that work and then watch other women be bridesmaids? Ugh, that’s just.. bleh.
Post # 20
I’d probably not helps so much…
Post # 21
I haven’t known them that long- most less than 3-4 years- but I still consider them close friends. I don’t know if knowing someone for 20 years necessarily makes you closer to them or just more obligated. I’ve seen my friends with bridesmaids who did very little work while I was the surrogate bridesmaid by her side until the week before the wedding. But I do understand that in weddings there is a sense off obligation that can’t be denied. I guess I question why I was the only one at dress appointments when she has 3 local maids? I Appreciate all of your responses. It definitely makes me think.
Post # 22
I have never been a bridemaid to any of my friends, despite being close to them, I think this is because I was in a dead end relationship at the time, so not so coupley with them and their SO’s and they probably thought I didn’t get it. Whatever – saved me a fuck load of time and money! lol
Post # 23
MsBeer lol. You also make good points.
Post # 24
I had one MoH (SIL) and I chose not to have any bridesmaids. I spoke to my best friend and explained to her that I just didn’t want to put her out (mother of 3 with a busy job who does not have much money and does not live locally) and she said “I was going to say don’t be silly and I’d love to be a bridesmaid, but actually now I think about it you’re totally right; I’d love to have a nice stress-free day and enjoy it instead of feeling all that pressure”. I still invited her up in photos with me and my MoH etc, and she’s still my best friend, so all that was different was the lack of an expensive dress she would never wear again!
As long as you’re invited and they are still your friend, I wouldn’t take it as an insult. 🙂
Post # 25
This. I have a lot of very very close friends who I would love to have asked to be in my bridal party, but Fiance and I decided to have 5 on each side. He doesn’t have as many close friends as I do, and I’ve been in a lot of larger bridal parties which have usually been very dramatic.
OP, I have been keeping my bridal party selections on the DL because I’m DREADING my other close friends asking me why they weren’t included. Please don’t ask your friend why she didn’t choose you. There could also be another reason that you don’t know of- for example, I have a very close group of friends from high school, about three of whom I considered having in my bridal party. I had a huge falling out with my closest friend from that group earlier this year, and felt that I shouldn’t have anyone from that friend group in our wedding. I’m sure the other two who I’m close to are going to feel hurt, and it’s nothing personal against them, it’s just something that I felt strongly about.
It’s also not that fun to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I love my friends and sister and have stood up as an Maid/Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid or Best Man 5 times in the last two years, but it’s very expensive and time consuming. I now get excited when I’m asked to just come as a guest. I know it’s easier for me to say that since I’ve been in bridal parties, but you’re really not missing out on much.
Post # 26
I get how you’re feeling. ive never been a bridesmaid either, he’ll I’ve never been INVITED to a wedding before. I feel like I keep getting gyped out of them.
When I was 8ish I was supposed to be a flower girl in my aunt and uncles wedding. Well he sister talked her into doing it at an adult only resort so not only were we uninvited to be flower girls (me and my sis) but my whole family wasn’t even invited to the wedding anymore.
A used to be good friend from college got married 2 years ago and I wasn’t invited to that. I was a little hurt but we had drifted apart some so I got over it. I actually invited her and her hubby to mine and they came and we had fun so whatever.
One of my best friends (and bridesmaids) got engaged to another close friend of mine. I was hopeful to at least get invited to that one. Well the did a quickly immed family only thin cuz he’s in the army and I had to find out via facebook. That one stung.
one of my other bridesmaids got engaged this summer. I was kinda hoping to be asked to be a bridesmaid in hers since when I asked her to be in mine she made a comment how she would have been hurt if I didn’t ask her. I’ve been waiting for her to bring up planning stuff with me so I dont seem pushy. But I haven’t heard anything. She sent out a snapchat story of her dress shopping like a month ago now. Unless she hasn’t asked anyone yet I’m getting doubtful about that one too. Since she said it would be next summer I’m hoping I at least get invited. I’d be really upset about that one.
Post # 27
I would just ask straight out but politely… I wish one of my friends had done that rather than just be angry and ignore me completely >.< but anyways… just be like “hey, I thought you would’ve asked me to be a bridesmaid because I really enjoy helping and am excited for you! I am just wondering why you didn’t, I respect your choice though and am happy to help in any way I can either way.”
Post # 28
I see what you mean. But I’m going to help her and be her friend whether I’m in her wedding party or not. I’m bummed but I don’t want to rock the boat either. As a pp said, it’s her choice who she picks and not my place to question it. Maybe I feel we are closer than she does. Maybe she is obligated to other girls. From all the good advice I’ve gotten from you bees I think my best course of action is to let it go and step back a little on the helping. She’s got her bridesmaids and I get to wear whatever I want to her wedding. 😉
Post # 29
First, being a bridesmaid isn’t all its cracked up to be. Being just an attendee means you get to wear what you want, do your hair how you want, not buy a dress and possibly shoes you will never wear again. In addition, it doesn’t mean they don’t consider you a great friend. Personally, I kind of want to include just family or have no bridal party at all even though I have a couple of close girl friends of more than a decade. It isn’t a reflection of them at all just easier for me to keep it small.
Post # 30
heartforge: I feel ya. I’ve never been a groomsmen, and 2 of the 3 guys who I would have expected to be groomsmen for have been married (atteded the weddings but only as a guest). There’s only one left, though he isn’t engaged yet.
With one it got especially awkward because he had only 4 groomsmen, and also had a small bachelor party where 3 of them (1 couldn’t make it) were there, along with me and one other guy. And at one point lots of talk about groomsmen stuff came up. Kinda awkward.
Anyway, I can relate :/
As for the issue of how long you’ve known them, at many of the weddings I have been to, most or all of the wedding party are people they met in college (and these are people in their 20’s), so time isn’t as big of a factor as some might think. Your best man/MOH probably isn’t soneone you just met this year, but 3-4 years or so isn’t abnormal, at least in my crowd.