Post # 1
From what I’ve seen, many men, once they get engaged to someone and they move in together either before or after, show little incentive to get married despite timelines being discussed. After moving in, the girl will typically push to get married and the guy will drag the relationship on with no firm plans to get married. Waiting and having a long engagement/moving in together might be okay when you’re in your twenties, but if you’re in your mid to late 30s and plan are only starting a family when you’re married, you have no time to waste on a man who makes you wait 5 years for just a proposal (since he’s getting all the benefits and playing house for free.)
I believe that a guy has to want to get married. Not giving a guy the benefits of moving in together prior to marriage would likely make him reconsider wasting your time. That’s just my opinion.
Post # 3
My experience was very different from this. After dating for several years, my Fiancé and I bought a house together in November 2017, got engaged in April 2018, and are getting married in less than three months. The scenario you described certainly happens, but definitely is not true for everyone!
Post # 4
Cool, that’s not what I’ve seen.
I’m happy that my partner’s only “incentive” to get married was because he loved me and wanted to publicly and legally proclaim that. I really don’t think it is typical that after moving in women push for marriage and men drag their feet, sure it happens but I haven’t found it to be the norm at all.
I want women to take the path that suits them and if that means not living together before marriage then power to her. However I think this rhetoric that living together is something women must withhold in order to make a man propose is BS and frankly a degrading view of women. It not only implies that men only want marriage if they gain something else they want but that men are the only beneficiaries of living together.
Your opinion seems to be based of the waiting boards and honestly, most of those men are doing those women a favour by delaying marriage. The majority of bees who post about waiting are in terrible relationships but focusing on engagement so much that they can’t see all the red flags. I think the majority of those relationships will break down and in the end those women will be happy all they had to do was move out and move on rather than going through a lengthy divorce.
Post # 5
This was not my experience at all. We moved in together shortly after getting engaged, and got married eight months later.
You’re right that a guy has to want to get married (so does the girl?), but wrong that you have to withold certain “benefits” in some kind of weird power play to make him want that. Or, maybe there are men like that…but I sure wouldn’t want to marry one of them.
Post # 6
sarandah : And you’re entitled to your opinion. My opinion is very different.
I’ve lived with 2 different guys and have been engaged twice (one broken engagement, the second resulted in marriage). In both cases for me, moving in together actually excelerated the engagement timeline. But I am also a gal that made it clear that I wouldn’t wait forever for a proposal. It was never a threat or ultimatum in either case, just a statement of fact.
Many couples feel like they need to live together before taking the next step in getting engaged. For a guy (or woman) that may not be sure if they actually want to take that next step, yes, it can buy time. But for couples that are on the same page, moving in before marriage does not stop their relationship from moving forward.
In fact, in my friend group I can only think of one couple where it didn’t work out and looking back, they would not have had a good marriage had they gotten married. But the end of their relationship was not because they moved in together; it was because they weren’t suited for each other, and OP, I think you see that a lot on the Waiting Boards (agreeing with zzar45).
Post # 7
zzar45 : My opinion has been somewhat from the waiting boards but also based upon couples I’ve seen in real life. I do agree with you that the majority of these couples on the board will break down.
Post # 8
I’m glad I followed my mom’s advice of try before you buy. I’m also glad I didn’t find your observation to be true for my relationship. It seems a very cynical opinion to have and I hope this wasn’t your view or experience of your own relationship.
Hope your first year of marriage and living together hasn’t had too many bumps, it can be a hard time and big adjustment living together.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!
I agree with the others… People who are happy generally aren’t posting to the Waiting board unless it’s a, “he has the ring/we’re getting engaged, and I’m picking out the ring” situation or their SO is dragging their feet, and most people are in the latter category. Your sample size is skewed. We definitely wouldn’t have gotten engaged this soon had we not moved in together. Before we moved in, my fiance (boyfriend at the time) said that he saw moving in as a serious milestone and would only do it as a next step, not out of convenience to save money. So while couples should discuss moving in in-depth before they do, it can be great for the relationship.
Post # 10
Not only did we live together before marriage but we had a baby too. And we got married 🤷🏻♀️
It completely depends on the relationship and the people in the relationship
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Men who want to marry the women they are with will take the necessary steps to marry them. It has zero to do with the living situation.
If living with your partner makes them not want to marry you, you’ve got a shit partner. If your live in partner is dragging their feet, delaying/missing timelines, moving the goal posts, etc, there’s a problem in the relationship, not the living arrangement.
Post # 12
Counterpoint: if moving in with a guy makes him drag his feet because he “has all the benefits and is playing house for free” then moving in with him shows you that you’re with a loser and you can break up with him.
Post # 13
Perhaps my sample size is a bit skewed, I will admit. But I can’t deny that some people do end up waiting a long time and some make major sacrifices without the guy putting in as much effort. My one year anniversary is coming up tomorrow, and I’m so excited! The first year wasn’t too difficult in that regard and I think we both adjusted pretty well. Can’t say that’s true for everyone though. botanistbee :
Post # 14
I agree that guys like that are losers, but what if a girl doesn’t think that way or thinks it’s normal for a guy to drag his feet? sandiegobee :
Post # 15
sarandah : there are many on the waiting boards who haven’t moved in with their partner and have still waited many years for an engagement. These women are still fed the same old lines as those women who live with their partner.
Everyone is different and something that works for you, isn’t going to work for everyone.