(Closed) Never move in with someone prior to marriage

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I don’t understand the use of “this was my experience, so it must be exactly the same for everyone across the board and no one should ever stray from this exact path that I have laid out here” If something works for you, cool. But that doesn’t mean it is the only right way. 

We moved in together after 1 year of dating, got engaged at 18 months, and married at 2 years. All these decisions were discussed and planned as a team. 

Post # 17
Member
4514 posts
Honey bee

I think incompatibility is much more common theme with a lot of the “waiting” posters.  

Post # 18
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
sarandah :  I’m glad it’s not been too difficult and that you’ve both adjusted well.

I feel like you’ve deliberately made a controversial statement as if it’s fact rather than opinion because of the language you’ve used. 

I hope your cynical opinion changes as you experience more of the world and hopefully in time you’ll see how sad this opinion was and maybe you’ll judge less harshly. 

Hope you have a great anniversary tomorrow. 

Post # 19
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

Yeah, no. I would never marry someone without living with them first. I need to know we worked out the kinks and saw all sides of each other before getting married, and we still want to get married. I don’t want to feel like I’m in too deep and HAVE to stay because oops, we’re married now – I made this bed now I have to lie in it. 

I have never personally seen any circumstances in which people moved in together and the guy decided he never had to take the next step because he’s got everything he wanted. But what I have seen a lot of first hand is people move in together (both unmarried and married couples) then realize they are just totally incompatible and can’t make it work. Or realize they are totally incompatible but they’re married now so they just tough it out and hate each other’s guts. 

But like your example, that’s anecdotal evidence and by no means represents the majority of the population. 

Post # 20
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

I moved in with this guy when we said neither of us had any intention of getting married. A few months after moving in together, I realized I wanted to marry him. I brought it up to him, and since we were already living together and he had all the benefits of being married without the title…he proposed and we got married 9 months later. Because he wanted to marry me too. 

I guess he never got the testosterone-laden memo about not marrying a chick without hemming and hawing if he’s already getting “the benefits” without a ring? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Post # 21
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I moved in with my fiance after 8 months. We got engaged after 17 months. There was no “pushing” or anything. It was something we both wanted.

Post # 22
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

People who discussed their long-term plans with their partners, moved in with them and later got engaged and married without any hand-wringing don’t post obsessive monthly updates on the Waiting boards.  Your sample is skewed.

Post # 23
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m sorry your husband only wanted to marry you for the “benefits” 🙁 my husband and I lived together for a year before engagement and he was as excited as me to get married. No pressure needed from either side. 

Post # 25
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I could see why some ladies would want to be engaged before moving in together or even be married before moving in together. I think if that’s your standard and what you need, that’s A ok and reasonable. But it’s certainly not the only way to do things or guarantee a marriage will happen.

I never lived with a boyfriend before my husband. But after 1.5 yrs of dating we decided to move in together because I was moving and the timing seemed right. He proposed at year 2 and we got married 1 year after. So it can work either way as previous posters have shown.

Post # 26
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
sarandah :  I find it pretty distasteful to make a blanket statement to never move in before marriage, as if you know anything about anyone else’s relationship. See how that works? 

Sorry to assume you had any personal experience with this massive generalization you were making. 

Post # 28
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee

I have seen it both ways. My sons father and I were engaged for 7 years. When he knew I was serious that I was no longer interested in playing house, he left me for another woman. He married her within a year. It was not him that didn’t want marriage. It was that he didn’t want marriage to me. No amount of years would have fixed that. 

View original reply
sarandah :  

Post # 29
Member
556 posts
Busy bee

I don’t believe that anyone who needs an “incentive” to get married is a good bet, but hey if it works for you knock yourself out. 

Post # 30
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
sarandah :  okay, to make it more generalized – if your future husband would become complacent about marrying you because he’s reaping the “benefits” of his cow/wife by living with her first and doesn’t care enough to marry her of his own accord, that’s not someone you should want to marry anyway. Better to live together and find out first!

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