(Closed) Never move in with someone prior to marriage

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Lol

OP: Never move in with your partner before marriage, as he’ll lose all interest in proposing!

Also OP: Don’t tell me what to do or make assumptions about my relationship!

Post # 62
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sarandah :  I have no interest in marrying someone who only wants to marry me to get the benefits of a wife. 

I think it’s hilarious that you posted this and then got worked up at one of the bee’s calling out your bullshit. Did you really think you could come here and spew such ridiculous nonsense and not have someone eventually comment on your relationship? 

You wrote your opinion as if it were advice and that it worked for you, so it makes perfect sense for people to assume that you used this method to rope in your husband…. Sorry you feel you aren’t valuable enough on your own to be worth marrying and needed to provide additional incentive 😏

Post # 64
Member
761 posts
Busy bee

That’s great that it worked out for you. However, maybe you should refrain from preaching to others and lecturing them on life choices that are very much personal and will vary from person to person.

It’s neither necessary nor helpful to tell others how to live their lives. In doing so, you run the risk of trying to shove your beliefs down the throats of people who didn’t ask for or want your advice.

If you don’t like people making assumptions about your life, then in turn have the same respect to not make assumptions about the lives of bees on this site because we don’t appreciate it either sarandah :  

Post # 65
Member
2634 posts
Sugar bee

I had no desire to get married, I had two great kids,was set for life financially and my guy moved in with us. {I never would have had him move in if either boy had a reservation about it, but they loved having an older guy to bounce boy things with him and there is a mutual respect between them. 

I thought we were set for life, and was gobsmacked when he proposed. Six months were married in a small, intimate ceremony.

Post # 67
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

sarandah :  I get if you’re religious or young or for whatever reason you decide not to move in together before engagement or proposal.  Any number of reasons make sense to me.  What doesn’t make sense is the notion that the man won’t propose if you live with them beforehand.  No one should be waiting or hoping for a proposal without knowing if one will ever come.  At some point, don’t most people have the conversation about where the relationship is going? If you are communicating with your partner, you know where it’s headed.  If one person is ready to get married and the other is stalling or unwilling to discuss, that’s a red flag to me.  In my case, we discussed, he said he loved me and wanted to be with me for the foreseeable future but didn’t want to get married and I had to decide whether I could live with that. I absolutely could.  Turns out, he changed his mind and we are engaged, however, I wasn’t waiting for it, nor was I expecting it.  

Post # 69
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

sarandah :  It’s difficult to ascertain how much of your advice and results were motivated by and a direct consequence of your religious circumstances, circumstances that are not universally applicable. I hope you understand that, given this disclosure, it would be reasonable for people to discount you argument and assertions accordingly.

Post # 70
Member
6667 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

So…you made a blanket statement telling ALL women to NEVER do something that you actually have absolutely no experience with? Got it.

 

Post # 71
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sarandah :  ok so what exactly was the point in your post? 

You even titled it “Never move in with someone prior to marriage”. That isn’t written as an opinion – that’s telling people what to do. 

You then went on about women (actually, “girls”, using your wording) end up pushing for marriage after moving in but their boyfriend’s have no incentive to marry them because they’re already getting all the benefits. 

You seem to think that you’ve found the key to “success” and the rest of us here are telling you you’re wrong. Maybe not moving in together first worked out well for you – I also know several couple’s who it has worked out for – but that doesn’t mean that doing the opposite doesn’t and won’t work out for others. The way you wrote this absolutely comes off that way and I don’t think it was unintentional. 

The couple’s I know who didn’t move in together first and have worked out, it’s not because the man felt more incentive to gain the benefits of having a wife. They’ve worked out for the same reason my many friends and family who did move in together first have worked out – because they made a measured and thoughtful decision about the person they want to spend the rest of their life with and they chose to move forward because they knew it was the right step for them and their relationship. 

Anyone who gets married because they feel pushed into it or because they’re being denied certain benefits isn’t getting married for the right reasons and it is very unlikely to work out in the long run. 

Post # 73
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

sarandah :  But in those kinds of situations, it feels to me that she’s more focused on being married than who she is being married to.  

Post # 75
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

sarandah :  If this individual is really invested and compatible (or the “one”), he won’t drag his feet or get cold feet regardless of the living situation. I’d like to add, there is alway a risk of a guy being uncertain: there are waiting bees on here that are maintaining separate residences.

Also, I’m sure the scenario you describe where “the girl is trying to make actual wedding plans and the guy gives vague responses” also happens to couples that aren’t cohabitating, not to mention that there are couples that aren’t heterosexual (your responses are often quite heteronormative and assume multiple gender stereotypes).

MissClaudiaCaswell :  Your story sounds lovely and romantic!

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