(Closed) Never move in with someone prior to marriage

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 91
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

We moved in together after 1 year of dating, got engaged after 13 months, and married at 3 years.   We communicated what we wanted and discussed neither of us had time to waste or wanted to waste each others time if we were not meant to be. We discussed early within our relationship the first year what we wanted and what we expected.

 

 

 

 

Post # 92
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

sarandah :  I don’t know why you would post this hun I really don’t. You can’t state that just because something works for you than that MUST be the way it is. What you gave was your opinion, nothing more, it is not fact by any means whatsoever as you made it sound as if it was. My Fiance’ and I both come from very spiritual families where it is written that you shouldn’t engage in things like sex and living together before marriage however we both made the sound adult decision that we wanted to give our marriage the absolute BEST chance so in order to do that we had to know each other on EVERY level BEFOREHAND and that included living together. You truly come to know a person when you live with them, IMO (notice I stated that was my opinion). Eventually, about a month after he proposed we decided to take that step and live together, and we will surely be married come this September. I love him more now than I ever have and he feels the same way, never once did he decide that since we were living together than he could drag his feet, if anything it made him want to marry me more. I do agree there should be some level of serious commitment before living together, but I don’t believe it has to be marriage.

However, all of this is just my OPINION.

Post # 93
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

My husband and I moved in together after 4.5 years of dating and he surprised me by proposing the day we moved in together. We got married a year and a half later. Each situation is different and unique, depending on the couple. 

Post # 94
Hostess
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

hampsterdance :  This.  The only people I know who are/were endlessly waiting after moving in together were people who either (1) did not discuss their plans for the future before moving in or (2) did discuss their plans and completely ignored the guy basically screaming that he was not going to marry her.  The vast majority of my married friends lived with their S.O.s prior to marriage and did not have the experience of those on the waiting boards.  

Post # 95
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

j_jaye :  Amen!! I hadn’t even thought about it that way “getting married to live together could make people get married for the wrong reasons” but that is VERY true!!!

Post # 96
Member
9245 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Lol you are 22 and have been married what, a year? I have underwear older than your relationship.

Post # 97
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You seem a bit bitter.

Post # 98
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think waiting to get married to move in is the solution. A personal preference, absolutely. But not the real issue here.

I think stopping dating the wrong MEN for us is the solution. You can still date a man, not live together, be celibate, and still sit around waiting for all eternity for something that will never come. You can even get a timely proposal, get married, and the relationship not work out as well, and the guy be an absolute disaster.

I have nothing against those who wait to do certain things before marriage. But it isn’t going to make a guy propose faster and garuntee a successful marriage. Maybe the statistics are all you need to make you feel better. But there are always outliers! You can’t change the risk of being an outlier. Happens to the best of us.

Anyways, I think this sounds like someone who is jaded from making a mistake dating the wrong guy(s) and wasting time. Sounds like a personal issue. Been there done that. Once I changed my perspective, behavior, and my standards, Mr. Right was there all along.

Post # 99
Member
706 posts
Busy bee

This post makes about as much sense as a hypothetical post titled ‘Never get married without living together first!’, followed by some insulting explanation such as: ‘Any dealer who wants to sell you the car without letting you test drive it first probably does so because he knows it’s a lemon.’

Do what works for you, don’t tell adults what to do. 

Post # 101
Member
1530 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

sarandah :  You’re just digging yourself a deeper hole, Bee. 

Post # 102
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

sarandah :  This post doesn’t even seem to fit in with your original post. Your OP was about living with a guy first before marrying him, now you seem to be on this rant about waiting around forever for a proposal?

It seems like you are saying that you have show a guy that you are serious about the relationship up-front and want it to lead to marriage (which there is nothing wrong with as I agree it doesn’t always take eternity to know if someone is right for you) but I can’t wrap my head around what that has to do with living with someone? You can set that timeline, still live together beforehand, and if the guy TRULY wants to marry you he will adhere to that timeline and the relationship will still end in marriage. It doesn’t matter if you live with the guy or not, if he doesn’t want to marry you, he just doesn’t regardless of what timeline you set, you just have to be smart enough to see the signs as some guys will see how long they can draw the relationship out without marriage (which is what I think you are getting at) however that STILL has nothing to do with living arrangements…? Living together isn’t guaranteed to magically make him decide he doesn’t have to marry you because he has the “package” already therefore leaving you stuck in girlfriend status forever, nor will it force marriage. The both of you have to WANT it, doesn’t matter where you live. Living together beforehand just gives you the opportunity to get to know the person a little more before something as serious as marriage, which is return allows you know if you are even capable of living together at all.

Post # 103
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

sarandah :  You have a very one dimensional view of the world. 

Post # 104
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

sarandah :  nice backpedaling you’re doing there. 

Living together first and waiting around for 5 years are two completely different things. Literally no one here is arguing that women should wait around for years not getting the commitment they want from their partners. In fact, telling women to stop waiting around when it’s never gonna happen is a pretty common theme on these boards. 

Post # 105
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

sarandah :  Has it ever occur to you that not all women are desparate to get married?  Maybe they want to date around before they settle in, and there’s nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes, you don’t know if you want to marry the guy until you move in with them and see how it is.  For some of us want to date a guy for a few years (5 and up) and grow with them before we marry them.  Also, if a guy doesn’t want to marry you, he most likely won’t whether or not if you’re living with him.  And if you have to use living together as a bargaining chip for a proposal, I’m of the opinion that your marriage is going to be rocky, because you’re forcing someone into a what should be a lifetime commitment.  Resentment will build up.  

Also, yes, I do find your opinion sexist, because you repeatedly talk about girls that move in with guys, and the guys don’t want to marry them.  What about the reverse?  I know many guys that have repeatedly proposed to their gfs and their gfs say no.  It’s a two way street.  Those men may not on waiting boards, talking about how their gfs don’t want to marry them, but they do exist.

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