(Closed) Never move in with someone prior to marriage

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 122
Member
4947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

zzar45 :  my favorite were the Duggar’s, Jill and dereck went on a mission trip to give marriage advice to people who have been married for longer than Jill and Derick had been alive

Post # 123
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

sarandah :  What exactly were you looking to gain/hear from your OP? Because at this point I’m confused….it’s starting to make less and less sense everytime you comment considering what other bees are saying in response. You replies are not matching up and it’s beginning to feel like a troll post.

Post # 124
Member
4947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarandah :  seriously bee. You could have used this thread to broaden your knowledge of the world, to have a less simplistic view of relationships (and per your last comment, abuse victims…??)

Instead you’re just digging yourself in

Post # 125
Hostess
9545 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

 

sarandah :  Bee, sweeping generalizations dont work. You have 8 pages of responses from people in happy marriages that lived together before marriage.

“But people think they have to jump all these hoops in hopes that their marriage will end up divorce-proof. And that anyone who does things differently is wrong.”

 Kind of like you not living together before marriage and saving yourselves for each other? Do you see how this works both ways??

Post # 126
Member
4947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

MsJ2018 :  my guess is, a pat on the back for following the “correct” path in life

Post # 128
Member
416 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Sansa85 :  I second that.

Post # 129
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Baton Rouge, LA

Yeah, no.  I get that there are cases of people waiting around for a proposal that will never happen; most of that is incompatibility.  Still, blanket statements (however well-intentioned) don’t really serve much purpose except to offend.  Life is messy, and people don’t fit into nice, neat little boxes.  

Let me tell you my story.  My first marriage, I didn’t live with him beforehand.  We were young (I was about your age when we got married), religious, and made the choice to move in together after marriage.  We did pre-Cana, were friends first, dated about a year before getting engaged, and then were engaged about a year before getting married (all the ‘typical’ premarital advice that ‘should have’ resulted in wedded bliss.  It did for many, but all bets are off when abuse is involved).  It was an unmitigated disaster.  The mask dropped and the abuse began once we were married because he thought he had ‘control’.  It took me three years, but I left, divorced him, and didn’t look back.

Fast forward eight years, and I’m happily engaged.  We moved in together after about a year. It took him about five years to talk me into even considering marriage, and another year of seriously discussing it before I was comfortable enough to actually do the damn thing and get engaged.  We just bought our first home, and we’re getting married this fall.  He’d elope tomorrow if I didn’t want a fall wedding (albeit a tiny one).

After my first marriage, I didn’t think I’d ever get married again.  I had no doubt I wanted to spend my life with my fiance (that realization came pretty quick).  Being legally tied to someone again freaked me the hell out.  It took time and a lot of healing before I was comfortable with that (PTSD is a bitch).  Fortunately, my fiance is patient and was willing to take things painfully slow.  I can tell you for sure that there is no way in hell I would have ever gotten engaged without living with my fiance first.  

I have friends who married young (before I did), waited to live together, and are still deliriously happy twelve years later.  It didn’t work out for me (again, all bets are off when abuse is in the picture), but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t and won’t work for others.  What has worked for me may not work for others. Seven years together with no ring in one’s mid-twenties and early thirties might make some people walk.  I needed that time for reasons that had nothing to do with compatibility or my fiance. It had to do with working through the rotten onion layers that are PTSD before I was willing to legally tie myself to another person again.

All of this novel to say, everyone and every situation is different.  People are messy, which is why blanket statements (especially on such a nuanced topic) don’t work well.

Post # 130
Member
5922 posts
Bee Keeper

sarandah :  Don’t you think if they hadve been married ASAP it would have been harder to leave? 

Your posts make no sense bee. 

Post # 131
Member
711 posts
Busy bee

sarandah :  You are all over the place. And your main objective simply seems to be to manufacture reasons for not living together before marriage. 

Have you ever considered that marriage isn’t permanent? What makes you think marriage immunizes you against affairs or divorce? I’d think people in abusive marriages are less likely to leave their abusers PRECISELY because they’re married. 

Post # 132
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

Before he moved to your town, had you spend long periods of time together in person? Or what the whole relationship online up until this point?

Post # 134
Member
6673 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sarandah :  Your examples don’t prove your theory. They have absolutely nothing to do with living together first. They’re just about women that dated shitty, abusive men. Are you saying that living together MADE these men shitty?

You’re not making any sense. 

You’re young and inexperienced. And that’s okay. Maybe just admit that you hadn’t really thought this through before you posted here because you’re not doing yourself any favors continuing on like this. 

Post # 135
Member
4947 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sarandah :  you know everything about him, nothing is new?

We were pregnant within a few months of knowing each other (it was planned and a long story). Our daughter was born a month before our one year dating anniversary.

We moved very fast and we are very lucky that we work well together because we barely knew each other. I was still learning things about him two years into our relationship, after we had been living together for two years and had a baby

Maturity is knowing that you cannot know everything about someone in a matter of months. That’s not really how that happens. I don’t feel hypocritical here because I know how lucky we are that things worked out for my now husband and me, I realize that I could have really messed up my life

That’s why you’re getting so much push back here, there’s a lot of immaturity here and you’re telling people how to live the correct way. That never works out well

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