Oh, I have a fired Bridesmaid tale for you… (long post)
I made the mistake of asking two girls I didn’t know very well to be BMs in my wedding and I wound up kicking them both out for talking about me and calling me a Bridezilla behind my back at about a month and a half out from the wedding.
It’s a long story. I really only asked them to be BMs because they had kind of started doing BM-esque stuff anyway. A few weeks before the shower date, I asked everyone to be BMs and stressed that this was low key, no real $$$$ needed cause I knew everyone was on a tight budget (BMs include a new mom and a new grad).
My bridesmaids responsibilities? Wear something black and show up 30 mins early to the ceremony. I’m not getting a ride in with them. I was planning a Jack & Jill bachelor/ette party with Fiance. I donated to charity in lieu of favors. Fiance is an artist and he is making the centerpieces. Fiance & I and my former roommate took care of the invitations one night over dinner at home.
The two I asked to leave threw my a pot luck shower at my mom’s place (ie. very little financial contribution… my mom paid for the big stuff) HOWEVER they had insisted on throwing me this shower prior to anyone even being asked to be in the wedding party. I asked the other, closer friend BMs to help them out if they needed help since they’d been planning it since pre bridal party annoucements.
Mainly, I just expected my BMs to be friends and be there for me. The two I asked to leave told me repeatedly to vent to them if need be and my older friends I knew I could talk to about anything. Now, I am no drama queen, far from it. I don’t whine about every little things like some people do. But over the 7 weeks leading up to my wedding I went through a few legit sucky vent-worthy crisises:
~~my dress that I scrimped and saved for and had custom made was wrong when it arrived with not enough time to send it back for a new one…I had to buy a new dress locally and pay rush fees to have it altered.
~~I got mono (I still have it and it probably won’t be 100% gone by the wedding)
~~We were turned down from our “dream apartment”, but then got it when someone else backed out (yay) but then moved in a month before the wedding and literally had no electricty for a week due to a power outage in the building and then when that was fixed, one by one our appliances started dying and we were, for real, without a fridge for 2 weeks…
~~Work put me on notice that I might be let go… I’m still employed but still uncertain about what will happen. Several people were let go and my hours suddenly changed, personal calls and emails became strictly forbidden and weekends were now “on call”… I had to cancel a few wedding related appointments due to this, some of which could not be rescheduled. Thank god for Fiance for being involved and able to pick out meals and linens.
~~My uncle who I adore fell very ill and had to move away suddenly to be in a warmer climate for his health.
~~FI forgot to tell his friends about the bachelor/ette party we’d planned (that I assumed was set in stone) and his friends refused to go at the last minute, saying they already had something planned for Fiance and weren’t going to two parties. It basically this turned into a planning mess and in the end, he got a bachelor party and I didn’t have a bachelorette party (though I spent the night of his bachelor party shopping and watching chick flicks so it was all good… but I was pissed at the time and vented that I was angry). Fiance and I discussed it and a miscommunication like that won’t happen again. This was, admittedly, an overreaction on my part which I owned up to IMMEDIATELY, to everyone.
Aside from missing out on my bachelorette party, these are not “little things” and yes, I vented about how crappy everything was going to my friends and to the two BMs. Pretty sure these things are things anyone would be venting about. This isn’t like “omg, the napkins are the wrong shade of lavender or omg they discontinued the shrimp cocktail appetizers”… No, this is “wow, my uncle could die, I could become so ill that I have to postpone the wedding, I can’t take time off for fear of being fired, I can barely live in my home etc.”
Big mistake venting to them….
One of the booted BMs (we’ll call her Norma) went kind of ballistic because my other friends questioned having to spend what she was asking them to spend on the shower. When I asked Norma if we could maybe just not have everyone bring so much, and also told her I would rather pay for stuff myself than have my friends have to… she told everyone I was “demanding” that she change “her shower plans” and that is when things went sour. Keep in mind, Norma was planning this shower before I even had a bridal party… Norma told me that my friends were “immature and should realize there is an expense with being a BM”.
Next, Norma and the other one, we’ll call her Mindy, decided I was venting too much about “every little thing” and being a Bridezilla. They, in turn, complained about me and how miserable and stressed out I was making them to each other and to their husbands who are my FI’s friends. Mindy’s husband, we’ll call him Paco, decided to, in turn, start an email chain with another, totally uninvolved friend (we’ll call her LuLuBelle) in which Paco writes to LuLuBelle:
“Tower of Terror is making this wedding as stressful as humanly possible for everyone involved” .
Paco isn’t too bright and inadvertantly sent that email to Fiance and I.
I immediately contacted all of them (aside from LuLuBelle) and asked WTF was going on… (in nicer words, of course) and apologized if the assorted “really kinda serious crap” I was venting about was causing them grief and I also gave them the out and said that if being in my wedding was making them miserable, that they could step down as I did not set out for this to be a difficult experience and wanted everyone to be having fun etc.
Mindy chose to step down and told me she felt that I’m the one sucking the joy out of my own wedding because of my attitude and told me all of my problems were my own fault.
Norma proceeded to email me about how miniscule my current problems were compared to her ongoing problems. I think she used the word Bridezilla 8 times. She told me she wanted to smack me at the shower because she was jealous that I have a mom and her mom died when she was a kid and she thinks I don’t appreciate my mom because I told her me and my mom don’t always get along. Yikes. She told me how she is also sick and going through all kinds of testing. (and has been for years and years apparently) and how she thinks all I do is b!tch and complain about every little thing like it’s the end of the world etc. etc.
Oh, but that she still wants to be in the wedding…
At that point, I asked her to step down and realized that I should never have asked people I didn’t know and wasn’t friends with to be in my wedding. Oh, and Fiance had a very long chat with Paco, in which Fiance apparently brought Paco to tears. Eek.
Norma’s husband (call him “Chuck”) suggested that we all get together in person to try and work things out. Fiance and I agreed. Norma, Mindy and Paco refused. *shrug*
I did not tell anyone other than Fiance, mom, and Future Mother-In-Law the real reason why Norma and Mindy are not in the wedding anymore.
However, I asked my other friends if I was being difficult and they pretty much all said “um, no.. this is the easiest bridesmaid experience ever”. Well, am I venting too much? “No, you’ve only vented about things that were really serious problems”. I asked my guy friends if I was being a drama queen (these boys will call me out if I am) and one guys response was “um…your wedding dress was wrong and from what girls tell me, that’s major..”
I have zero tolerance for drama and people who talk smack about their friends. Or my friends. Or my family.
They say the only reason to ever fire a bridesmaid is if she’s having an affair with the groom… that’s poppycock— smack talking the bride and her friends, not being mature enough to tell the bride you have a problem with her, and trying to start a pi$$ing contest about whose problems are worse or just generally trying to start drama are all valid reasons as well.
Yes, you may lose them as friends. But honestly, in my case at least, I didn’t really needs friends who behaved like that.