Post # 1
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Long time bee going anon…
My DH and I got married in October. I thought everything was great until I went into his email yesterday (with his permission of course) and found explicit pictures of other girls. He was forwarding these pictures to a different email address that is almost exactly like his but from a different domain. I had never heard of this email address before and knew right away that there was something bad going on…so I decided to do a little investigation.
Luckily he was dumb enough to keep the same password for this email as for everything else and so it really wasnt hard to get into it. I first found he has been soliciting girls to send him pictures.I was mad at him but I really could have justified it as porn since there wasn’t any contact whether it be emotional, physical, or otherwise and we could have figured something out.
Well sadly I kept digging and I found that he has a separate facebook account 🙁 He has been talking to girls and pretending to be single and entice them into wanting to be in a relationship with him and send him pictures. He had even exchanged numbers with them and was calling them while away from me and even texting them while being with me.
We drive to work and home together so he immediately knew there was something wrong on our way home last night. I tried really really hard to stay calm but I flipped out on him and he confessed…to everything. He’s never gone to meet any of these girls and he promises he has never slept with any of them either but he has been looking for their attention and he has been texting/calling them. We both cried and really talked about some fundamental issues that we have in our relationship. He said he’s sorry and that the only reason he did it is because he’s been getting anxiety since we’ve gotten married and he didn’t know how to release it any other way. He feels stifled and stressed. Plus there are unresolved issues between our families that I think are really affecting him. We talked about ways to fix those issues and he shut everything down and told all the girls to stop talking to him.
He promises he’ll change and he promises he wants to be with me and he promises that he’ll never do anything like this again..but how will I ever know that for sure?
So now I am at work and sure all throughout last night and today I try feeling happy and try really believing we could work this out but then I think about it all again and can’t help to be heartbroken, cheated on, and so so disrespected. I have completely lost the trust and the unconditional love I once had for this person and this relationship that I thought could withstand everything. I lost my best friend overnight and I dont know how to handle it.
I just feel so sad 🙁
Post # 3
Member
2437 posts
Buzzing bee
@anonnnnn888: so sorry. you do not deserve that at all :(.
Post # 4
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
IF you stay together, you’re going to need LOTS and LOTS of counceling. I think everyone can attest to the fact that once you’re cheated on you’re whole relationship is sour. You become jealous, and he shuts down. I’ve even had friends in your situation where there was never physical contact, but they became insecure and a tad pyschotic. Seek professional help.
Post # 5
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
*hugs* I’m so sorry you have to go through this. No one deserves to be treated this way.
You only just found out about this so you need to allow yourself to be sad, upset, angry, anything you want to feel. It’s all totally normal! And it’s normal to be unsure if you want to salvage anything at this point… you need some time to heal before you can decide if you can allow yourself to trust him again after this. You said there are some issues in your marriage so if you do decide to go ahead and work on things then I would definitely recommend some counselling.
Good luck and huge hugs!
Post # 6
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
This is crazy! Will he go to counseling with you?
Post # 7
Member
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@anonnnnn888: This is one of the situations where he isn’t sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. He would still be doing it if you hadn’t figured out what he was up to, and who is to say that he won’t start doing it again? Personally I don’t buy that he didn’t meet any of the girls, and what he did was cheating because he betrayed the sanctity of your relationship.
This speaks to a bigger issue – when he’s feeling anxious/stressed/or whatever (which are just excuses in my opinion), he seeks out comfort from outside the relationship. His first point of contact should be you – he won’t resolve issues in your marriage by stepping outside it. I don’t think you are judging him too harshly at all – he made it clear your relationship was not a priority for him and you deserve better from someone who just said vows to you.
I am so sorry this happened – I am outraged for you. I hope that you make the decision that is best for you long term and not what feels easier now. I really believe in the premise of short term pain for long term gain. The rest of your life is a long time to live with doubts and resentment and trust is so hard to build back up once it has been shattered. I agree with a PP that you two would need counseling and only you can decide if it’s worth it.
Post # 8
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee
Wow, I’m so sorry you are going thought This!
But please don’t “try to be happy” the day after you just discovered this.. It’s not possible. Your life just got turned upside down. If you think you’re happy you’re lying to yourself and tying to sweep it under the rug, and that’s not healthy.
For me personally, my view on my partner would be forever soured, and there’s no amount of apologizing he could do to make me forgive him. Let alone after ONE day. IF you choose to stay with him, and that’s a big IF, give yourself time.. And space possibly.
Post # 9
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
@anonnnnn888: *Please* do not make excuses for him or take him crying to mean he’s truly sorry. He’s sorry because he got caught.
This wasnt him messaging one girl one time, his deception is pretty well-evolved: multiple girls, calling/texting, fake emails and even a fake facebook. I’m sorry OP but I do not buy for one goddamned minute this is about him feeling “stressed.” He’s being a player, plain and simple, and it sounds like he’s a pretty advanced one at that.
You might be able to excuse texting with a girl he used to know or something if he was feeling lonely…soliciting women online for photos and pretending to be single? You’re dealing with a grade-A douchebag.
I’d get out. Not only do I not believe there is any way you’ll ever trust him again, but I also feel that this behavior will continue.
Post # 10
Member
8434 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
*HUGS* I’m sorry you had to find something like this out, but at least you know what the problem is and you can move forward now. I personally don’t think that being stressed is an excuse to cheat. Sorry, but those two things don’t add up. People get stressed all the time and find other ways to deal with it. If that’s what he does when he’s stressed, what’s he going to do when he’s tempted? IF you decide to stay with him, he needs to understand that he has to bust his ass to earn your trust back. Anything less than completely transparent and honest is unacceptable.
Post # 11
Member
11533 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I believe your relationship can be fixed. However, I agree with some prior posters that you both are going to need some serious counseling after this. Also, and this is HUGE — your DH MUST have accountability not only to you but also to a third party, and that third party must be someone who is a man and who is very trustworthy.
If your husband wants to remain in his marriage and to try to move forward to make it work with you, he is going to have to be willing to surrender a lot of his privacy when it comes to his cell phone, iPad/tablet (if he has one), computer, e-mail, passwords, facebook, etc. He not only has to willingly choose to abandon these behaviors that have been destroying the foundations of fidelity and trust in your marriage but also he has to remove himself from the temptation to find new ways of doing what he has been doing.
You have a long road ahead of you, but I believe there is hope if you’re willing to forgive and he is willing to change.
I don’t know what your belief system is. However, if you are a person of faith, I would encourage you to talk with someone in authority at your house of worship. Also, I highly recommend two, online, faith-based resources that are designed to help couples build, strengthen, and repair their marriages:
http://www.familylife.com
http://www.randsomedheart.com
I wish you both the best in trying to rebuild your marriage. HUGS!!
Post # 12
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
Thank you all for your comments. It really means a lot since I just found out about all of this and am really not ready to talk to any of my family or friends about it. Its great to have support 🙂
Anyways, I just spoke to him and he doesn’t think he cheated. :/ He believes that yes he did wrong, and yes he was deceitful and yes I deserve to be super mad at him but he never had the intention of actually doing anythig else other than win the girl over and then drop her. Kind of like he needed the little victory. He was filling a accomplishment void. Does that make any sense?
We are both willing to go to therapy. We have had some fundamental issues that I think we were keeping quiet until now. I do not want to believe in divorce and I know it may be silly but I want to give him another chance. I just have to step cautiously for a little while…
Post # 13
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
You shouldn’t be making excuses for this man, I don’t believe in divorce, but in this case I would do it. He’s not going to be truthful to you, you caught him in a big lie. I am pretty sure anxiety about your marriage wouldn’t make any guy try to find another woman, this is all too fishy.
Post # 14
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
@anonnnnn888: hopefully counseling will get him to see that he did cheat. If it’s wrong enough that you hide it, and cry when someone finds out, it’s cheating
Post # 15
Member
4437 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@anonnnnn888: What anxiety has he had since you got married?!
I’m so sorry about this, but I see a real problem with him saying he’s sorry but not thinking he cheated. This is not porn, it’s communicating with women and even if he didn’t have sex with them this is NOT OKAY. It sounds like he’s getting over being sorry (which I agree with PP he only said because he got caught) a little too fast for it to be in earnest.
Best of luck OP, drag him to counseling ASAP.
Post # 16
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper
I’m so sorry.
Please always remember, it isn’t your fault in any way and you do not deserve that.
However you choose to deal with this is completely up to you. My advice is though to remember that you only have one life to live, limited time on this earth… and the world is full of wonderful people who would never, ever do this to another person. If you are a person like that, I think you deserve a person like that too. And I don’t believe it is ever “too late.”