(Closed) Never thought it would happen to me….:(

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@badabing88:  +1,000!!! 

Post # 33
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1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@interchangeable:  this. Something is wrong with this man. When I was young (18) and insecure I cheated on my ex with a friend bc I too wanted the validation. I’ve since grown up and know who I am and know you don’t treat someone you love like that for shallow validation and attention. You are supposed to do this BEFORE marriage! BEFORE proposing to someone! His behavior is so much more conniving and premeditated and frankly, downright creepy. He sought out “a little victory” by creating an alternate persona and repeatedly reaching out to who knows how many women for who knows how long  to get them to be into him and then drop them?! Pathetic. OP, you are a long time Bee. How would you respond to a post like this?

 

Post # 34
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1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@interchangeable:  Yes! I was just thinking that in my head while reading this thread!

OP, *hugs*  I’ve been cheated on before, but it was a long time ago, and we were only dating, so i can only imagine how you must be feeling. I remember how incredibly painful it was… how it affected my self esteem, how if affected my personality, how hard it was to trust again. 

And he doesn’t even think it’s cheating?!!?!

This is a huge insight into who he ACTUALLY is.

You had access to the emails and facebook, how long ago did it start? 

The horrible thing about cheating… whether emotiional, texting, etc, is that once the trust is gone, it’s GONE.  You will always wonder if he’s hiding something. You will never move past this. It will stay in your heart and wriggle in your brain every time he’s distant or stressed. *hugs*  My heart is breaking for you. You just deserve so much more. 

 

Post # 35
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Do you want to be with someone who gets a thrill from hurting others?

 

He must really lack self confidence if he needs to manipulate girls and attempt to break their hearts to feel better about himself.

 

 

hugs to you, you deserve better!!!!!

Post # 37
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

“the only reason he did it is because he’s been getting anxiety since we’ve gotten married and he didn’t know how to release it any other way. He feels stifled and stressed. Plus there are unresolved issues between our families that I think are really affecting him.”

Oh for the love of christ, give me a break. What a load of bullshit excuses. 

Let me tell you the truth: he likes to flirt with and jack off to pictures of strange women and he doesn’t care who he hurts in the process. And likely more.

Post # 38
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@badabing88:  *Please* do not make excuses for him or take him crying to mean he’s truly  sorry. He’s sorry because he got caught+1,000,000!

 

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@anonnnnn888:  

 You said it yourself…I have completely lost the trust and the unconditional love I once had for this  person and this relationship that I thought could withstand everything.

Post # 39
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Definitely get tested. He has proven deceitful. So, just because he says nothing more happened doesnt mean it’s the truth.

Creating fake accounts, conning multiple girls… He put a lot of work into this. I don’t think it’s likely that he will just toss the behavior aside…

Post # 40
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yikes! You poor thing – what an awful, awful revelation. This is something no woman should ever have to face . . .

Hard to know what to do! I agree with so many others that he is very unlikely to change these behaviors – they are elaborate and probably ingrained. Counseling may help, but my gut take on this is that any time he feels stressed again, he’ll start up with this crap.

I’m really at a loss for any meaningful words of advice, so I’ll just extend my empathy and best wishes that it somehow turns out OK for you . . .

Post # 42
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@anonnnnn888:  If you wanna give it another try, you guys need couples therapy, LOTS of it.

Post # 43
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@anonnnnn888:  I’m really sorry. I”m wondering if he wanted you to know? He gave you permission to get into that email…ya know?

Sometimes my Fiance does that…he will have me find out something in an underhanded way because he’s afraid to come out at tell me. And it may not be a huge deal. He’s just chicken sometimes.

 

I really urge you to get counseling. A few months ago, I found out Fiance (just then my boyfriend) had gotten an email message on Facebook from an ex gf and I think she asked him something like how is everything, or something else totally plain. He wrote back and said “Good. Things are great”. There was literally nothing to it. But to me, it was a huge deal because I do not talk to any exes and if/when someone contacts me, I immediately tell him. He chose not to tell me b/c he didn’t see it as a big deal, but at that moment I was really torn up. I panicked thinking I could never trust him. He realized that his pattern is when he doesn’t know what to do he does nothing. He’s currently in therapy to change this pattern. He also had to learn that in relationships, there need to be boundaries. Even regular, mundane actions can affect our relationship.

I’m not suggesting that your Fiance deserves any kind of a break for what he did. It was hurtful and wrong. But I have to say I believe him when he says he’s stressed and this is release.

I do suggest couples counseling. Immediately.

 

Hugs.

Post # 44
Member
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@anonnnnn888:  Best of luck! You are a strong woman for really trying to see the underlying issues, dig deep into the roots, and support your husband. Please protect your own feelings while trying to mend your relationship. This too shall pass..

Post # 45
Member
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

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@anonnnnn888:  good luck! It’s going to be a hard road, but sometimes those trips are the ones worth taking! Hang in there!

Post # 46
Member
3066 posts
Sugar bee

@anonnnnn888:  omg I am so sorry!!! That is a horrible thing to go through! I have a suggestion though – I would nto decide anything about your relationship now. Either you are angry and want nothing to do with him or your feel hurt/vulnerable and dont want to loose him. Go for a weekend trip by yourself or with friends and just think. Think if this is something you can TRULY get over and not have it affect your marriage in the future (of course that will take work and counselling) or if you feel its best to move on.

 

I dont know your husband so I cant speak for him but I can tell you my experience. I thought my ex was the most wonderful person. He treated me amazing and was so affectionate and open about wanting to commit for the rest of his life. and then i found the hidden email and it wasnt THAT bad but pretty suspicious. I was angry but he convinced me it didnt mean anything. He got on his knees, he cried, he made such huge efforts to make it up to me so I took him back. Months later.. I find he has been texting/using facebook telling girls he was single and living with friends (after he moved in with me!!) It did not end well.

 

Yes, people can change but in most cases they dont. And is this really what he does just because he is stressed? that is no excuse. NO excuse. and PLEASE do nt let him convince you it wasnt cheating because it was!! He pretended to be single, asked for naked pictures of other women, he cheated just not physcially (or so he says). My ex would always try to convince me I was over reacting and I wasnt. Dont let him mind f**k you! I am not sure how to tell if you can really know that he will/has changed but I highly suggest couselling and wish you the best of luck!!

 

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