(Closed) Never want to be a bridesmaid again

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

sorry to hear you’re having such a rough time as bm.  the list of things you’ve described having to spend seems fairly in line w/ what most bms are on the hook for altho i do admit it’s nice if brides give you the option to do your own hair and makeup rather than insisting that you pay to get it professionally done. is that something you can broach / discuss with her? if you’re spending a lot on everything else, i’m sure she’ll understand if you spend less on her shower / wedding gifts.  is there someone you can drive to the wedding with to share the expenses? she does sound disorganized without giving you invites / rehearsal times, etc. tho. maybe she’s behind in her planning or isn’t aware of what she’s sposed to do? have you asked her about it?

Post # 5
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Awe try not to get too stressed – If I were you I would just kind of go with the flow!

Do you know her parents – can you contact them about invitations/rehearsal dinner etc. Sometimes the bride is so busy she isolates herself; however, you wouldn’t think she would distance herself from the people who would help her (her wedding party)!

As far as the hair and make-up if she does insist that you can get it done I would politely remind her that you lost her job and ask her if she would be ok if you did your own! And if she is a good person she would agree or offer to pay for it herself if she really wants everyone professionally done!

I hope everything turns out OK! Good Luck!

Post # 6
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i agree she could at least buy you a nice gift.

Post # 7
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I don’t think you are being bratty – I’m with you on the gift. I struggled and struggled with what to gift my bridesmaids – they had spent so much money on me and all my parties and events that I wanted to get them something nice that they REALLY wanted.

I think some brides just get caught up in themselves and their time and think “well roseanna will get married some day and I’ll do all this for her so fair’s fair”. They forget that putting out that much money at once can be hard, and how much it would be appreciated if people thought about what they were asking of their bridal party.

At this point, you are just going to have to suck it up and do what you can. You may say to the bride that at this point money is tight, so you will get your hair done by a friend/at your own salon/whatever and meet up with her later. She probably won’t like it but you can’t go into debt over this!

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree all that sucks big time! I know those are “normal” things for bridesmaids to pay for, but I didn’t make my girls pay for their hair, makeup, or dress. Because I felt it was SUCH a financial burden, that I was willing to budget it out elsewhere. I felt really guilty about them spending $500 each on me and my conscious wouldn’t let me do it. But now I’m in these weddings paying for these things myself, too. Sucky! I love them, but my hard earned dough. *tear*. But you don’t have a job, I mean, whoa! It’s inconsiderate of her to expect this of you if she’s privy to your situation. Shoot, my friend gave me an “out” from the salon ($80 for hair and makeup) so my SIL can do my hair. SIL’s going to do a simple poufy bun or something. She’s a stylist though, so I guess that’s a cop out. But still, I couldn’t justify paying someone to do something that I could have done elsewhere for affordably. Could you do your own? Go to a hair salon for $25? Go to the Clinique counter at Nordstrom and let them do your makeup for free, then buy some foundation for touch ups?

Call your friend up. Just let her know it’s starting to add up, and since you don’t have a job, you’re getting really really worried. Ask her if she’d be ok with you finding alternative, affordable means for the other few items. At this point, I’d even scale back on the gift. Big time. Like a $20 gift and say “i wish i could afford more, i love you!” or something. I think it’s unreasonable for her to expect more from you considering the situation.

That being said, what a crappy gift. I made SOME of my girls’ gift (ok mom made the dress, but c’mon, free bridesmaid dress) but my jewelry skills are also exceptional and I used real freakin’ pearls.

In the end, EVERYBODY likes to be appreciated, whether it’s a nice hand-written note, an email or message halfway through that says, “hey i know this is a lot of money but i’m so glad youll be there with me, love ya!” etc. It doesn’t hurt to say thanks!  

Take control. Tell her if she doesn’t give you answers about times/dates/hotels, you’re going to take it into your own hands. Contact the other BMs and book something jointly! Ah, much cheaper, I promise! Then contact her mom and say you need an invite but dont’ want to bother her daughter, whos’ so busy, lol.

Sorry your friend isn’t more considerate! I know it’s “how things are” sometimes, but it’s not in the playbook I go by.

Post # 9
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow that’s not cool that she’s not giving a decent bm gift and she expects so much from you.  When I married my xh I at least paid for the  bm’s hair and makeup on day of and also got them a very nice gift too.  I plan on doing the same now.

Just do your best but let your friend know that you are out of a job and having to pay for so much right now.  Be honest to her.  I know I’d be understanding.

Hope you get another job soon and it’s better than the one before btw! 

 

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee

Firstly, the things i’ve learned you’re expected to pay for as a Bridesmaid or Best Man is dress, shoes, hair, travel, hotel, shower & gift, and wedding gift. When you agree to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, those are things that go without saying you must pay for yourself.

With that aside, i think it’s incredibly disrespectful that the bride is keeping you in the dark. As a bride myself, i go out of my way to make sure my girls know EVERYTHING thats going on!

I strongly think that you should talk to her, calmly. Planning a wedding is a lot of work & chaos. Give her the benefit of a doubt and maybe she honestly overlooked the whole hotel thing. Obviously don’t attack her, bc that will just cause a fight. But make her aware of the situation. And ask her for an invitation too, even as a momento would be nice!!

Post # 12
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

Just take mental notes as to what not to do when your turn rolls around.

And return the expensive gift. You’re unemployed and unless you’re starting a new job next week you cannot be spending money on unnecessary expenses.

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m sorry but I think you are trying to find a problem when there isn’t one… yet at least.  When you committ to being in a wedding you know that you will have dress, shoes, hair, make-up, bridal showers, wedding gift and possibly a hotel/transportation. 

As for her being MIA.  She may not know yet what the plan of events are.  It is still a few weeks out.  Give her a moment to figure out the details before you get all upset with her. 

And about the gift.  You don’t know if she is planning on making the jewelry and giving you something else on top of that.  And if she doesn’t big deal!  Just be glad you got something as a thank you vs. nothing at all. Like I have gotten before.

Ask for the invitations.  I just helped my girlfriend with her wedding invitations and guess who she forgot?! Me the Maid/Matron of Honor and her parents!  You just forget about adding the bridal party to the list sometimes.  Because you know they know the details.  Maybe it is just an oversight.  So ask if she has any for your keepsake like the pp suggested.

Post # 14
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’d put emphasis on the fact that you don’t have a job.

None of the brides for weddings I’m in have “made us” get our hair and makeup done. I would totally bail out if there was any leniency.

Regardless, how insensitive of a person do you have to be to say “sorry, tough noogies” when one of your closest friends come to you with money problems??? Surely she will understand and try to make this a little easier for you!

Post # 15
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Wow!  I am so sorry your friend does not see the financial impact of her demands.  I am paying for my bridesmaids’ dresses and treating them to spa treatments as a thank you.  I feel bad that they have to spend money to attend my destination wedding.  I would never make them get their hair and make up done either.  That’s so bridezilla!

Can you make an appointment at a department store to get your make up done? You can always buy some products then return them at another department store. Maybe a talented friend can help with your hair or you can just jazz it up yourself?  Can you split the cost of the hotel with another bridesmaid?

Please do not feel bad.  You are completely right, the bride is unreasonable.

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