(Closed) –New–reality check needed.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hi! Welcome to the hive. 

Reality check time: To me, it sounds like he’s not over her. If he’s still carrying around reminders of his past relationship then he’s not over her. It’s not like they were married, she died, and he carries around a photo of her. That is understandable. If they broke up because of distance, who’s to say he wouldn’t leave you if she somehow ended up closer? I wouldn’t be talking marriage with a man who is comfortable speaking so fondly about his ex to someone he is suppose to be dating. I know I would be pissed if Fiance told me that his previous girlfriend made him feel so good and she did this and that and he knew she was supposed to be his wife blah blah blah. 

Maybe you should cool down with the marriage talk and find out where he stands. Is he over her? Is he not? Would he leave you for her if she came back into his life? These are important questions because sadly I have seen it happen before. Good luck! 

Post # 4
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Exes are exes for a reason. I wouldn’t let her memory bother you- but I also wouldn’t really like a guy telling me this girl was “lightning” (unless he described me as like super charged lightning or something of that nature).Part of me thinks when men say things like that it’s to make their partner jealous so they feel more desired. Sort of like, “hey baby, look at this chick I dated before you. Yeah. She was hot. You’re a lucky gal to have me.”

  I’d probably have a talk with him about your feelings. Mention the engagement ring and find out why he still has it (if I had an engagement ring from an ex I’d sell it). 

  Insecurity is a pretty ugly monster- but no one wants to play second fiddle either. You have to go with your gut with this after talking to him.

 

Post # 5
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

This is not a situation I would personally be comfortable with.  It doesn’t sound like he’s over her.  I am curious why they couldn’t figure out how to move to be closer to each other.  What’s the story behind that that it was easier to break up?

When I met my husband almost everything was gone of his long term ex.  Except for a thing or two here and there found in the back in the drawer.  When it was found, he got rid of it because it was over between them. 

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Post # 6
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Was their break-up a mutual decision? Or was it his ex’s decision to end the engagement? Because I’m in agreement with Miss Tattoo, it really doesn’t sound like he’s over her.

Normal = keeping a few mementos from past relationships stashed in a shoebox or old journal/album

NOT Normal = keeping pictures, clothes, lotions, letters, receipts for presents for her, old GRE books/notes she studied with, postcards and post-its, and her engagement ring… wtf?!

Has he ever told you that you’re intelligent, gorgeous, or elegant?

Post # 7
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I totally missed the part about all her stuff in the apartment. I’d be uncomfortable with the situation you’re in. In fact, I may consider finding someone who didn’t have emotional baggage.

 My husband never had anything from exes (that I ever found atleast). I had an ex boyfriend who had a few letters tucked away in drawer he likely forgot about (I was so snooping), but that’s it.

Post # 9
Member
2767 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

wow I certainly wouldn’t want to be treated like that.  It wouldn’t make me feel very good.  Personally I think there is someone else out there that will treat you better – the way you deserve to be treated.  You deserve to be someone’s first choice.  I would leave this guy.  Or if you do want to stay with him you can, but I would definitely not purchase a house with him.  To be honest it sounds like you were a rebound and he would go back to his ex if she was closer.  I’d worry that he is just with you in the meantime until his ex is done with school or whatever.  These are just my thoughts based on what you posted.  I dont know the whole story though so take them with a grain of salt.

Post # 10
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

None of that sounds too good.  It doesn’t sound like he’s over her at all.  I think you need to have a serious talk with him and possibly take a step back from the relationship for a while.  He needs to completely move on from her, which means not carrying around reminders of her, not have pictures of her up, and not having her stuff all over his apartment.  That’s just weird.  I’m not saying that the two of you shouldn’t be together, but he needs to be fully available to you, and it doesn’t sound like he’s capable of that right now, because he’s still holding on to her.  I’m so sorry.

Post # 13
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ohh girl. I have been in this situation first hand. HE IS NOT OVER HER!!! I tried to be the one to show my ex that other girls were out there, but he was just totally in love/infatuated with his ex. All the same signs too- pictures, etc. Little mementos of her were everywhere. I never measured up, and never would. As a matter of fact, 4 years later, I am totally in love with my new Fiance, and he is still pining for his ex. Let me just say this, try to reverse the situation. Do you still feel the need to have pictures or mementos of your exes? Probably not. Because, you are over them and committed to your boyfriend. 

 

I really hope it works out for you, but I have also seen this exact situation go in a much different direction.

Post # 14
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am not sure why there are only 11 comments on this thread. And no original post either. So I am missing a lot of info.

Based on even the miniscule information I have about your Fiance keeping ANYTHING ex-related, is a BAD sign from all angles.

He is using you as a rebound. This is a toxic relationship.

Post # 15
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

What happened to the original post? 

Summary: She’s been with this guy for more than a year. When they first started to date he told her that his ex was like a lightning bolt. He knew from day one that she would be his wife. Apparently they broke up only because she lived in Brazil so the distance was too much. But he kept all of her letters, lotions, books she was studying, clothes, ect. 
She also found the old engagement ring tucked in his drawer that was engraved with some lovey stuff. 
Also, he told OP that he wants to marry her and buy a house with her but then turned around and said, “You aren’t getting a diamond from me anytime soon.” Also he told her that they were not far enough in their relationship to be talking marriage publically and they should keep it quiet. 
OP feels insecure because SO always talks about how beautiful and intelligent his ex was and how she doesn’t feel like she will ever live up to her. 

Post # 16
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I haven’t read the opening post, but read Miss Tattoo’s summary (thanks!) and feel like this is a big red flag. A few old letters or pictures kept in a box, fine. Clothes, books she was studying with, the old engagement ring….those things seem obsessive. It also sounds like he’s constantly talking about his ex in glowing terms, which understandably must make the OP feel a bit insecure. It doesn’t sound like he’s anywhere near over her and a serious heart to heart is in order!

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