Post # 1
My name is Sarah. I’m 23 and my significant other is 25. We started dating my senior year of high school. We’ve been together a little over 5 years. Fast forward, we’ve been through a lot together. We have two beautiful children. Our first was born exactly 9 months after my 18th birthday. We had to live with his parents for a short while so he was able to graduate college. Now we’ve been out on our own for a year and a half. He’s now working full time and I’m a college student:) We’ve known we want to be together forever since our 6 month anniversary. We looked at engagement rings in February.
Here is my dilema…I’ve had boyfriends and experienced different relationships and partners…He has had a few short term girlfriends and I’ve been his only partner. His parents have been miserably married for 27 (?) years. Before he met me he never expected he wanted marriage. When we first started dating I told him marriage was important to me and something I wanted with someone special someday. He has said that he now sees the importance in it and would like to get married. He has doubts tho. He’s afraid that someday we will grow apart or that we will change our mind about each other. He’s terrified of divorce and feels like thats the only reason his parents r still together. (because they won’t divorce). We talked about it and agreed that we would always work things out the way we always have. He thinks that we’ll get lazy and decide that since we r married we won’t feel the need to try. A.K.A. his mother has made sure to make his father miserable and she thourlghy enjoys it.
I see his point and we talked about it. I’m a person who enjoys personal growth and he is too. We talked about what we would do if we felt we were loosing our closeness.
His mind was eased and he wants to move forward with a marriage. I just can’t help but feel like there is a ton of “what if’s” in his head. I told him that if he didn’t want to get married that was ok but that it was so important to me that I couldn’t stay. I told him I don’t mean it as an ultimatum but that I couldn’t be happy without that because it’s just that important to me. A piece of me feels like he only wants to move forward to avoid losing me. Even though I stressed that I didn’t want him to make his decision based on that alone. I just don’t want him to regret it. He swears up and down that this is what he fully wants. He tells me how much he loves me. He says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he never anticipated getting married until he knew how much it meant to me so it’s difficult for him to make this shift. I believe the way he feels about me. I’ve never doubted that. I just don’t believe he has made the shift and I am terrified that someday this will bite me in the butt. Before you tell me to tell him all of this, I already have. He knows how I feel about all of this and that I don’t want him to feel pressured or obligated since we have children.
Am I wrong for wanting to leave if he doesn’t want marriage? I was up front about it before we even had kids. Should I just drop it and be happy with him even though marriage is that important to me?
So sorry for the book. Thank you for reading. I would appreciate any input.
Post # 3
It seems like you’re going through a really tough spot and I’m sorry for that! I’m amazed at the journey you guys have gone through and are still together.
I haven’t been in this situation so I can’t talk about personal experience but I can give you my opinion. I don’t think you’re being immature for wanting to leave if there is no marriage in sight. You don’t want him to be married and always thinking about a possible divorce, but in a similar way you would be accepting to live together and always thinking about marriage.
I’m sure you guys have talked about this extensively, but I think you should reassure him that you guys are a strong couple and that because you have been through so much you have already surpassed many obstacles that other couples couldn’t survive through. The experiences you’ve had taught you many things, but the experience of seeing his parents be so unhappy has taught you many things as well. It’s true that we learn a lot from other people’s mistakes. and because of this together you’ll strive to make each other happy for the rest of your lives.
I believe that marriage is something to be cherished and honored, but I don’t believe in staying in a marriage that makes you miserable. My husband always tells me “Stay with me forever, but if at any moment you stop loving me, don’t stay because you feel bound by marriage”. To me this means that he wants to be with me forever but that he doesn’t want me to live an unhappy and loveless life.
Maybe this is what your guy is thinking. Maybe he doesn’t want to have the possiblity of seeing you (or him) bound by marriage to an unhappy life. But you are thinking that the unhappy life is bound by NOT getting married.
You should talk to him and tell him that you want to live a happy life with him forever and go through many more obtacles that will be in your way, but that you won’t allow yourself to stay in a miserable, unhappy marriage if it ever comes to that.
I hope this helps! and good luck!
Post # 4
Thank You so much for your input! I think your are right. I love what your husband says to you. I just may need to steal that:) Thank you again.
Post # 5
You’re welcome! I wish you all the best!
Post # 6
hello! welcome to the bee!
so this is just my opinion…
You told hime that if he doesn’t want marriage then you would leave him because it’s that important to you.
From his perspective it’s YOU > fears/doubt
I would have a serious conversation with him about his reasons for going ahead with marriage plans, but when it comes down to it he’s choosing you! He’s had an epiphany! I think it would be unfair to leave him because he migh have those “what-ifs” floating around in his head.
If he’s said that he’s ready for marriage then I’d take him at his word.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some of those “what-if” moments. In our society where divorce and miserable marriages are more common than happy ones, it’s hard not to. That doesn’t mean I don’t have confidence or love or happiness in our relationship
Post # 7
Thanks Texasgirl29. I know..In the end he is choosing to be with me. I guess even I have what if’s. Maybe I’m just not brave enough to voice them. So..in a sense he was just putting it out there to work through before we get married. Thanks for helping me see form his perspective:)