(Closed) New and venting (Long)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I don’t really have any good advice to give you, but big hugs anyway. I can completely understand how frustrated you must be. Your SO is building a life with you and you two seem to be headed in the right direction. I’m not a very patient person myself, so I know having to wait for something you want is really annoying and discouraging. Can you try sitting him down and having an honest discussion of his fears toward marriage? Maybe you can discuss a reasonable timeline so you are both on the same page, if this hasn’t happened already.

Good luck. Keep your head up! Your turn will come.

Post # 4
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@NotablySidedJP:  

 

Hey girl! Nice to meet you! I just posted something similar yesterday! Check out what I wrote and give me some insight if you would. On a side note of what I wrote, which is about waiting for a proposal, I completely relate to you. I am 30, been with my boyfriend for 4 years now, he buys parts for his Jeep, golfs a ton, and fixes up his dirtbike so he spends a lot of money on stuff, but still no ring. Also, my 27 year old sister just got engaged to her boyfriend of  one and a half years. We live in CA, and she met this guy and moved to Oklahoma for him. When she told me they got engaged, I was the first person she called, and to be honest, instead of being a super excited, supportive sister, I was quite jealous. My best friend just got married too, and I was in their wedding. However, my best friend and her husband had been together for 8 years until they finally got married. He is a doctor and has been in school the whole time. Anyway, my point being, the right time will come for you. It sounds like you have a great relationship and life with your loving man. I try to remind myself that marriage is forever, and once you do get married and have the wedding, then you have your whole life to look back at it. Right now, the excitement of waiting can be frusterating, but it’s also exciting and mysterious if you think about it. We only get to go through this phase of dreaming he’ll propose once, right? That’s my advice, I guess I should take my own advice, lol! I know it’s hard to wait, I’m hoping for a ring for the holidays, but I kinda’ doubt it’s the right time. I know my time will come too, I’m just getting impatient, but the waiting is kind of exciting. Read my post and tell me what you think. good luck, keep me posted or write me anytime 🙂

Post # 6
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Welcome to the bee.

My SO bought some stuff while he was buying my ring, and I had the same reaction when I thought he was just “dropping the ball” — I was hurt, my SO even pointed it out, and then reassured me. I wouldn’t be surprised if your SO was interested in a ring and other things as well. I know that it may make you feel his priorities are backwards, but if he can afford both and wants both, it’s a possibility.

Either way, your future is in your hands as well. If you want to get engaged sooner rather than later, you need to speak up and tell him. Bringing up engagement is not the same thing has putting a timeline on it. “I would ideally like to be engaged by the summer of 2013. What do you think?” — I would say something like that he see what he says. I think two+ years is long enough to “make sure” you actually want to get married to the person you’re with. Tell him you don’t want to “waste time” if he can’t be sure after years together.

I think age also matters in the case. How old are you both? That may have something to do with it.

Post # 8
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@NotablySidedJP:  I feel your pain. I think you are handling it VERY well and I repect you for not nagging him! Maybe it’s time to sit down and talk to make sure he definitely wants to marry you. If he does, then simply ask what his timeline looks like. If you are both fincially ready and emotionally, there is no reason he needs to keep you in limbo. Looking at it from his point ( and the point I am pretty sure my SO is taking) he would be doing and saying all of this to throw you off. Maybe he wants it to be a complete surprise… which I am sure you don’t want to ruin 🙂

Post # 10
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would like to add that your friend who dropped you from the wedding party is a jerk.  That is a friendship-ending move.  Why can’t they have uneven sides??  They’re obviously just using their attendants as photo props if even sides are more important than people’s feelings.

Post # 11
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@NotablySidedJP:  I think timeline is the wrong wording! Maybe ” where do you see us in 2 years” or something along those lines. Or, I’ve said to my boyfriend something along the lines that I want to be on the same page as far as what we want ex.. wedding, kids, finances. If he is hesitant about a wedding maybe reiiterate thats what you want and you see yourself with him forever but you understand if he doesn’t want the same things… I think that would show you where his heart really is.

Post # 12
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@NotablySidedJP:  I gotta disagree with you on the timeline thing. I have a timeline that he brought up (finally–it was a huge surprise) and I feel 1000% better because I know he has something planned and I feel like I don’t have to worry now. You may or may not feel better with a timeline from him but it might empower you to make an internal timeline for yourself.

Post # 13
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@NotablySidedJP:  This part, “But a few months later and still nothing, I bring it up again, and he says that it’s a big decision and he knows plenty of people that got married too soon and it ended in divorce.” is a red flag for me.  Honestly, I would not have bought a house with someone if we weren’t both totally sure we were getting married (meaning, we were engaged and a date was set).  Were you under the impression that if you bought the house together, a proposal would be forthcoming?  If so, I think he’s mislead you…and if he’s still “deciding” whether he wants to marry you, I would move out and let him decide that with a little more space.

I’m not a “Rules” girl at all, but I do see this situation often on the boards and while I won’t compare you to a cow or talk about milk, I do think sometimes men get comfortable in a situation and have no reason to change it.  If he’s already getting to live with you, and have someone help clean, help cook, have sex, pay bills…what’s his motivation to get married?  He can be with you for the rest of his life without that piece of paper and without spending the money on a ring or a ceremony.  So he’s in no rush.

I think you just have to decide….are you okay with waiting around while he decides if you are worth marriage?  I don’t believe people have to get married at all, but I do think if YOU are wanting it, and he isn’t…it’s a problem.

Post # 14
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@BookGirrl:  Everything I wanted to say but couldn’t figure out how. Amen

Post # 16
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

Hugs I’m sorry he’s being so vague and indecisive about things! I can completely understand your frustration and especially since there is outside stuff affecting you too.

I agree with bookgrll that in a lot of cases (not all) the guy tends to drag his feet with engagement if you already live together. Sometimes he even drags his feet if you aren’t living together too, but since he has all the benefits of marriage he might be thinking why is it necessary to get married. I don’t understand the line of thought in that he wants to make sure everything is right if he’s been with you for over 2 years and hes living with you. Obviously if he can make that sort of big commitment and things are going well for you guys on that front, don’t see why marriage would change too much. I would mention that to him. How would marriage change what we have now. We both are obviously committed to eachother, living together is going well. We seem to be a good fit so what is the hold up? You are still very young so have some time so maybe give it a little more time like you said and then discuss what his fears are and tell him marriage is no different really

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