(Closed) New, anxious bee

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I could have written your post word for word 4 years ago… substitute residency for law school, and you’ve basically got the story down exactly.

I’m going to try and dig up some old posts I’ve written on the subject, but the short answer from my perspective is that ultimatiums are kind of daunting and not really taken very well.

We did a work sheet about communication in LDRs that I think might have saved our relationship about 2 years into it (LDR the whole time!)  After that, he moved to be with me and things started moving more smoothly.  At least we understood each others expectations better.

I was never going to push him, because I wanted to be sure that he was in exactly the same space that I was, but over time our timelines definitely came closer together (with some compromise on both sides).

Sadly, they’ve taken down the link to the site I recommend to people because the guy who runs it is deployed 🙁  I’ll look around for some resources.

Oh geez, and I almost forgot… Welcome to Weddingbee!

Post # 5
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Post # 6
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

Welcome to Weddingbee!

 

My recommendation is never give an ultimatum unless you are really ready to lose someone.   It sounds as if you are not ready, so the task at hand is probably to have that talk and make it as no-pressure and geared toward compromise as you can.   You might have to trade off living with a longer timeline in exchange for getting the committment to commit from him – know what I mean?

 

Meanwhile for your own well being, try to focus on what you guys DO have together. LDR’s are tough but everyone I know who hung in there and lived through it to be together had a VERY strong relationship for the experience so I think that pain involved will be worht it in the end!  I wish you the best of luck and am so glad you’re here with us!  We’ll help you get through it, too!  Smile

Post # 8
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I second everything Lorienne said..especially about giving an ultimatum.  On the practical side, as a recent law school grad, I think that waiting until after you have taken the bar to get engaged and plan a wedding is the best thing you can do. (Although I know you said Spring of the year you graduate).  I know several girls who were planning their weddings for directly after the bar exam, and unfortunately, they didn’t pass.  Take your time and enjoy your relationship as it is, as frustrating as that can be.  I hope everything works out for you.  And welcome (from a fellow new bee)!  

Post # 9
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Welcome to Wedding Bee!  I have also felt so many of the emotions you wrote about over the course of my 2.5 year relationship. However, I think you shouldn’t wait until your 2 year mark to talk about marriage. You have been together with him long enough that you owe it to yourself (and to him) to make sure you are on the same page about your future. I believe that its always important to “check-in” with the person throughout the course of your relationship to make sure that you are both thinking and wanting the same things in the near future. I also know exactly what you mean about relationships when couples have been together for 6 months or a year and then the guy proposed, so you wonder “why can’t that be us.”  I guess all relationships take their own course. Anyway, good luck to you and stay strong, but definitely talk to your bf about your feelings and your thoughts for the future. It won’t do either of you any good if you sense that you might have your differences but don’t talk them through.

Post # 10
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

I understand what you are going through.. believe me. I know the waiting is hard.. I am having a rough time myself. But I keep reminding myself this:

The distance is temporary and I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.. so even if I have to wait a few months longer than I want to… its totally worth it.

Post # 11
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

My DH’s Best Man’s girlfriend gave him an ultimatum, and he chose to walk.  She later took it back.  But she moved to Boston, then was upset when he didn’t dissolve his life in Cali to go live with her.  I think ultimatums are a bad idea because he may WANT to get married, but he may not be able to say WHEN that is.  Maybe talking more with your Boyfriend or Best Friend about some short term goals (like moving in together, or even just being in the same city) can really help.  Instead of focusing on an engagement, focus on other things that are important to you before you get married.  That could take some pressure off him while simultaneously moving him closer to you!

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