- 8 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
Hi! I’ve only been reading for a few weeks and haven’t posted yet but I’m getting so sick of myself that I’m hoping putting everything down on (virtual) paper will help. You all give such sweet, caring advice, which I know I could use right now.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 16 months. We first started talking about marriage at around 11 months but it was in a very oblique, roundabout way. We’re in a situation where there’s somewhat of a sense of artificial pressure because we’re long distance: he still lives in the city where we met, and I moved away last fall to attend law school. We’re able to see each other pretty frequently, but long distance just isn’t that fun. I’ve done LDR before and was reluctant to try it again but he insisted, so we’ve been doing it for about six months now. It’s fine, but I’ve made it clear that I do not want to graduate law school with nothing to show for it but a long-distance boyfriend: i.e., I need to make sure we are working towards a more serious commitment in order to make the distance feel tolerable. I’m planning to move back to the city where we met and where he still lives once I graduate school in 2012 and I don’t want to live together before we’re married, so ideally, we would be engaged by winter 2010/spring 2011 so that I can plan for a spring 2012 wedding.
However, I just don’t think that’s going to happen. I do think he wants to marry me but I am very, very worried that our timelines are completely different. He hasn’t said anything directly to make me think that but I have a hunch and I don’t want to ignore my intuition just because it’s telling me something I don’t want to hear. My big fear is that I will feel I have to give him an ultimatum, he won’t respond in the way I am hoping for, and then we’ll have to break up, because I know I can’t issue an ultimatum unless I am ready to walk. I love him very much and would be thrilled to spend my life with him, but having a family is non-negotiable for me and I wouldn’t feel comfortable living with him indefinitely/having children with him without being married.
My problem is that I find myself getting so resentful when I hear about other couples getting engaged, particularly ones who have been dating for a much shorter period of time. I know it’s so silly to compare myself to other couples but I feel helpless to stop doing it. I don’t nag him about a proposal, but I do find myself becoming cold, distant, and shut-off. When I heard about a friend of his who proposed after six months of dating, I wonder why he couldn’t have felt as sure about me as his friend did about his now-fiance.
I need some concrete way to not feel so resentful, anxious, and frustrated every time I hear about someone else getting engaged. I’m also wondering if my internal deadlines are a good idea: I’m thinking I will ask him about his timeline around our two-year anniversary (this fall), let him know that I am expecting something within the following six months, and then if nothing happens, breaking up. It would break my heart, but I have to do what’s right for me…
PS I am trying to do Mr. Bee’s plan which I think is just great, although it’s somewhat harder to implement since we are LDR!