(Closed) New bee here…I don't know what to do anymore. :'(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6222 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@incognitoLovebug:  I think that you already know the answer to this, and it really sounds like you are just with him becasue you always have been. The right relationship shouldn’t make you feel like this. If you do want to leave, I think you’re going to have to change up your life so tha tyou don’t get sucked back in- take a job in a different city, that kind of huge life change.

Good luck! I know this won’t be easy for you

Post # 4
Member
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Hey lady, I’m so sorry.  I definitely don’t think what you’re describing is normal in a long-term relationship.  For reference, I started dating my guy a full 13 years ago when I was 17.  We are more in love than ever… he’s constantly being affectionate, telling me how he loves me, doing sweet little things for me, making me laugh, etc.  We have really gotten our communication skills down well so that even when we do fight, we are usually able to resolve it at the time or at least be civil.  We just love love love hanging out together.

I’m so sorry that your relationship isn’t this way.  You say you’re both trying to make it work, but he sounds like he doesn’t care at all about you and treats you like shit.  I think you need to just pull the trigger and leave him.  You deserve someone who worships you and treats you well all the time.  Just do it!!!

 

Post # 5
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I recommend personal therapy. You sound like you want to leave but don’t have the tools to do so. The relationship sounds borderline abusive. 

The people who say they have weathered the good and the bad… the ones you identify with.. they have weathered the ups and downs and have come out happier. They’ve grown as people and grown stronger for it. What you describe (crying, cursing, threats, belittling) sounds like staying out of habit, and a bad habit at that. 

In addition to therapy, I recommend giving yourself a break. It may seem like you can’t break up with him, but what about taking a break? Absolutely no contact for 1-2 weeks to focus on yourself. 

Post # 6
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

you don’t sound happy so I think it’s time to move on.  

I’ve been there before…i was in a long term relationship from 15-22 and know the feeling of am I only here because it’s comfortable and we’ve been together for so long? We chose to break up and it was the best thing for me – as far as growing up, maturing, experiencing life and relationships, etc. goes. 

I must add the relationship Iw as in was a great one – we loved each other, cared for each other, it was healthy.  what you’re describing is very unhealthy and not a good relationship, which urges me to tell you to leave even moreso.

 

Post # 7
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I had a boyfriend for 8 years whom I started with at about the same age as you… it didn’t end well. And us not recognizing that it was over caused us to do really regrettable things and have it end even more poorly than it should have. Of course, that was our specific situation, but it sounds like you need to leave. The person you love at 16 is NOT necessarily the person you love as an adult, or the person you should be with.

Post # 8
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s clear to us observers that you and your boyfriend have grown apart; it happens a lot to young couples, because your personalities, values and priorities change very rapidly between the ages of 17-ish and your mid-twenties.  There’s no harm in admitting that you’re just two different people now, and that you’re probably people that do not belong together.  You need to move on.

You also need to not compare your future relationships with anyone else’s, because every man and every woman shows love, affection and romance in different ways. You may be so obsessed with him (future partner him, not your currrent guy) not pulling out your chair or holding the door open for you that you overlook all those other romantic sweet things he does.  But that is how you will know it’s love: when you can overlook the minor flaws to see the bigger picture. Like my Darling Husband never sends me flowers, and I could torture myself with that if I constantly compared myself to stories of other wives who get flowers twice a month “just because.”  But my husband always, always, always does the laundry and carries in all the groceries (it’s comical because he’ll have 9 grocery bags hanging off of each arm and will flat-out refuse to let me carry anything more than a roll of paper towels), and that’s his way of showing love.  You have to be able to recognize what you have, and not focus on what other people have, because there’s not a man in the world who isn’t “missing” some gesture that we ladies feel swoony for.

Anyway that second bit is more for your future relationships. Sites like this are disasterous for new relationships because they give readers unattainably high expectations. So keep that in mind. But for now, you need to break up with your boyfriend and move on.  

Post # 9
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@incognitoLovebug:  You should be with someone who is gentle, affectionate and kind.  You should be with someone who really loves you.

It sounds as though your relationship has run its course, as relationships sometimes do.  If I were you I would quit while I was ahead, meaning, you’re young and have a lot of time left to explore life on your own.  You have outgrown him.  None of this makes you a bad person (or him, either, necessarily) it just means it’s time to face that you need to part ways.

He isn’t being loving and kind to you now, so what is it you will be missing?  Security.  I get that.  You’ve always been part of a couple and now you’ll be single.  Single can be hard.  Single can also be glorious.

Fall in love with yourself and let yourself blossom into an adult, a woman who can stand on her own two feet, a woman who knows her own heart, soul and mind, and a woman who realizes that love is seriously lacking in her life right now.

Be loving and kind to yourself, too.  Buy yourself some flowers.  Become your own best friend.  Find some small ways to bring joy into your own life – without anyone else being involved.  What do you enjoy doing?  Do you like to read?  To go on walks?  Do you enjoy fine food or do you like music?  Whatever it is – realize this is your one chance to get it right, we only get this one life to live and your life does matter.

You do not need him.  You need you. 

Post # 10
Member
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Oh goodness.

Reading your story made me relive a portion of my life.

I started dating a guy, we will call him K, my senior year of high school. Things were great. Then I went away to college and he stayed home to commute to tech school. It was ok at first, but the more I tried to make friends and go out, the more controlling he got. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with guys, and if I did and he found out about it, the more names I would be called. The more times I would be asked if I was out f**king around. I “loved” him, so I transferred home at the end of my freshman year. Things progressively got worse.

Our schedules didn’t match. He had to be up for school at like 5 a.m., so he was asleep by the time I got off work, and on the nights I didn’t work, we still really didn’t see each other. He got even more controlling as time progressed.

Then he started talking to me the way your SO is talking to you. By this point, we had been together for 2 1/2 years. I stayed because I had lost my virginity to this guy. I loved him. I couldn’t and didn’t want to lose him.

Until things got way out of hand. I got extremely drunk at a party. He tried to get another girl to sleep with him-in front of my face. After that, I had enough. I broke up with him shortly thereafter. After we “officially” broke up, I found out he had cheated, at least once.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. We were on and off for about another year. I developed an eating disorder because his favorite thing to tell me was how fat I was and how much of a f**king whore I was. I stayed because I was comfortable, because he was what I knew. Being unhappy was what I had known. Crying and being yelled at all the time was what I had come to realize was “normal.”

I tell you all this because there is hope. There is hope that you can find a guy who loves you. Who wants to talk. Who asks about your day and does all the little things to make you smile.

I met my current SO, we will call him D, after the last time I let K call me a whore. I have done a complete 180. I’m healthy. I have a great relationship with D and his family. My family loves him and he is all around a great person. He shows me everyday how much he loves me. He is my biggest fan and I love him more than words.

Now that I’ve written a novel, please think about whether or not this is worth being unhappy for the rest of your life. You deserve so much more than tears and unhappiness.

Post # 11
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like you have both starting changing, which is very common in your early 20’s.

Personally, I think you need to take a huge leap of personal faith and move on and take some time to figure out who you are as a person.

Post # 12
Member
13292 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If you aren’t happy, someone says mean things to you, and makes you cry constantly, it’s time to consider moving on.   Try getting some counselling to help you through this, or confide in a friend.

Post # 14
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

His not cheating really doesn’t matter; if you’re no longer suited for each other, you’re no longer suited for each other.  Period.  He could stay faithful for the next 60 years and it would still be an awkward relationship at best, made up of people who are not really partners but more like strangers living in the same house. And that’s not the kind of relationship anyone wants to be in.

You need to embrace change, even though it’s scary at first; this will be a very big transition for you, especially given your age and dating history. You’ve never been through anything like this before, so it’s natural to want to cling to the past. It’s all you know, and an uncertain future can be scarier than the sucky reality you live in today.  It’s normal to want to make excuses for your unhappy relationship because it’s more familiar to you than not being in that relationship. It’s like moving out of your parents’ house for the first time, or the first time you quit a job you’ve had and actually liked for a while.  But you’ll get through those things and be happier for them, just like you’ll get through leaving this boyfriend and be happier for it.

I would most definitely recommend you spend at least a year single, maybe even more. At your age, you’ve not had a lot of opportunity to get to know yourself as a person in anything other than the context of a relationship. Don’t be in too much of a hurry to find a new boyfriend; play the feild, date around a bit, and really get to know yourself before dragging another man into the mix.

Post # 16
Member
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@incognitoLovebug:  Keep your head up girl. I am not saying it will be easy, because in all honesty, it isn’t. BUT if your surround yourself with a great support system, you will come out of this a better person.

I have a firm belief that everything happens for a reason. I feel I went through 3 1/2 years of hell to realize that I am a strong person and how much I’m worth, if that makes sense. 

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