(Closed) New Bee! How do I approach my SO about my waiting concerns? [LONG]

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@Polyphemus:  Well, seeing as how you live together, you have combined finances, you call one another husband and wife, etc., it may feel to him that marriage is not necessary. To me, it seems like you’ve skipped that step, and are living like the couples I know who have chosen  to not get married because they’re against it. If you’re already acting like his wife in every way, he’s probably wondering what the point in spending a extra money on jewelry, going through the stress of planning a party, and signing paperwork is. He has it pretty good right now–all the benefits of having a wife with none of the responsibilities. If you don’t give him a reason to want to change the situation, he’d be crazy to want to, honestly. Hopefully this can be as simple as sitting down and letting him know how much this means to you and that you’re starting to wonder whether he is actually serious about it.

But I’d definitely stop calling one another husband and wife. By doing that, you’re basically saying “I’d like to get married, but you don’t REALLY have to marry me, because I already think of you like a husband.”

No. Make him EARN that ish. 😉

Post # 5
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I agree with Effie- you have given him everything without having him give you a Marriage. I can see how him calling you his wife might be sweet, but if it were me, that wouldn’t fly at all. If he wants you to be his wife and sees you as his wife, he has to step up and take that next step- make it happen. I think you should be honest and talk to him about it. It doesn’t have to be some demanding ultimatum- just a little talk explaining that you want to spend the rest of your life with him and you want your commitment to be official and soon. Explain why you want to get married to him and ask him if he would like to also get married and when. If you want to be engaged in this calendar year, tell him that.  Until then, I would respectfully request not to be called his wife (because you aren’t), definitely not have kids yet, and stay firm about what you want from the relationship. Good luck!

 

Post # 6
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Polyphemus:  I think your best approach is to tell him in a calm way that marriage is still very important to you. Do not get angry or hurt, even if he says something like “I’m not ready.” Men tend to view this as just an objective statement, not a rejection of the relationship. My fiance went from “i’m scared of the future” to “will you marry me” in about 6 months.

Post # 7
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Is it not possible that he is currently planning a proposal? Do you get that vibe from him at all? I would hate for you to jump to conclusions that he isn’t planning to marry you just because he didn’t propose shortly after September. On the other hand, I know how difficult waiting can be especially when you know it should be coming and your have talked extensively about it. I think you can totally bring it up but definitely in an open and non confrontational way. Perhaps “go fishing” and ask if he needs any more suggestions on the types of rings you like. Or just straight out ask if you should be expecting a proposal in the coming months.

I think you have a right to know for sure, but I also think he has a right to plan your proposal how he wants. (I should probably take my own advice as I am not the most graceful waiter, lol)

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