Hi butterfly1967: first off I see that you are NEW to Wedding Bee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
I feel for you, you’ve come across a situation that is a bit of a sticky-wicket. Lets see if I can’t help you out…
I am a bit of Etiquette Snob… as I find it a fascinating topic, and truly when followed, can account for less DRAMA / TRAUMA in regards to one’s social life. Maybe I can help you understand the “traditional” guidelines that are applicable in this case, and WHERE and WHY they came to be
Back in the day, Weddings were HUGE affairs, in that families usually had to make significant sacrifices when a Daughter was to be married… the women in the family would gather round and help her to organize her trousseau which typically meant a significant amount of time spent hand-sewing household items (quilting, embroidering etc) and assembling the Bride’s wardrobe (most Brides leaving home with a year’s worth of clothing to get her thru all seasons). While Dad was busy, putting together the funds to organize a celebration for the couple… and then there was the concern of “entertaining and putting up relatives” who would come from afar. From a Guest’s point of view, there was travel, and a gift to consider. All-in-all a Wedding was a BIG DEAL… and a bit of a financial stretch for everyone.
Consequently, the etiquette surrounding Weddings was such that there was plenty of notice given for the Engagement Period, and as a consideration to Guests (Relatives) the family would if they had more than one Daughter of marrying age, that Weddings would be paced a good distance apart.
The normal Rule of Etiquette, was that the first child engaged, would pick their date, and if a subsequent sibling was to become engaged, they would allow the first engaged sib to choose “their date” first, and then they’d follow with their announcement… and choose a date a minimum of a season later (so if child one was to get engaged now, and chose June 2013, then child two would be looking at Fall 2013 or later).
Other than the possibility of a family hosting a Double Wedding for both children, this format allowed for the first engaged child to enjoy the spotlight, and the second child to not feel cheated out by discovering that relatives couldn’t attend because they already had made the trek for the first Wedding etc.
In modern society, and your particular situation…
I can understand, where your FDIL might be a bit ticked that you and her Dad are considering the same year, and season (thereby stealing her thunder… this is particularly a BIG DEAL for first time Brides)
As someone else said, from a practical point of view, you guys don’t have the same impediments or urgency to marry as perhaps someone younger such as your FDIL
There was a time, when second marriages were quiet affairs, where a couple slipped off and married pretty much anonymously (a quick trip to the JOP – Courthouse – Elopement etc). Although more often than not, this is not the modern situation today … in that there are more and more couples today that are remarrying wanting a more high-profile affair for themselves.
Of course this can make for hard feelings between Brides within the same family, as you’ve discovered.
So consequently, the old Rules of Etiquette for siblings are still regarded for many family’s as the best example of appropriate behaviour (a gap between Weddings, so that no two Brides marry in the same Season)
Honestly, for the best on-going relationship with your FDIL, you might want to fall back to the traditional Etiquette position, and choose to marry in another season after her BIG DAY
Short of a quiet elopement, that is what I’d choose to do…
The BONUS will be that it will probably mean that you and your FDIL will get off on a better footing no doubt.
Hope this helps,
PS… If your WBee Profile is correct, I see that you’ve chosen the Wedding Date of September 28, 2013… I would say this would be good if your FDIL is marrying in June or July. BUT if she has chosen an August Date, then I’d push your own date back to October or later.