- 4 years ago
Let me start out by saying I have been a lurker for awhile now and appreciate the advice that is given on here. I have been through most of the stages on here regarding my relationship ( lets call him M). M is 27 and I am 25. A little backround info on us. We have been together since I was 20. We met during college and were fast friends. We are very different, in that I am more outspoken and a go getter where as M is more introvert, shy and logical. He plans evertything out and leaves little room for spontaneity. Which has helped ground me and teach me to think things out logically and not based off my emotions. We have a lot of fun together, trying new things and traveling.
Fast forward to M graduating college and moving 2 hours away for a job in a different state. We began to see each other a lot less. Things began to get strained. He is a loner by nature, he loves space. He is basically the only child, he has a sister but he wasn’t raised with her and she isn’t really in the picture. I have two other siblings , my family is really close so i am used to being able to spend time with people. It’s really hard being away from him. I used this time to finish school, began my career and spend time with my family and friends. In general just figure out who I was.
We always talked about getting married one day, he always said he wanted to marry me. He wanted to have paid most of his student loan debt off (i have less then 8K), buy a house, traveled and been further in his career before marriage. I agree with that except for the fact it would take him atleast another 5 yrs to pay back his loans alone. I will be 30 then. I thought we should have lived together before marriage, I think it’s the best way to know someone and see them on a daily basis. His parents are very religous so this was pretty much out the question until we were married.
We went to counseling to help me be patient and to work on our communication. The couselor stateded because we wanted the same things but in such different times, it would only work if we compromised a great deal. I was willing to move to M, get an apartment and job where he was if he lived with me. He said he couldn’t do it. He then said we should get married sooner and then live with each other. I agreed and a couple months later he proposed. We were set to be married in august. To be honest I knew he really didn’t want to do it when he asked. He got on one knee, asked the question, I said yes, we hugged and he said he had to go and he went to his parents house. He asked because he was tired of the nagging and the questions from me and everyone else. He felt pressured because he knew I wouldn’t stick around forever and figured he mind as well. He didn’t help with the planning, he was not excited and it just was the worst expereince. One month before the wedding, I spoke to him as a friend and asked if he really wanted to do this, he said no. I called the wedding off, we didn’t speak for a few weeks.
Note to the waiting bees out there, wait as long as you can HAPPILY. When the days become bad and you see your sanity going out the window and he is talking that “when the time is right, or when I am ready” stuff. Walk away. Don’t break up with him, don’t fight with him. Take some time to yourself and regroup because at that point you are in a lose-lose situation. If you stay quite and pretend to be the best gf you can be, it sucks and resent begins to build. If you nag him, he will use this as an excuse to push it off or he will ask you and you will regret it because it wasn’t genuine.
Ok, here is my question, we have reconnected and have forgiven each other and are working on moving forward. I still think we should live together first and he still feels like we should wait until marriage. I thought about moving to him but not living with him. I just don’t see that working out. I have to move away from all my family and friends, and find /start a new job but he can’t live with me. He won’t move to me because he has a stable job. I’ve been with him for five years, I feel like he is stringing me along. Sometimes I feel like he wants to live his whole life before he is ready to get married. If I don’t move we will be long distance for the next 2 yrs probably (engaged in a year, married in 2, if things go well). I don’t know if I should go down that road and just suck it up for 2 yrs, should I move to be closer to him or should I leave it alone and move on and find someone who is ready. I appreciate any advice and stories that are realated to our situation.