(Closed) New-bee…It’s been 8 years and counting…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hmmmm.  Sounds like a similar story as my Fiance and I.  Started dating when we were 18, split up at the end of undergrad for a year, got back together and then I was super antsy about waiting to get married.  I was in the family pictures, we celebrated everything together, we lived togeher, were talking about buying a house togeher… he kep telling me he wanted to get married and that he just wasn’t ready yet.

He did propose and in a really special/awesome way.  We had been toghether 7 years when he proposed.

If I had to wait another year, I’d have been pulling my hair out too. 

I guess I’m trying to give you hope that even after a long time, they come around.  My super sweet guy did.  I just had to trust that he would do it when he was ready and that’s what he did.  I also had to face the reality that I wasn’t going to leave him if he didn’t propose since I loved him so much, so me stressing about it only put stress on the relationship that didn’t need to be there, since I wouldn’t actally leave anyways.

Good luck waiting.  He may be planning something and you just don’t know it.

Post # 4
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeahhh… I’m not going to make too many fans here, but I’ve gotta say it.

I think if you’re tired of waiting, then you simply… stop waiting.  Even if you tell him “look, I love you, but I’m moving forward with my life” you can still get back together and work it out!  Take a break, do something else, dive into a new hobby/interest…. without him and his family.  He knows you’ve got marriage on the brain (and apparently you’re dragging him ‘reluctantly’ to venues? Oh girl.) and that’s what you want, so… go find it.  If he wants this badly enough, he’ll come back and propose.  If he doesn’t, well then you have your answer, you have the relief of not wasting more time with the wrong dude, and have hopefully found someone else who does want to get married in the mean time.

I know this is easier said than done but seriously, take a step back and do what’s right for YOU.  No ultimatums, no timelines, no threats, no hypothetical venue searches… he’s clearly not ready, and you are.  So…. move forward, ya know?   You ask ‘what’s the hold up?’  Well, I’d say the hold up is that he doesn’t want to marry you.  :/ 

God that was bitchy. I’m sorry.  But it’s true… things usually turn out exactly how they’re supposed to.

Post # 5
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@KristenGotMarried:  Yeah, I know you mean well and so do I but really your advice is spot on.

Post # 6
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

  While I understand what @KristenGettingMarried: is saying, I also think men just think about things differently.  I’m waiting too and I know it sucks.  Your in a similar situation to one of my good friends, she and her bf have been together 8 years, since high school, and she is wondering what the hold up is too.  Because I’m good friends with both, he and I have had lots of conversations about it, and he absolutely wants to marry her.  I think we, as women, get so caught up in the lovey/dovey aspect of it, whereas men see all the time and costs that planning and having a wedding are.  And even though my friend tells him the ring doesnt matter and all that, he knows she’d really love a gorgeous ring and big, beautiful wedding, and I think he’s waiting until he feels financially that he can give her that.  A lot of men seem to feel that way, they want to be secure everywhere else in life before engagement/marriage so that they can provide for their family.  And sometimes, even though I’m sure he loves you, the thought of forever is just plain intimidating, and he may need more time to adjust to that :/  Sounds like the two of you are still relatively young?

Post # 7
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m going to temper the PP’s post by saying he doesn’t want to marry you…. NOW.  He still might, but ‘ll have to take a guess that ou’re both about 26-ish… meaning he might still be a couple years shy of the magic age when guys stop living the ‘college’ life, when their freinds start to get married, and they start to get marriage on the brain, too – around 28-35.  I’m in a similar boat, dating since 19, his family IS my family in all but leagal fact, bt the more they push, the harder he resists, so the harder they push, meaning well but seriously messing things up.  We’ve had a lot to get through, and I can honestly say I wasn’t ‘marriage-anxious’ until about 5 years ago, so I guess I’ve been ‘waiting’ only about that long. Also, it hasn’t helped that thought we’ve been together the longest, all of our friends have gone on to get engaged and married -we’re the last couple, save one.

I’m still with him becaue I love him and I can’t reconcile the idea of wanting to marry my Boyfriend or Best Friend with the idea of simply wanting to marry anyone.  If I love him, flaws an all, and want to be with him, then I have to stay as per my own ideas of love and comitmment.  If I honestly will accept the next warm body who comes along and might offer me a ring and a new name, did I really love my Boyfriend or Best Friend in the first place?  

I know some ladies are able to move on and find what they want, and I know a lot of guys are terminally not interested in being husbands for a myriad of reasons.  I’d reccomend setting benchmarks in your own head – you’ve given the Boyfriend or Best Friend your hopeful timeline and pushing or nagging him won’t make him more excited about it.  Men like to feel they’ve arrived at a decision on their own, and unless they marry right out of college or high school they tend to be closer to 30 when they are intersted in it.  Unfortunetly, it sounds like you’re really close in age, like my Boyfriend or Best Friend and me, so you are going to be ready a while before him – if you were with an older guy, there’d be a greater chance of him being ready when you are. 

He knows what you want, look up Mr. Bee’s plan on here to maintain your sanity until you reach your benchmarks/timeline date of reassessment.  Try to live day to day as if it’s not a big concern – don’t plaster the house with wedding pictures 😛  Give him some time to come around – but make up your mind how you will feel if a year comes and goes without even a proposal or a move in that direction.  I agree with not issuing ultimatums, they are simply a poker bluff on which you can easily be called.  If you think the relationship could survive a seperation of sorts, ie, moving out if you live together, the do so by your personal deadline.  If as it approaches you want to share with him your intentions, then do so so he has a chance to amn up and step up… but you don’t want a guilt proposal, a ‘shut up’ ring or to wonder forever is he even really wanted to marry you. 

I wish you luck, and think in many cases being honest like you have and then holding back 90% of the engagement and marraige questions you will be bursting will maybe egg him in the right direction without pushing him away by seeming to nag.

Post # 8
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

It really seems to me that he’s gotten comfortable and already maybe even sees you as his wife but doesn’t know that he does.  

I’ve never doubted my SO’s love for me, nor that we would get married, but he was pretty mum and resistant to marriage talk for like 5 years, so I felt pretty insecure about my convictions.  I finally told him that I had huge concerns about picking his city after grad school when I could go somewhere with more opportunities and that the only way I could see myself choosing his city is if there was more of a commitment from him.  It wasn’t an ultimatum, it was just a “hey buddy, I have MY life that I am going to live until it’s OUR life, so get going and find a way to make it OUR life so I can happily move to your city and be with the man I want to be with!”  He understood (hell, he was the one who sensed I was feeling this and asked me if I was unsure about moving without commitment) and things have been tooootally different from him since that conversation (on our 6 year anniversary no less!).  

It’s basically Mr. Bee’s “plan” but in a different way.  Live YOUR life like it’s YOUR life until the day your dude makes it your life together.  It’s super attractive to a man when a woman is her own person who can steer her life on her own.  I think some guys fear that they will have to steer the ship for 2 people and want to see that marriage will be a partnership.  Right now, your guy has all the power in your lives, find a way to take back your power!

Post # 9
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have your answer.  He said he isn’t ready to make any concrete plans.  What worries me is that you say you’ve had “the talk” many times–so he knows this is important to you–but there is no reasonable explanation for the delay or when he thinks he may be ready. With that in mind, bringing him to look at venues with nothing other than a vague “OK” from him about you saying you want to be married by next year probably isn’t the best idea. The family aspect (where even the Moms are on his case about it) and the fact that he hasn’t officially proposed yet might be freaking him out about this whole thing even more. Sounds like it’s time to stop all wedding discussions, go ahead with your life as if he’s not in it, and let him worry that perhaps you aren’t gonna wait around forever!

Post # 10
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

@KristenGotMarried: I completely agree- if you are tired of waiting, take your power back and stop waiting. It is harder said than done but after 8 years with no valid reason why there is a hold up- I personally wouldn’t waste any more time. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he will come find you with a proposal. Shame on him for takign so long and not giving you a valid reason why.

Post # 11
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

I am where you were 4 years ago, currently. I just graduated college and my bf and I have been dating for 4 years and a couple of months (but who’s counting haha). I recently decided to go back to school for my Master’s Degree here in CT, but my boyfriend got a really amazing job offer in Erie, PA. Both of us WANT each other to do what we need to do, but I know that having a long-distance relationship for another 2-3 years is going to be beyond stressful on our relationship (especially as I am watching my friends’ relationships move forward with engagements, etc.).

I don’t think I want to be getting married at the moment (I just happen to love weddings which is why I’m on this site, and I intend to marry my current boyfriend, so it’s fun to think about), but I do want to see forward progression.

 

I guess what I’m really saying is that your situation is actually giving me some hope that it’s possible to get through all of this. Your time will come. Some men just have to be 100% certain as well as complete in themselves before they make such a huge commitment. It will make it all the much better when he proposes and you know that you are the only one for him. I think a lot of people on these boards sometimes forget that it’s not just about what the woman wants…you don’t want a proposal from a man who just isn’t ready. That never ends well.

Post # 12
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

My aunt went through something similar. She’d been with a guy she was madly in love with for I think 4 years or so. She got to a point that she wanted to get married and he didn’t, so she ended it. He begged her to come back many times, and each time she’d ask him if he was ready. When he said no, she said she wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t want to get married. Then, she met my uncle, her husband of 22 years and was engaged to him 4 months later. She stuck to her guns as hard as it was, and despite how much she loved the guy, and found her perfect match and the love of her life when she wasn’t being held back by someone who wouldn’t move forward with her.

Post # 13
Member
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

This is hard expecially when your families are so close. You have to be straight up with him!! You have to tell him your concerns and talk about marriage, seriously. If this is the man you want to marry you have to be able to be honest and have good communication with him. 

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