Post # 76
I think its very smart and responsible she asks about this now since the financial aspect may be an issue for her already in the beginning, because if finances are this important to her she should decide now before she gets attached to him and meets his kids and his kids get might attached to her and she decides the financial obligation is an issue for her. She most likely hasn’t met the children yet if its this new.
OP, I have to say since you said you’re new to this and have no one to talk to I am shocked you’re asking about the financial aspect of dating a man with kids and not the supreme difficulty of helping raise children and blended families and all that! There are step parenting forums, you may want to read a little about it to see what you’re getting into, its so much more than money.
Post # 77
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
I wouldn’t get into a relationship with someone who was struggling financially due to to anything, including CS. It speaks to his character that he is paying and helping support his kids.
im assuming $1400 is a lot of his pay. It’s early in the relationship to decide if it’s worth it to support him financially if things were to become serious. If the kids are older then maybe it wouldn’t be an issue forever but if they are small they’ll only get more expensive as they get older.
dont be like my ex’s gf. She’s been “engaged” to my ex for 5 years. Quit school to stay home when she got pregnant and now they have 4 kids in addition to the 3 he has with me. One one income and he pays me child support. It doesn’t sound like an easy life or easy to leave. If you’re young maybe pass on this guy if you’re worried about his ability to support himself or contribute to any joint household you’d have in the future.
Post # 78
“Assuming the amount doesn’t get re-evaluated, that’s $16,800 per year x 18 years = $302,400 GONE.
Treat it as entering a relationship with somebody who has a ton of debt. That money is not going towards shared expenses or a shared future, a large chunk of his budget is going to his previous financial obligation and if you stick around, you’re going to be impacted.”
This is a cold way of looking at it. This is not the same as a relationship with someone who has “a ton of debt,” and his children are not “previous financial obligations.” They are his current and future obligations and they will hopefully be with him for life, which is something positive in the way that a “ton of debt” isn’t. I also argue with the idea that the money is GONE. It’s not. It’s going toward the development and care of small human beings that he helped create. How is that not a worthy place for his money? And how is money put toward his children not also toward your shared future (unless you plan to have nothing to do with his children, in which case see advice above)?
Post # 79
I know people don’t agree with me, but I still feel that the priority needs to be the kids. Even if the parents have been seperated for a year or more, in a kids eyes, it is still difficult. I can’t imagine bringing a new relationship to my kids only a year after seperating from my husband. I would look at it as a relationship is time and money spent away from my children who really need extra TLC during a divorce. Putting kids before yourself is the Hallmark of parenting. These few years following a divorce are the most important. Kids should be in counseling and getting as much time and emotional support they can get. Every other weekend, and once a week is not much. My husband travels 3 days a week for work, and even that is hard on my kids……
Also, child support is not debt. It is providing financial support to lives that a person helped to create.
Post # 80
Raising children is obiously difficult but with time and practice that experience will come. No one knows how to raise children until they have them. He obviously is doing the correct thing and I wouldnt have it any other way. With this post I was hoping for personal life experiences others have had with this, its easy for everyone to have an input and I appreciate all advice.
Post # 81
honeyhoney2717 : “as a mother….” lol get of your high horse, you have no idea what his separation/divorce situation is.
Post # 82
ktsteimel : You don’t know me, or what MY personal situation is. The OP asked for opinions, and that is what I gave her. If you take issue with what I wrote, then don’t read it…
Post # 83
honeyhoney2717 : I was legally separated 8 years before my divorce was final. I was not putting my entire life on hold, including having another child. As it is my kids have 7 years between them. Waiting longer would have been ludicrous.
Post # 84
penny1403 : why are you attacking me for my opinion? That is how I feel, and what I would Personally do for my kids and my family. Everyone parents differently, and does what works best for them. The OP asked for opinions, and that is what I gave, MY opinion. To each his own…
Post # 85
I’m still legally married and I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year–situations can be complicated. In mine, we’ve been separated for 4 years, living separate for over a year. We can’t get divorced until the adoption we’re petitioning goes through for me to adopt his older daughter goes through, so legally married we remain (it’s been 10 months, hopefully it will be finished this month). When we go to file legally, we have everything already separated and so it’s just a sign-off from the judge. He’s been dating a year and a half and it’s there’s no shadiness.
To the OP’s post–I have two kids and split 50/50 custody with their dad and I didn’t want to date anyone with kids because I didn’t want the potential drama–it’s why we didn’t move forward with officially divorcing earlier even though we haven’t been together. I ended up giving my boyfriend a chance. He has 50/50 custody as well, so we don’t have child support on any side, but even so we have half of daycare to pay for each of our kids except my oldest, which is $900, plus all of the other kid expenses when we have them. More importantly, we have a blended family and thankfully it has all worked out to where we’re on the same page raising them and are all friendly and can do things with the kids together.
I think the biggest things to focus on are: Is he financially stable? How is his relationship with his ex? Why does he have less time with his children than her (not necessasrily something wrong with him, I have my kids overnight more as my ex leaves for work at 5am)? Where would you fit in with his family?
You’ve only been dating for 3 months, but make sure that the answers to those questions don’t have any red flags or make you uncomfortable. Do you want to be a parent? Even as a stepmom, you are responsible for being an adult role model even if you’re not calling the shots.
Post # 86
It’s honorable and wonderful for his kids and ex wife that he pays child support.
It will drastically affect your life and the future of your relationship. I’ve been there done that. I wouldn’t do it again.
Im not sure why anyone is mad that you’re thinking About this.
Post # 87
I refused to date a man with children for this reason. There are tons of awesome guys out there without children, it’s not worth the stress and financial strain IMO.
Post # 88
He should absolutely be taking care of his kids and paying child support, that isnt even a question. But you are certainly allowed to consider how this may effect your financial future as a potential seriously co-mingled financial unit. This debt/obligation/investment, whatever anyone wants to call it, to his kids does or will effect your lives. 1400/month, nearly 17k a year… how many people don’t/can’t even afford to contibute that to their 401ks for their retirement. If he makes 3k/month and has to pay 1400, that’s a big deal. If he’s making like 10k/month and pays that, maybe the effects of the payment arent as severe. Call it selffish if you like, but personally, I would not have actively chosen to let it get this far with someone with young kids and big child support payments.
Post # 89
josie7 : That’s a shame! In my state, it depends on the judge. My coworker was able to get 3 nights/week with his kids which I guess is really good.
Post # 90
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
honeyhoney2717 : I respectfully disagree. After a separation or divorce you may have been unhappy for years and it takes less time to get over the end of the relationship if you were ready for it. Don’t get me wrong being on the other side can leave you devestated but in either situation there’s is no right or wrong time to meet new people and date. When youre ready is up to the individual. Joint custody leaves you with a lot more free time than you had when you were married with kids all the time. It can be lonely and there’s no damage to the kids if you date while they’re away. Distractions can be good when you’re healing. You might meet a nice friend or a casual relationship or something more. What you do when the kids are away is for YOUR healing, which makes you a better parent for taking care of yourself and your emotional needs.