New Boyfriend Child Support Payment Advice

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 106
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

penny1403 :  not condemning you.  I Read your past posts and you and I choose To make different decisions with regards to parenting. I dont Judge you for how you live your life, it is just different from how I live Mine.  If you are happy and confident with your life choices, then why do you care about how I choose To parent.   Not condemning you, or anyone else.  Just my opinion on what I WOULD DO!  

Post # 108
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

honeyhoney2717 :  Princess you don’t have a clue what single parents deal with or how they prioritize their children in their lives, but you’re quite happy to sit in your quite happily long term married high horse and preach to people who are splitting from their child’s parent that they should sacrifice themselves in martyrdom on the pyre of parenthood. 

They couldn’t possibly have any sort of identity out side of parenting. There couldn’t possibly be any situation other than sacrificing themselves completely, their mental and physical well being as well as any chance of companionship in their lives, because they couldn’t possibly be able to build a relationship outside of their children. 

Your ignorance is astounding, as well as your preaching for something you know zero about. 

So yes would you like a cross to complete your martyrdom or would you prefer viking style and to have a bonfire?

edited to add: Just cause you deleted your bitchy comment didn’t mean I didn’t see it, and yes you’re judging the shit out of people who dare to have a life outside of their children or even try to rebuild their lives and have blended families. It’s a shame you don’t have the balls to stand behind your bitchy comments!

Post # 109
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

DaniGirl03 :  I don’t have a clue what I am Talking about?  Sweetie pie, I LIVED it as a child and know first hand the damage it causes.  How dare you tell me what I do And don’t know.  You don’t know me, or what my upbringing was like.  You bet I put A high priority on my marriage and my kids.  Want to split up and race into another relationship to make YOU happy versus putting 100% of your energy towards your kids, Be my guest.  Do you.  YOU have no idea the long lasting damage that can do to children. But then again, according to you, I dont Have a clue, and am on my high horse.  If you lived my life, you would have a very different opinion.

 

i am curious to know what your personal experience is with all of this.  Since you are so quick to claim it is something I know “zero about”  unless you lived it as a child, you know nothing.

 

edited to add.  You are one nasty person.  Get off YOUR high horse.  Find some happiness in your life and then you won’t need to make assumptions about others.  I will Happily tell you the tale of MY childhood.  Get your popcorn ready. 

Post # 110
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

 I did delete my comment because I thought It was over the top.  That I will Agree to.  Relax.

Post # 111
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

honeyhoney2717 :  Here’s the thing your not seeing/getting there is a huge difference between leaving a marriage and leaping to a live in serious relationship and reentering the dating world, spending time being an adult when your child is not with you. Divorce can and does take years, especially when children are involved. But in your opinion a parent can’t possibly have any sort of adult relationship or date while they’re going through a divorce. 

Your comments have come off extremely judgmental that anyone who could possibly have any sort of relationship while they’re going through a separation or divorce isn’t prioritizing their children. Several people have pointed it out to you, and yet you’re still not seeing that you’re being incredibly judgmental on your high horse.

You may have been the child with parents who divorced, but there are a lot of bees including myself who live as single parents or as part of blended families, we live that reality, we actually know what we deal with as adults, and you really don’t have a clue what it’s like at all. 

Post # 112
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

DaniGirl03 :  I lived it, yet have no clue..  hmmmm…..ok.. so you being a single parent know exactly how your kid feels?  I highly doubt it.  I was The kid, and I know How a kid may feel.  Whatever, I am Done.  

Post # 113
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee

honeyhoney2717 :  I am a child from divorce. Knowing my mom was an adult and had an occasional night out, certainly didn’t mentally break me. We looked forward to having our favorite fun babysitter. My mom choosing to date, never meant that she loved me or cared about mine and my siblings mental well being any less.

A good parent is a good parent, whether, they’re married, divorced, never married, straight, gay or polka dotted. A good parent always has their child’s well being at the top of their mind. It doesn’t mean that the years I spent as a single parent dating or in relationships took away from my love for my daughter, nor does it tell her that she isn’t my priority. It means I am an adult having adult relationships that don’t include my relationship with my daughter, and as an adult I can choose when my adult relationships will involve my child. 

You appear to have zero compassion for anyone who puts their child through a divorce or separation and then choose’s to have an adult relationship again. I genuinely hope you never find yourself in the situation several bees here have where they watch their happy marriages crumble and have to rebuild their lives. Because I’m sure if you did you would throw yourself face first on the flaming pyre of mommyhood. 

On and by the way, if you want to start off by calling me a bitch, I’m going to treat you like a bitch. 

Post # 114
Member
816 posts
Busy bee

honeyhoney2717 :  my son didn’t care that I had a dating life outside of the time he was with me, in fact he was mostly unaware of it until I introduced him to the person who is now my husband, and he loves his stepfather… Who I probably wouldn’t have met if I died on that “single parents shouldn’t date” hill. But what do I know, I’m just a shitty remarried mom that chose to have a dating life after leaving my ex lol 

Post # 115
Member
6842 posts
Busy Beekeeper

honeyhoney2717 :  Yes, you are nuts.  He isn’t even divorced yet, has kids, and is out dating someone else?  Sounds like a loser to me…  plus, $1400 a month as far as I am Concerned is not that much for child support.  Kids are expensive.  

You are being very bold stating that his child support could limit your lifestyle..  so his kids should suffer because he now has you?  Selfish, selfish, selfish

He should be more concerned about his kids, and getting them emotionally adjusted to their parents splitting up, and less worried about his dating life.  A lot of red flags here

________________________

Not condemning you, or anyone else.  Just my opinion on what I WOULD DO!

 

Yeah, that post isn’t judgemental or condemning at all *eyeroll*

Post # 116
Member
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I dated a guy with kids years ago. My advice would be, not to get deeply involved with him until the payments and his finances have been settled and he has been doing it for awhile, at least a year. 

Don’t get involved with his finances, don’t “loan” him money, don’t pay for things for the kids when you are with him on his visitation times, if you are. He has to forge the way as a child-support paying, visitation-having dad, with no outside influences or help. The only people involved in it have to be him, his ex, and the kids. 

In my experience years ago, it was too much. The guy couldn’t get his stuff together, and he was a walking disaster. I had to drop out of it and I have never regretted doing so.

Post # 117
Member
1735 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

asaw :  Girl, you’ve only been seing him for 3 months. I couldn’t care less what his child support payments are – because I’m not paying them. And I wouldn’t know where the relationship was going that early on. Now having said that, I think the bigger question you may be trying to ask is do you want to marry somebody that has children from a previous relationship and eventually taken on his child support payments if you join finances? Only you can answer that.

For me, that decision would largely depend on my age and where I was in my life. At 26 years of age like I am now, the answer is absolutely not. I would prefer to start my life fresh and experience “firsts” such as getting married, having children, etc. with my significant other – I’m young and that’s very much still an option for me. At age 46, I’m sure my answer would be different.

Post # 118
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

lulubelle2017 :  Definitely! I think there are so many factors that go into it. 3 nights per week is almost 50/50, so that’s great. My Fiance and I have done a lot of research and talked to lots of lawyers and our state is what they call a “mom state”, meaning that they will usually favor the mom, even if all other things are even. It’s interesting to read about, and obviously a really polarizing subject, because a lot of people have their own different experiences with it! 

Post # 119
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

bluecutie00 :  asaw :  exactly!

fwiw, i think you’re 100% smart to consider whether this fella’s life and its requirements will work for you long term.  i don’t understand the posters who reacted as though you’re “counting his money”, or overly concerned with his finances.  if dating doesn’t include understanding (and deciding whether you’re okay with) substantial, ongoing financial requirements of your partner, i’m not sure what dating is for.  

as far as personal experiences go, i dated men with young children.  i wouldn’t do it again. ultimately, the kind of father i would want a man to be was incompatible with him being the kind of partner i expected, unless the children were also mine.  i’m okay with missing dinner because our child wants to talk. i think dads should definitely build forts in the living room when asked.  does that mean i’d be okay with my partner skipping my plans or staying in his ex’s house late? no. not at all.  would i want to have children with a man who left his kids for date night? no. not at all. 

it isn’t immaturity to pick the partner you want. it WOULD be immature to sign up for something you’re not okay with and be resentful after the fact.

it isn’t a crime to be selfish or self-interested.  who the heck are you dating for if it isn’t for you? you didn’t have his kids. you don’t have to change your plans or sacrifice time/ energy/ anything for them… unless you CHOOSE to.  there’s no martyrdom award out there for the most selfless dater.  

if you choose, you can decline with clarity and kindness.  if you are happy to develop a relationship with him, do so.  but don’t let anyone con you into thinking that because children need things, you’re supposed to be prioritize them over what you want- unless you’ve opted into that role.  they aren’t your children, but this is your life. 

Post # 120
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

honeyhoney2717 :  But you are strongly implying that those who would choose to start dating before their divorce is finalized aren’t putting their kids first…. finalizing a divorce can take many years after a separation, someone who chooses not to wait those years to start dating isn’t “not doing whats best for their kids”.

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