Post # 121
honeyhoney2717 : “I know people don’t agree with me, but I still feel that the priority needs to be the kids.”
No one said his priority shouldn’t be the kids. You’re backpeddling to make your perspective sound better because you know that it’s pretty ridiculous to say that people shouldn’t date for possibly years and years until a divorce is finalized.
You’re aware that one party can refuse a divorce for a while (years), and that the other party may have to serve them with papers to get divorce proceedings to begin? Do you know how often that happens, how often one party won’t get officially divorced? It could be several years. The person pushing for the divorce doesn’t have to put his romantic life on hold for that.
Post # 122
FutureDrAtkins : “Am I wrong to think he shouldn’t nose dive into a serious relationship until he’s finalized his divorce? I’m usually not old fashioned, but IMO, it sounds like he’s rushing things.”
Do you know how long they were separated before divorce proceedings began?
Post # 123
honeyhoney2717 : “My job would be to make sure my kids are HAPPY! If they needed me to stay single for their emotional well being, then that is what I would do.”
You’re immediately assuming that this guy’s kids would be or are UNhappy with their father dating. Your initial argument was that people should wait until a divorce is done to date. Your reasoning: for the kids’ happiness.
Okay, so if the kids don’t care, then it should be fine according to your reasoning. So, really, your initial argument that “people should wait until divorce is done to date” is hogwash. The argument really is: people should do whatever will make their children happy.”
You don’t appear to have thought any of this through deeply before posting your initial argument…
Post # 124
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
DeniseSecunda : I don’t think it matters. My best friend was strung along by a guy who promised her he’d divorce his wife…. for 5 years. Meanwhile, his wife ran up credit card debt on a joint account they had before they split, purchased a vehicle she couldn’t pay for that got repo’d and made his credit score tank and collections came looking for HIM when she wouldn’t pay her stuff. My friend was left to pick up the slack when he was shelling out money to his wife. After 5 years she had enough of it and finally left him… and guess what? 5 years later and he’s still legally married to her, just stringing some new girl along now.
Post # 125
beevincent18 : i don’t understand your position here. she isn’t suggesting he shouldn’t pay the child support. she is in a new relationship and trying to figure out whether she wants to build a life with someone who has a significant, long term financial responsibility. seems pretty mature to me.
Post # 126
tinneranne2 : to me it sounded like she is questioning the amount. I haven’t read if she has updated since my post but that is what it sounded like to me. They’ve only been dating for 3 months I just find it odd that she is so concerned about it at this point. Clearly the courts have deemed that a reasonable amount for him based on his income, how much he sees his children, etc. It’s a given dating someone with kids that their expenses are going to be higher because they have children. If she is even questioning it, I would say move on because that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to shelling out money for kids. That is where I was coming from.
Post # 127
OP, I haven’t read most of the responses, but you requested people that have been in this situation. I was the exwife in mine. I actually received $1400 per month for ONE child. My ex at first was restentful and thought it was money grubbing – but since has realized that I had only requested what the courts had calculated per child support laws.
The money is meant to support children of divorce so that THEY don’t have to lose their standard of living because of their parents divorce. My ex’s money allowed my son to grow up in his original family home, and also have the things he would have always had if we had stayed together. My son benefited from it, divorce is hard on kids and it was nice that I did not have to uproot him from his home. After my son had gone off to college and there was no more of that child support, the house was out of my means on my own income, so I moved to an apartment.
You should not really consider that $1400 in your and your guy’s budget. That money has nothing to do with you and is part of the child custody agreement, of which you are not involved. If you want to make up for that then YOU (or the BF) need to find a better paying job to contribute your own lifestyles and please do not resent children for getting what they are owed through the court system.
Hope this helps!
Post # 128
jannigirl : hey now, that was me for five years after my divorce! I chose that, because I was not ready to deal with any potential drama that a relationship might bring. I decided to just focus on the other aspects of my life at the time. It actually wasn’t bad. I learned to be content with myself, when the right guy did come along, I was emotionally ready for it. I do know that a lot of people aren’t wired that way, I had so many people wondering how the heck I could get by without dating anyone (and I think they were referring to the physical aspects that come with having a relationship).
I wouldn’t have done as well putting more things on my plate, so I just left dating off of it until it happened organically. It worked out well. I’m now remarried to the perfect guy for me.
Post # 129
I have been on both sides – a single parent getting child support (a pittance admittedly not $1400 a month) and as a ‘wife 2.0’ to a person with a child support responsibility of around $2200 a month. The amount mine paid/pays doesnt bother me and isnt even factored into our income as it is not negotiable – I feel that I would rather have a man who pays for his kids than a deadbeat. It does however irritate me when the ‘wife 1.0’ asks for more $ all the time for basic things that should be coming from the child support amount (ie clothes, school etc).
Its all the OTHER issues about being with someone with kids that you should focus on.
And with my experience on both sides of this fence – at 3 months in – if he is not 100% your soulmate and THE ONE – I would move on to someone without kids. But thats just me.