Post # 1
I found this board and I am so excited. I need some advice though.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for less than a year. I am 28 and he is 30, and we both feel as if we have met “the one”. I would like to get engaged by the end of the year because I feel if you “know”, then you should be able to commit. I would like to have a longer engagement though.
My boyfriend at first agreed understanding that I need to move on because I will want to try to have kids sometime in the next few years. But now he says although he knows he wants to marry me in 2013, he doesn’t see himself getting engaged this year. I don’t know what to think or really what to do. He is financially independent and I am also. However he said every other relationship around him changed when they got married and they are miserable.
Of course this makes me miserable. I don’t know if I should keep the internal timeframe for myself and not say anything… and then leave at the end of the year. Everything else is great and he is probably one of the most wonderful people I have ever had in my life. But marriage is important to me, and sometimes I think you need to bite the bullet. Honestly I feel if he doesn’t want to get engaged after a year and a half at our age, then I can’t really wait to see if he decides he doesn’t want to get married.
We also live together. Does anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
I think that you should keep an internal time frame to bring it up, but I don’t know if you should leave him if you aren’t engaged by the end of the year. I think maybe you should wait until closer to the end of the year and have another discussion about where the relationship is going. Up until then, don’t say anything about getting engaged. But after a while you might need to think about if you would be okay waiting to get married since you two still love eachother and honestly marriage doesn’t change much in a relationship.
Be sure to check out Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged
Hope this helps!
Post # 4
I felt like I might have had an internal guideline (given my age– 34) when I started dating my partner. Thing is that he was so much younger than me that I knew I couldn’t push him. I wasn’t willing to wait forever, but given that it was the best relationship I’d ever been in I was willing to give it some slush room.
He said he wasn’t going to get married for at least 5 years, but my timeline included having kids within 5 years… Non-compatible, right? But over time (2 and 1/2 years), our timelines got into synch and we got engaged. I wasn’t willing to abandon him just because he didn’t meet my 2 year timeline for engagement. We decided on a long engagement as well (15 months), so that we would both know that we were ready for the next step.
My point is that you should maintain flexibility while staying true to yourself… but don’t get so fixated on the goal that you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, you know? You can’t make a guy be anymore ready than he is, but you also have to acknowledge if he is the type of guy who is never going to be ready. Then find a balance that works for you!
Post # 5
First of all, @tabularasa, I dig your handle.
The part of your post that made me think was: “But now he says although he knows he wants to marry me in 2013, he doesn’t see himself getting engaged this year. I don’t know what to think or really what to do. He is financially independent and I am also. However he said every other relationship around him changed when they got married and they are miserable.”
Does he not want to get married now? Or does he not want to get married, period?
I would want to be [email protected]*# sure which one was the case, and also his reasons for it. I mean, I can understand not being ready to be married even if you’re with the right person (i.e. needing to be at a certain place in your individual life…I think this is particularly true of men). I can understand that some people just never want to be married, and that’s completely fine for those folks. But YOU have to know where he’s at before you can really decide if “where he’s at” is something you can live with.
I’m kind of a tough cookie about this, but I figure if a guy isn’t ready to be engaged to me, it’s shorthand for the fact that he isn’t ready to be married to me. They go hand-in-hand. There might be perfectly good reasons he’s not ready for it, so it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I can’t imagine a guy being ready to be married to a person but not ready to be engaged to her.
Lastly: don’t feel bad about wanting what you want out of life, whatever that may be! Good, good luck. The hive’s a good place to vent.
Post # 6
I would agree with what everyone said here but have a follow up question: why do you want a long engagement? His reason to not want to get engaged this year may be because he wants to save up for a ring/wedding or finish doing something else in his life. If your reasons for a long engagement include saving or planning, you can easily do that without a ring (that’s what I am doing 😉 ). I would implement Mr. Bee’s plan and talk to him in a few months more specifically about his reasons. 2013 is still pretty far away so I wouldn’t worry too much yet. In the meantime I would try to hang out more with happily married couples.
Post # 7
yeah – if he doesn’t want to get married until 2013 then i say there’s definately time to wait for an engagement.
but i would bring it up if nothing has happened by the end of the year.
i know my bf and i are just waiting until we have a bit more money saved before we get married, but i would do it tomorrow if i could, so it’s just a timing issue. that being said, i wouldn’t want a 2 year engagement myself because i feel it would drag on, and i want the period to be exciting.
best of luck though! keep us updated.