(Closed) New, Down and Need advice

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I was in the same boat as you & now we are going to Vegas & getting married.  I am still getting my wedding, but not a huge one.  I am fine with that.  If you love him & want to spend the rest of your life with him, why not consider it.  Then maybe later down the road, you can renew your vows & then have the wedding of your dreams then.  I am happy with my decision, because now we are getting married, not spending a fortune, having a very intimate ceremony to tell & show each other how much we love each other & want to be together for the rest of our lives.  In the end, isn’t that all that matters? 

Post # 4
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I guess I’m a little confused–there seem to be two problems here.  The first is that financially, it’s difficult to get married right now and have the wedding that you both want.  But you also say that he may not be ready to get married right now.  These are two very different problems.  If it’s a financial problem, I say to heck with it, head to Vegas, invite your families, get married, have a lovely dinner, and come home married.  Then in 5 years, when money matters are less of a concern, have a beautiful vow renewal.  If, however, the real problem is that “he just cant bring the walls down yet and hes scared because of divorce rates and hes not ready” then that’s a much more serious issue that requires time and patience.  I’ve always believed that on the issue of ready vs. not ready (for marriage) there is no compromise.  If one person is ready and the other is not, they both are going to wait.  So you have to decide how long you’re willing to wait.  Honestly, it sounds like you’re in a good relationship with a man who loves you and your children and if he has some reservations about marriage that he needs to work through, it’s perfectly okay for you to be there for him while he does.  You’ll know when you’ve reached your limit and you’re not willing to wait any longer, but as long as you keep the lines of communication open I think that the two of you will get through this and be just fine.  Good luck and welcome to the Bee!

Post # 5
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Wow, Mrsmdphd couldn’t have said it better. I’m sure also reading and following this website gets you antsy to get married which doesn’t help but you have a great thing going and when he is ready it will all be worth the wait, trust me. Kiss

Post # 6
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly what I would be worried about is him not being ready to get married. You guys live together, you have a kid, when you get married, not much is going to change…so what is going to be the catalyst for him to actually take the plunge? Especially if finances are tight and he is worried about his friends’ experiences. 

I would make sure you are both on the same page about what you want. Don’t let him use money as an excuse if the real issue is that he’s not ready.

Finally, even if you do agree on a timeline or a general idea of when things are going to happen, you might have to wait longer than you would like. So in the meantime maybe try to get your mind off of weddings and focus on the other aspects of your life. 

Post # 7
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

I also agree with @mrsmdphd… It sounds like the two of you have a great relationship. Give him the time he needs to get his thoughts together and come to the realization on his own. He just needs to get past his fears. I don’t think it’s a commitment issue so much as that. He’s already committed to you and your children. Once he realizes this, he’ll be ready.

Post # 9
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I think there’s never a “perfect time” to get married. My SO uses finances as an excuse as well. He also has said “he’s just not ready” because of what ex-wife did to him(20yr marriage and she cheated with boss!!). You are right LolaZ when you say “why should I have to pay for her mistakes”. If a man truly loves you and knows that marriage is a pretty high agenda for you,you would think he’d step up to the plate. Don’t feel bad, mine hasn’t either. It is very fustrating and hurtful as well. A timeline for yourself is the best thing you can do for you. I have a 6mth. one set for myself as I’ve been waiting for an already purchased ring for 2yrs. now! I think he’s perfectly happy how things are to be honest. He’s got his cake and he’s eating it too! Only time will tell……

Post # 11
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Lola,

That DEFINITELY seems like a step in the right direction if he’s willing to go to premarital counseling with you!  That’s great!

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