Post # 1
Hi everyone, Im new and have been reading the boards for a couple of weeks. Im really down and have gotten great encouragement from reading all your stories. Thanks for being here!
OK..Bf and I have been together for 2 years. I’ll be the first to admit things moved a little fast. We have a beautiful 14m old daughter together and I also have kids from my previous realtionship. We’ve lived together for 1 1/2 years are best friends and raise the kids together. We’ve become a pretty close family. Boyfriend or Best Friend has his own business which is just now picking back up from the economy and works REALLY long hours. Since so much revolves around income, I’m trying to be patient since he just got a new contract and should be making more $ starting next month. Heres the tricky part….he’s got a ring….just not mine…before we where together he had proposed to his ex…she accepted and then broke up with him out of nowhere 4 months later! He’s got the ring and he asked me to do some research as far as taking it back for credit. Which I did and he can. SO…about a month and a half ago..we had a huge argument…it lead to a GREAT and productive talk and the topic of marriage came up…I told him how much it was weighing on me that we arent married (we are both Christian) and he said he’d like nothing more than to marry me…If I really wanted we could go down to the courthouse and get married…but its not really what he wants…he wants to give me the wedding Ive always wanted and since hes only doing this once, the wedding hes always wanted too. Then in the next breath said that he just cant bring the walls down yet and hes scared because of divorce rates (his two best friends had nasty bitter divorces) and hes not ready. OK…we have a great realationship…I understand that he had his heart broken, I really do…and ladies forgive me if this sounds bad…but am I paying for what she did and how long should I continue…I’m lost! He says he wants us to grow old together and he talks about stuff way in the future. Then we did our taxes last week and he couldnt claim my kids (that hes fully supported all year) because we arent married…so he says the next day, well I guess we;ll just have to go to vegas and get married…i just laughed. The waiting is at the forefront of my brain and its driving me nuts…please Bees…I need advice.
Post # 3
I was in the same boat as you & now we are going to Vegas & getting married. I am still getting my wedding, but not a huge one. I am fine with that. If you love him & want to spend the rest of your life with him, why not consider it. Then maybe later down the road, you can renew your vows & then have the wedding of your dreams then. I am happy with my decision, because now we are getting married, not spending a fortune, having a very intimate ceremony to tell & show each other how much we love each other & want to be together for the rest of our lives. In the end, isn’t that all that matters?
Post # 4
I guess I’m a little confused–there seem to be two problems here. The first is that financially, it’s difficult to get married right now and have the wedding that you both want. But you also say that he may not be ready to get married right now. These are two very different problems. If it’s a financial problem, I say to heck with it, head to Vegas, invite your families, get married, have a lovely dinner, and come home married. Then in 5 years, when money matters are less of a concern, have a beautiful vow renewal. If, however, the real problem is that “he just cant bring the walls down yet and hes scared because of divorce rates and hes not ready” then that’s a much more serious issue that requires time and patience. I’ve always believed that on the issue of ready vs. not ready (for marriage) there is no compromise. If one person is ready and the other is not, they both are going to wait. So you have to decide how long you’re willing to wait. Honestly, it sounds like you’re in a good relationship with a man who loves you and your children and if he has some reservations about marriage that he needs to work through, it’s perfectly okay for you to be there for him while he does. You’ll know when you’ve reached your limit and you’re not willing to wait any longer, but as long as you keep the lines of communication open I think that the two of you will get through this and be just fine. Good luck and welcome to the Bee!
Post # 5
Wow, Mrsmdphd couldn’t have said it better. I’m sure also reading and following this website gets you antsy to get married which doesn’t help but you have a great thing going and when he is ready it will all be worth the wait, trust me.
Post # 6
Honestly what I would be worried about is him not being ready to get married. You guys live together, you have a kid, when you get married, not much is going to change…so what is going to be the catalyst for him to actually take the plunge? Especially if finances are tight and he is worried about his friends’ experiences.
I would make sure you are both on the same page about what you want. Don’t let him use money as an excuse if the real issue is that he’s not ready.
Finally, even if you do agree on a timeline or a general idea of when things are going to happen, you might have to wait longer than you would like. So in the meantime maybe try to get your mind off of weddings and focus on the other aspects of your life.
Post # 7
I also agree with @mrsmdphd… It sounds like the two of you have a great relationship. Give him the time he needs to get his thoughts together and come to the realization on his own. He just needs to get past his fears. I don’t think it’s a commitment issue so much as that. He’s already committed to you and your children. Once he realizes this, he’ll be ready.
Post # 8
Thank you SO much ladies. I appreciate you all so much. You know…I guess I know its a financial thing mostly. My dream wedding is actually really small lol…I think his ideas are bigger. I havent had the nerve to ask. I actually havent brought it up at all since our “talk” over a month ago. The Vegas comment was him joking..he wants our family and friends there. Y’know…he introduces me as his wife, he has me saved in his phone with his last name, and he considers us living married not dating. I just worry he’ll get too comfortable with the situation. He’s very big on asking my dad for his blessing…my dad even asked yesterday if bf had mentioned going to see him, ugh. But, I will be patient and let him do his thing. Thanks so much for being here girls!
Post # 9
I think there’s never a “perfect time” to get married. My SO uses finances as an excuse as well. He also has said “he’s just not ready” because of what ex-wife did to him(20yr marriage and she cheated with boss!!). You are right LolaZ when you say “why should I have to pay for her mistakes”. If a man truly loves you and knows that marriage is a pretty high agenda for you,you would think he’d step up to the plate. Don’t feel bad, mine hasn’t either. It is very fustrating and hurtful as well. A timeline for yourself is the best thing you can do for you. I have a 6mth. one set for myself as I’ve been waiting for an already purchased ring for 2yrs. now! I think he’s perfectly happy how things are to be honest. He’s got his cake and he’s eating it too! Only time will tell……
Post # 10
Me: Hey the church called today..they wanted to invite us to attend their pre marital couseling class.
Him: What?!!! oh…Pre marital counseling…..YEAH.6 we can do that.
If I wouldnt have been lying down, I think I wouldve fallen down! lol.
and then yesterday he was asking about weddings and how much a wedding should cost. He actually has no clue….very very strange behavior for him. But a step in the right direction.
Post # 11
That DEFINITELY seems like a step in the right direction if he’s willing to go to premarital counseling with you! That’s great!