(Closed) New here.. Advice on proposal pressure / timing convo? (long sorry!)

• omgourd
• 5 years ago

Hi everyone,

I am new here and hoping to get a bit of advice. Appologies in advance if this has been discussed elsewhere, but I could use some anonymous and seasoned advice..and this seemed like the perfect place!

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have together for 4.5 years, have a wonderful relationship and have been living together for almost 3 years. Recently my Future Sister-In-Law and Future Brother-In-Law and I were at happy hour and Future Sister-In-Law let it slip that “she wanted to talk to me about my wedding ring” (uh, what?!) ….My BF’s grandma recently passed away and willed him her engagement ring. The only reason Future Sister-In-Law found out was because she asked Future Mother-In-Law if anything was willed to any of the grandchildren. I could never ask about that sort of thing but their relationship is unique and I understand that. I was so sad to find out that way, felt pressured to discuss timeframe and was caught off guard. Upon meeting up with my Boyfriend or Best Friend with FSIL/FBIL later that night I told him ‘you know you are the person I want to spend my life with” …and thats when I mentioned what I just found out. 

Well, long story short.. he said his mom/FMIL had ALREADY approached him with it if he wanted it and he told me “It is there if I want it” to which I got really sappy sad and emotional that such an honor was quashed by a few rounds at happy hour. I fell asleep sad and was mortified the next day and appologized for my behavior (I am 24 and a responsibile adult and rarely go out… this was a celebration for my FSIL). I mentioned he may want to talk to Future Mother-In-Law about what happened..

Fast foward a couple weeks and I find out he has talked to his mom and she felt bad for him and I both being put in that position… A couple weeks later I return from a  weekend trip and find a business card for a local jewler. I am worried that he is being pressured BIG time to propose, worried that the heirloom offer has been rescinded. I want him to know that I’d be honored to wear any ring he gives me, especially his grandmothers!… 

Have any of you ladies experienced this kind of pressure? How did you talk to your guy about what your timeframe is? (Note: I don’t want to be married ASAP, I know he is the one and ideealy want to get married in 2-3 years so we can save up). We haven’t talked in depth about specifics yet… any advice on starting the talk would be much appreciated!

• omgourd
• 5 years ago

@MmeVT:  I was thrilled and tried clarifying that I was just sad to find out the way I did. The Future Sister-In-Law was very aggressive with me also rolling her eyes and trying to get involved when she really shouldn’t (e.g. asking if Future Brother-In-Law needs to get involved to make things happen). This was amplified after a couple drinks and I told him I was touched that it was offered to him. 

I guess I am more just stunned that Future Sister-In-Law would try tell me this without knowing the ring had already been shown to him. I want to encourage him to do what he feels is best for us!

• omgourd
• 5 years ago

I guess the real dilema is how do I tell him I am THRILLED/HONORED/EXCITED for the opportunity to wear a ring with such a great story without signaling “propose immediately”..It feels like we both have had a bit of family pressure and I want to discuss his timeline to make sure we are on the same page…We haven’t talked directly about it, but it’s always been a “I want to wait” and “we are taking it slow” agreement… Thanks for your help, I probably am just overthinking this but needed to get it out somewhere!