(Closed) New Here – FI Ended Engagement Last Week, Advice? :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

He seems a bit self-centered to me. To take someone elses “bad mood” or struggles and turn it into HIM being pulled down? I mean…come on. Of course I do not know him and I am only saying this from what I read, but I am sure this is for the better. You need someone that won’t feel better if you’re down until HE tries to make you feel better with understanding and caring for you.

It is scary to give someone so much and believe in love and be left alone and devastated but time will take the edge off and this is a great opportunity to analyze yourself and see what you really want out of life and out of a future mate. Better to happen now then to happen when married.

I am sorry to hear you are going through this *hughughug*

Post # 4
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

I don’t have a similar story but I wanted to say that it sounds like you deserve someone who is willing to give you more of their time, and who is on the same page as you. 

I guess I knew enough that there would be people who would be a better fit, but even so, I was willing to give this a go and make it work because I loved him.

Sounds like you also had reservations and maybe you tried to stick it out because it was easier and more comfortable than being single again.  Perhaps this is a blessing in disguise, and the man you’re going to spend the rest of your life with is still out there.

*hugs*

Post # 5
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t mean to sound cold but: Be HAPPY YOU JUST DODGED A BULLET! Thank G_d that you are dealing with a broken engagement and not a divorce with 2 kids, a mortgage and merged finances. It will definitely be difficult to trust again, enjoy some time alone and when you want get back out there. Don’t do the back and forth, on and off thing, tell him good bye and good riddance. 

 

I’m devestated, but oddly not heartbroken over losing him. I guess I knew enough that there would be people who would be a better fit <<< This says it all.


Post # 6
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

*hugs*

Post # 7
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Oh my gosh, honey! How heartbreaking! Sending you hugs! I know there’s nothing we can say to take away the pain, but we’re here for you!!! Do you have any friends or family you can lean on during this rough time?

My best advice about being single again is to really focus on yourself. Don’t be afraid to be selfish. Get a haircut that you love, invest yourself in a new hobby or restart an old one. Take a class or join a group or try to find a community. Remembering how awesome you are and how interesting your life is will help you find yourself again and will help you be single.

Post # 8
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Gemstone:  100% this.

 

OP… it sounds like he failed to shift perspective in the relationship from “me” to “us.” This has everything to do with him. 🙁

Post # 9
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This is very sad, and I am so sorry it happened.  It sounds like, mentally, you are on the road to recovery by acknowledging the things about him that you now know/thought would make him a less than ideal partner, instead on focusing on things you shared/loved about him, etc.

As PP’s have stated, it is HIS fault and HIS loss, no question.  He will be ‘sorry’ to learn/find a woman who leaves her problems at the door…cause in any relationship – friendship/partnership – support is a HUGE part!  What some do/need to learn is to check their selfishness at the door, put on their big boy/girl panties, and face problems/issues TOGETHER! 

With that said, take time for you!  Grieve, heal, cry, drink wine, call friends, go out, workout, read books, watch TV…BE SELFISH (:))  This will take time, but you will heal, and I think come out better on the other side with someone who will support you every.single.day – in good times, and in bad!! (HUGS!)

Post # 10
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Wow, first off, huge kudos for having the guts to post that, lots of us can be so fearful to admit that our relationshps are less than perfect or that we have or have had doubts.

Socondly, you come across as a very intelligent, level-headed and realistic girl. I have to agree that I too think you have dodged a bullet.

My story: I had a series of longish relationships throughout my teens & twenties. I even lived with a couple of my bfs. I was never engaged nor did I ever consider marrying or having children with any of these men. I did love some of them (more like “lust”, lol) but deep down I knew that they weren’t the “one” and I knew that the relationships were not going to last. Most of thime their feelings were stronger but I can’t say for sure that any of them thought I was the “one”.

My last partner (before FI) pased away tragically & suddenlly a couple of months after I left him and moved back home (almost 500 miles away). We had still been communicating and were considering having him also move back to be with me.  We argued and got into a fight about a month before he passed and never spoke again and I was left with lost of guilt and grief.

I met my Fiance a few months later but wasn’t ready for a committed relationship because I was still grieving. But he waited for me and about 4 months after we met, I realized I was totally in love with him. We have had rough patches and gone through siome traumatic things (deaths, major illness)but have stuck together. 

At one really difficult point, I almost tried to talk myself into leaving (I’m a “runner” so when things get rough, I want to bolt) but he has never once considered giving up on me or on us. He is so good to me & really takes care of me & of our dogs too 😉 In January 2011 after 6.5 yrs together, he proposed.

I know in my heart he is the one, it’s the first engagement for both of us & we will be married 6 weeks. We hope to have children (neither of us have any yet) and are looking forward to a long life together.

Up until I met him at age 30, I had never felt true love like this. I think there is someone out there for you and that you will just know it when it happens. You will have rough patches because we all do but they won’t mean the relationship ends.

I think you’ll be a great catch for someone and even though it’s scary being single, take the time to really be good to yourself, work on yourself. work out, learn something new, do things that make you feel great so that when Mr. Right comes around, you’ll be ready.

I’m sorry this had to happen and that you feel devastated but have to say it’s so refreshing to hear a girl admit that she’s “not heart-broken.” You will meet a guy that cares enough to accept your bad days and doesn’t try to blame you for his feelings and moods, talk abouty co-freaking-dependant, wow. You deserve better than a selfish guy like that!

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
7401 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You do not need to marry someone who thinks you need to “check your problems at the door”.  While this really sucks at this moment… I think in a couple years you will be super happy you did not marry him.

 

Post # 13
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m so sorry, a broken engagement is always hard. But you sound like you will be SO much better off without him.. You shouldn’t have to check your problems at the door with your husband. That is nuts. Bigger and better things are in your future! hang in there. 

Post # 14
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry! I don’t understand how he could tell you to check your problems at the door and not bring them into the relationship. I’d be hugely disappointed if my Darling Husband said that to me. Part of marriage is being able to communicate and talk about issues you’re having. They don’t necessarily have to be issues both of you are having…but if you have a bad day, you shouldn’t feel like you can’t vent to him about it. 

I think it’s interesting that your mom had an outlook similar to ours. It does sound like he’s just extremely selfish, and you don’t want to marry someone like that. I’m wishing you the best and know that there’s someone out there who is a much better fit for you. He’ll love you and anything you bring home problem-wise. He will want to help you solve those problems…not tell you to check them at the door.

Post # 15
Member
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Echoing all those who say that at some point you will look back at this and thank your lucky stars that things went this way. I just cannot imagine being married to someone who was not supportive (whether I was rejoincing or venting!), totally loving and absolutely committed to the relationship and me.

And just a tip, do not ever settle again for someone who is not a “good fit”. You deserve, and should expect, so much more in a life partner! It is a billion times better to be alone then with someone who does not actually enhance your life. Those doubts are your own gut, and heart, telling you “get away from this guy!”. Listen to them in the future, because if you have such doubts, I can tell you right now it just isn’t right.

I understand you loved him, but I can promise you right now that love with someone who IS a good fit, and who returns a fully expressed love towards you, is going to blow whatever you felt for this guy out of the water.

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